faith takes work — 1 day ago
I wholeheartedly desire to experience true love. Deep down, I am the most hopeful romantic out there, but my hardened, pessimistic, cynical exterior suppresses any hope that it will actually happen to me. I see love happening to almost everyone I know but me, and it’s increasingly difficult to keep myself from envying what they have. However, I am a slave to constantly comparing myself to others and finding I fall short, so believing that anyone would ever love me in spite of my shortcomings seems impossible. In order to accept someone else’s love and truly believe that they love me, I need to accept myself.
I don’t have an incredible amount of patience for others or for compromising situations, and I pray about being able to love and not criticize others all the time, but it’s difficult because if I practice “love your neighbor as yourself”, I’d be the harshest critic around. I beat myself up constantly, it’s true. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, scholastically, socially…you name it, I put myself down in that area. And recently I read a comment along the lines of “people enjoy being miserable because it takes work to believe in yourself. Change is too difficult, and it takes guts and ambition to change anything about oneself, so it’s easier just to be fatalistic about everything”.
I’m tired of making excuses and procrastinating on changing my outlook on myself and others. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to change on my own, and that I’ll carry this mindset with me all my life and end up alone, because I’ve pushed everyone away. I know you’re not supposed to do anything apart from the Lord, but I don’t know how to balance seeking His help and taking initiative on your own accord. I have too much pride to talk to a counselor; plenty of people have suggested it. I had a rough childhood which includes every form of abuse you can think of, and talking to a counselor might be the only means of relief from this self-inflicted bondage.
I just really want to be free, and appreciate myself and the world for what we really are.










