I was chosen to be the best man at my best friend’s wedding. I underestimated every part of that sentence. I didn’t think being best man would entail much more than standing next to the groom for thirty minutes while counting the seconds until my hot tuxedo jacket could come off. No, I was there for a reason. I was chosen over anyone else to perform duties that I didn’t even realize I had. And I did these things gladly, because as I said… he’s my best friend. I’m very happy to have had my knowledge of what being a best man is completely contradicted. I arrived unprepared, but I left with the pride of knowing the things I did meant a lot to both Heather and Josh.
Friday – 7 am. I pack Helen’s bags into my car and get on the road for Inverness, FL. For the first time I’m 100% sure that she’s actually going to the wedding with me. My trip is awesome already. After about three hours of driving and a few U-turns we find and check into the hotel. I was pretty pleased with the room as well as the fact that I was given a AAA discount for no reason at all. Thanks, hotel lady. We unpacked and I gave Josh a call. I strolled over to the other side of the hotel and behind door #26 I find my soon-to-be-married best friend for the first time in over a year. We did the half handshake, half hug thing… you know, so you can hug your friend without looking gay to any possible onlookers. I also saw Josh’s parents for the first time in at least a couple years. Steve and Joy… I love them, they’re awesome. I would totally let them adopt me.
Shortly after the little reunion Brad, Heather’s father, met up with up Steve, Josh and I. We were off on our tuxedo gathering expedition. It was on this little road trip to Ocala that we picked up the Sean and Josh Show pretty much right where it left off. I did most of the talking, but it’s only fair because the other 3 got to do most of the laughing. I think I won the fathers over with my exaggeratedly comedic stories and accounts of past events. At the mall we discovered both the world’s smallest and busiest Men’s Warehouse. After what seemed like an hour of waiting, we finally got to try on our tuxes and be on our way… NOT! Josh’s vest was most definitely made to fit a child and provided me with many laughs. Also, Steve’s jacket had to be tailored on account of that his arms are not 10 feet long. So, we headed back toward the hotel with only 2 sexy tuxes. Well, I mean mine was sexy, not theirs. That would be weird for me to say. Like, they were certainly handsome. Well, we all were. But mine was sexy. Ask anyone.
Just before getting back to the hotel we stopped to drop Josh and Brad off at the church for…. something. It was there that I saw Heather for the first time on this trip and greeted her with a big hug, no charge. Steve and I were on the same wavelength though… FEEDING TIME! After being back at the hotel for a couple minutes, Helen and I went to eat lunch with Josh’s parents and a few of the girls on Josh’s side of the family. Our server motioned that I should try to Vienna Schnitzel, Steve seconded it, and the motion was carried. As it turns out, schnitzel = delicious. Helen had a greek salad. There were olives on this salad. This salad was dead to me. Toward the end of lunch Josh came to deliver a piece of unexpected news for me. I needed a best man speech for tonight’s rehearsal dinner. Nice. Here goes nothing.
Back to the hotel room where I wrote and rewrote. I scribbled, I reminisced, I scratched out and wrote over. I used inside jokes and edited to consider the company. Still, 5 minutes before the rehearsal would begin I was only half done. This has to be finished and it has to be good. I can’t disappoint my audience, or more importantly Heather and Josh. I grabbed my trusty clipboard, a pen, an extra sheet of paper and I was out the door. DAMN IT! I was that kid who walks into class late and makes a scene after everyone has already been seated. No worries though, I’m a genius! I took a seat front and center. Sweet redemption. After meeting the pastor, we went through the ceremony both verbally and physically. I had to pay attention and listen to everything he said. It was excruciating. I had a half-written speech sitting face down next to me and a steady stream of good wishes, one-liners, and expletive deleteds running through my head with no outlet. I did it though. I listened to everything and I knew exactly what was expected of me the next day. It was at the rehearsal that I really started to feel like I was more to this wedding than just a standing spectator.
Next up was rehearsal dinner. I quickly took my spot to Josh’s left and got to writing. Man I’m good! Before the salads arrived I had a speech. A speech. Barely after I dotted my last i, someone asked Ashley, the maid of honor and Heather’s sister, to stand and give her speech. Oh no… she had her speech typed up… on a nice piece of paper. When she started speaking, though, I knew I was outmatched. It was personal, it was emotional… and it RHYMED! Sigh. She finished and now it was my turn. I knew I was buried. I knew I was absolutely beaten. ...PFFFFT! Did you really believe that? My speech was phenomenal. Captivating and riveting. I made everyone smile and laugh a few times over in my short speech. It was an account of past times with a big thank you for allowing me to be here slapped on the end. Maybe i’ll post it later.
Oooooh, best man duty alert! The rings. After dinner we headed to Heather’s house to pick up the wedding rings. Oh yes. The power. Everything was in my hands now. I felt like I was a lord of some sort. Like… a lord of some rings or something. I should copyright that, maybe make a movie or three. How did i come up with it? I’m a genius, remember? Ok, ok. I’ll snap back to reality now. WOAH! There goes gravity. I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. I’ll stop now… maybe.
