find someone who will love me

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that f**king map!”

1. Saying “I love you” immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. “Fine” is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it’s about you.
9. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I’m scared of losing my independence.
14. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (See directly above.)
17. If I’m not having sex with you, I’m… a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling “connected” to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you’re fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I’m not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we’re just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I’m very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I’m unimpressed with a man who doesn’t take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I’m in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you to recognize this.
37. If I’m not feeling loved, I will start looking….
38. Discussion of ex-gf’s and ex-bf’s should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you’re thinking, even if you don’t know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it’s only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you’re sweaty.
42. It’s best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…
48. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

SELECT STORE-
ENTRY RESTRICTED -GIRLS-WOMEN
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.
” Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

“Homer is so amazing, he can drink beer and pitch woo at the same time”

Where do I find a gal like Marge Simpson :)

“No one is too young for love, because love doesn’t come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.”

At least I haven’t given up looking yet.