love and be loved

I wholeheartedly desire to experience true love. Deep down, I am the most hopeful romantic out there, but my hardened, pessimistic, cynical exterior suppresses any hope that it will actually happen to me. I see love happening to almost everyone I know but me, and it’s increasingly difficult to keep myself from envying what they have. However, I am a slave to constantly comparing myself to others and finding I fall short, so believing that anyone would ever love me in spite of my shortcomings seems impossible. In order to accept someone else’s love and truly believe that they love me, I need to accept myself.

I don’t have an incredible amount of patience for others or for compromising situations, and I pray about being able to love and not criticize others all the time, but it’s difficult because if I practice “love your neighbor as yourself”, I’d be the harshest critic around. I beat myself up constantly, it’s true. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, scholastically, socially…you name it, I put myself down in that area. And recently I read a comment along the lines of “people enjoy being miserable because it takes work to believe in yourself. Change is too difficult, and it takes guts and ambition to change anything about oneself, so it’s easier just to be fatalistic about everything”.

I’m tired of making excuses and procrastinating on changing my outlook on myself and others. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to change on my own, and that I’ll carry this mindset with me all my life and end up alone, because I’ve pushed everyone away. I know you’re not supposed to do anything apart from the Lord, but I don’t know how to balance seeking His help and taking initiative on your own accord. I have too much pride to talk to a counselor; plenty of people have suggested it. I had a rough childhood which includes every form of abuse you can think of, and talking to a counselor might be the only means of relief from this self-inflicted bondage.

I just really want to be free, and appreciate myself and the world for what we really are.

..but not romantically..hahaha..but still i can say I have loved and been loved by families and friends and it is reason enough to be really really grateful.

..I still won’t give up on love…to you E.C., ah God bless you still.

Well I’ve finally gotten the man of my dreams and I’m the happiest lady around. It’s so satisfying to have someone to give your love to and find fun and creative ways to share love everyday.

DEFINITELY WORTH IT!!!

I’m so melodramatic that I thought at 17 I would be a spinster for the rest of my life. Then about a year ago I started dating the most wonderful person. I finally found out what love is really supposed to be like. He loves me when I’m manic, calm, crying, laughing, whatever. And I love him even when he gets a bad haircut or says something socially awkward. I’m so glad that I waited for love to find me instead of going out to find something to replace it with.

Hello everyone. I don’t have much time now, I’m on the library’s computer for only a little while but felt like popping in to let you know how I am.
I got back to Finland safely and I’ve been staying with my mum and her boyfriend. Mostly I have liked to keep to myself but I have done things with my family members and it makes me happy to be with them again. Mum and I have taken short trips together, to neighbouring towns and to the family island. I’ve also had the company of some animals and it has delighted me.
It has been raining here every single day but I’m still enjoying the Finnish summer. Everything’s so beautiful, all the flowers and the colours and the smells. It’s also really peaceful.
I’ve been reading a lot and watching loads of movies. I’ve taken photos and I like some of them. I’ve gone swimming, I’ve ridden the bicycle in the light summer breeze, I’ve eaten delicious peas and lots of ice cream. (I’m afraid I might gain weight soon since I’ve been eating so many sweets and other treats here, I’m constantly munching something.)
Sometimes it feels good to be doing nothing and just be, but sometimes I’m really frustrated. I don’t feel like socializing too much and I’m becoming messy and my skin is turning bad. But I’m trying to stay positive, most of the time I’m ok.
But I really miss Antonie. We’ve been in contact and even though I have no idea how things will turn out and what the future will hold for us, I still want to be with him more than anything. We shouldn’t give up on our love.
I hope you’re all fine, take care. All the best.
Yours, Emilia

Love is four letter word, that holds many emotions, this four letter word has hundreds if not thousands of meanings. No one truly knows the meaning of love its different for everyone. It just depends on wot love personally means to you. For me love doesn’t start and end with a man, it begins by loving myself first.

I wish I knew where to look for you.

I am learning how to better show love to others and to accept love from others, to open myself up emotionally to others – not only in love relationships, but also in friendships. I don’t have to ‘survive’ anymore… I don’t live in an abusive environment anymore. It’s finally sinking in: Just because my past was painful doesn’t mean my future HAS to be also. God has more for me and is melting away the hardness built up over years of abuse… so that I can be and become who He always intended for me to become. God is my stability and is helping me to break down those thick and sturdy walls that I had to build up for years, in order to not be completely torn apart inside. Now I have to ask God to melt the hard places in my heart and to bring warmth to me so that I can share it with others and accept it from others. It’s beginning to happen more… it’s just a process.

no false hopes or over eager expectations…i want something to withstand time…

He is sending me back home.
I didn’t think things were so bad, but he feels that it’s best that I leave now.

So I have a flight tomorrow evening, then I’ll be back with my family and friends who I know love me for real.
My heart is broken but I will not fall down yet. I will do it once I get home, once I’m safe. Now I just have to get through tonight and tomorrow.

I will make a cocoon for myself, spend the rest of the summer doing nothing at my family’s island. In the quietness. And dye my hair blue just ‘cos I freaking feel like it.
You probably won’t be seeing much of me after this. Goodbye.