so three whole years ago i moved out of a flat i had been sharing with these girls. by the end of feb it was making me sick to live in that flat because i felt so bad should walking into all the tension. Three of the girls hadn’t spoken to me for six weeks and it got so bad that i went and cat sat for someone in london just to get a break. I still don’t know what went wrong really except they didn’t seem to like that I had made other friends and had other interests. They seemed to require that i was only friends with them and when i started going out with a couple of other friends they just snubbed me. It was a pretty horrible time but I overcame it and seemed to move on.
However, through the power of the internet they have suddenly come back into my life – not majorly but I can now see what they do work wise and see who they are still friends with and stuff like that. So out of the blue i find myself practically stalking them online. I’m not acting on it at all in fact the only thing i’m doing is driving myself insane with it!
Mixed in with all my anger about this i suddenly find myself realy jealous of them. It’s madness. I am jealous that they have stayed so close (hardly surprising given what they were like when i knew them) and that they still sometimes see people that were mutual friends. i have stayed in touch with less friends and so i suppose i feel inadequate. My rational side knows that I have found true friends by having this bad experience and that given the way they treated me I wouldn’t want to be friends with them again. The same rationality tells me there are practical reasons they keep in touch with people i know too – i’ve moved 300 miles away for university, for a start. I suppose partly though my jealousy is really to do with my own insecurities. Having seen pics i can’t help noticing how glamourous they look whilst i am a little portly these days (well not as slim as i was anyway) The girl inside of me wants to be prettier and thinner than them!
I am also jealous of something quite ridiculous. They are in a dance troupe. I started out in this dance troupe too but i couldn’t give the time/ wasn’t really into how seriously they and other members took it. Now I’m jealous because they’ve made a real success of it – not professional or anything. Apart from anything i feel like I was the one who got them involved: i took them to the first meeting for support. Here I am not looking all fit and healthy in a shiny costume and although it is a bit cheesy i now want that. I think it’s a pretty sad thing to be jealous about. It was alright when we could all laugh at the cheesy music and costumes but now they seem really into it and it’s even making them better looking than me!!
I really want to get over this. I thought i had moved on, my life certainly has significantly. i would love it if i could just banish them and their activities from my mind forever.