Ok, time for my favorite best man duty: getting the groom crunked up! After adding a few u-turns to the trip total we found Coach’s. It’s a really cool sports bar in a small town. If it existed in Naples I would go. Regularly. Helen is really awesome to have around because sometimes she just blows my mind. Focus. She came up with the exceptional idea of doing some Flaming Dr. Peppers. Having never had one, Josh was a little unsure, but he ended up loving them. We just basically got to hang out again like old times with Helen as our trusty DD. Sweet deal if you ask me. We had a few more shots and a few more beers. When closing time came around we grabbed a 12-pack and a deck of cards. We were in Naples all over again. We headed back to the telly (that’s hotel in blackinese) and played such great american classics as Fuck the Dealer and Bullshit Pyramid. After what seemed like a good long while of card games and beers accompanied by stories of old times and general joking behavior, it was time to walk Josh back to his room for some sleep. When we got to his building we stood outside having the type of conversation only drunken best friends can have for a bit. I learned the parts of Josh’s courtship of Heather I’d never heard before. Josh learned… well, nothing. But he did laugh a bit. I know my role. Well, back to my room and into bed.
Morning comes and before my eyes are even open my ears are met with a glorious inquiry. “Why are you so far away from me?” This will be a good day. When I finally find the will to get out of bed I get dressed, get in my car, turn it on, and DRIVE over to Josh’s room where I park. I turn the car off, knock on the door, say good morning. We get back in, turn the car on…. turn the car on… AHEM! TURN THE CAR ON! Weak. Car doesn’t start. Plan B. We walked over to the hotel restaurant where much of Josh’s family was eating breakfast. I met those that I hadn’t yet met, we got the van keys and I left my car keys with the Martin men in hopes of a miracle. We got to the mall early so we could get haircuts. Shortly after I sat in the chair I received a text message that looked a bit like a ghost story, but translated into great news. “I SEE YOUR CAR MOVING AROUND THE PARKING LOT, I THINK THAT’S A GOOD SIGN.” Good day indeed. After getting cut up we grabbed the tuxes and bolted. I really wanted to make a Usain Bolt joke there, but meh, I’m lazy.
Back at the hotel I can’t help but jump back into bed for a bit. Once I realized what my time frame was I hopped out of bed and threw on my tux. I stuck the rings in my pocket and dashed to the store for a couple power bars. The pastor told me to make sure Josh ate before the wedding. Oops. So we get in the car to pick up Josh. 6 minutes til we’re supposed to be there. UN-BELIEVABLE! My car decides once again not to start. I had just driven it to the gas station! I drive a 2005 Mazda, not a frickin ‘86 taurus. WTF? I call Josh, Josh calls his mom, car starts, I call Josh back, Josh calls his mom back. We head to the church. We arrive 2 minutes late.
Once at the church we just basically stood around in the reception area for about an hour. All I can really remember accomplishing in this time was getting or boutineers attached to our lapels. Helen popped her head in there before taking her seat to give me my keys. I saw her in her dress for the first time. She looked amazing. Bright yellow dress with matching shoes. And obviously, for those that know her, matching yellow make-up. I had on a nice Calvin Klein tuxedo, fresh haircut, I was making a good impression on everyone, and I had the most beautiful date at the wedding. Man, if Josh was having half the day I was, his wedding day will remain one of the best memories of his life.
After that hour or so, Josh and I were ushered into our little ‘on-deck’ room by the pastor and it’s on. We watched through the window on the door as the parents walked down the aisle to light the individual candles that would serve to light the unity candle later in the ceremony. The door opens and we’re on. I felt like a sports team coming out of their tunnel at game time. All eyes on us as we appeared. Josh took his place at the foot of the stage. Pastor and I took ours. The music started, the door opened, and Heather appeared looking beautiful on her wedding day. Brad and Heather reached the end of the aisle and paused for the pastor to say a few words before he would give her away. As he spoke two funny things occurred. One was a combination of strange sentence structure and an awkwardly timed pause. “As a husband it is your responsibility to throw around your wife….......... the cloak of protection…” It was one of those moments that makes your eyes open up another 25% for a second. The other funny thing, at least to me, was while I was looking around the room making eye contact and beaming smiles. I met eyes with Heather a couple times and couldn’t help but gleam the hugest smile at her. Her bouquet solidified a commonly used metaphor in my mind as gospel. She was literally shaking like a leaf. I’d never witnessed this with my own eyes. I heard tales, but this was my first experience. It was actually adorable.
The rest of the ceremony was nice. Everyone stood in the right spots and did the right things at the right time. Josh struggled slightly with his candle. I have to say I think I was the star of the show, though. My ring handing was flawless. I didn’t even have to dig in my pocket or anything. I had them ready to go. Man, I’m good. Once the ceremony was over I walked Ashley back down the aisle and we all waited for many many pictures to be taken of us. Pose, flash, pose, smile, flash. Repeat.
Over in the reception hall I found Helen. She greeted me with a kiss and I took a seat with her. Heather and Josh began making their way around the room to greet all of their guests. It was at this time that I realized the effects of putting best friends together for the first time in over a year while something else was going on. I inadvertently distracted Josh which made him lag behind Heather. This took place about 3 times before I noticed her frustration. I took my seat and turned my focus back toward my stunning date. After chopping up the cake and doling it out, it was time for Heather to toss her bouquet. Ashley caught her sisters bouquet to the delight of the family. Now it’s time for Josh to throw the garter and I issued this guarantee. “Josh, I’m catching this. 100%. I don’t know why, but I am definitely catching this.” What happened you ask? What do you think happened? In the words of my good friend Tony Montana, All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I aint breaking them for no one. Of course I caught it, don’t be silly. I strutted back over to Helen victoriously swinging around my new blue garter belt.
After the main reception we went back to the hotel for a bit. The pool reception was a bit later and I needed a quick bit of rest… or at least some time in bed. I rewrote my speech from the reception so I could enclose it in the wedding card I got for them. I had Helen sign it too, as well as enclose her method for hiccup relief that left Josh dumbfounded with its effectiveness just the night before. Josh called since he’d expected us a bit earlier. With her makeup matching my shirt and hat, Helen followed me out the door and to the reception. While we were walking from the car to the pool deck I saw that everyone was in pool-going attire. OHHHH! It’s a pool party! I get it now. After a short debate with Josh over whether or not he told me it was a pool party I hit the food table. While waiting for the next round of burgers to come off the grill I presented Heather and Josh with their wedding card. It was accompanied with a promise that I did not buy it on the way over. So, I grabbed a burger, some cole slaw, a beer, and some strawberries with this delicious…. stuff on them.
After eating it happened. It came out of no where. Another best man duty. So unprepared. I should have done research. It was time for a best man toast. I was on the spot again. They popped and poured the champagne which bought me about 4 minutes to think. The toast itself was pretty short, but I’m told it was moving. Josh claims that I was about to cry. I don’t buy it. Heather says it was even better than my speech. I say bullocks to being prepared. Procrastination is the way to go. I was not ready and I wowed. So, the party started to wind down and it was time to say goodbye. I tried to tell each person goodbye and to have a safe trip home with extra attention given to Josh’s parents. I was sad that I didn’t get to spend more time with them, they’re great. Heather’s parents are awesome too. I didn’t speak much with her mother, but her dad is a great guy. Everyone was awesome.
The next day I returned the tuxes in Tampa. Helen and I spent the day at the MOSI museum. It was a really good time. We saw Gunther von Hagen’s Body Works exhibit. I only found out that what I thought was an amazing display of lifelike sculptures of human insides was actually a room filled with cadavers. I thought some of it was really creepy while I was there, so I’m happy to have found out only afterwards that I was in the presence of actual dead bodies. We toured the rest of the museum, played with a bunch of the hands-on exhibits and ended it with an IMAX film. Under the Sea – narrated by Jim Carrey. Yes, that Jim Carrey.
I had an amazing experience this past weekend. A lot of factors went into it. Being around my best friend again. Seeing him and his now wife in the happiest moment of their lives… their life. I met a lot of new people that I really like, and I got to see some people again that I never really realized I had even missed. I got to do something that my friends will always remember. I was a part of their wedding. Not just there, but actually a part of it. My name is even on their marriage certificate. I had amazing company with me. Best manning is highly recommended in my book. And bringing a really amazing someone along as a date, in the words of my good friend Emeril Lagasse, “kicks it up to notches unknown!”
Best Man Speech:
Josh, we've known each other for nearly a decade and in that time we've been a lot of different things to each other. We started as acquaintance but became friends, enemies, teammates, opponents, best friends and possibly due to our own shenanigans we nearly became a tag team once or twice. We've had our share of good times and lots of laughs. I know the dads will vouch for me on that one after our little road trip today. We've even on occasion had to see each other cry. You've definitely been there for me many times. I'm sure late nights at Denny's will evoke a few memories. I just want to say thank you and I'm honored to be here today as your best man.Heather, I want to say thank you to you as well. Even though you and I have not spent a ton of time together, I can certainly say you're a good sport. Sorry again for the time I almost ran you over. But seriously, I know that you make Josh very happy, because in all the time i had him to myself in Naples, he never fell for my bad influence. Not once. Josh has proven himself, at least to me, to be a faithful and honorable boyfriend. I'm sure that will only continue into marriage.Thank you both again for allowing me to take part in this special occasion. I wish you a long and happy life together. Congratulations.
