stop being lonely

When I was in the kindergasrten, I actually had only my sister with me. I also started school with her just to avoid being alone in class. She always was more sociable and got faster new friends, just because she was prettier than me (yes, you heard me). Later, in the third grade, I had friends on my own and everything was okay till the sixth grade. Then we moved and had to change the school and there were totally new people. My sister went into another school. I found “friends”, but they actually never really were. I was just hanging out with them in the breaks, after school I was all alone. A year later I kind of got friends with other people in my class and then my “friends” changed quite often, but till now I never meet them after school. Just now and then I get invited somewhere. And I feel really sad when I see such big groups with those “cool” people and they seem so happy having so much friends and always do something with them and so on. Also it kind of hurts when I see them in the floors and they see me going to another room, all alone, and sitting there doing already some of my homework. And they can spend their break talk to friends.
The biggest problem is, that it just seems, that I simply not extrovert and cannot talk to people without being kind of… dull. It is just my character. I know about my problems, but it is just the way I am and it is hard to change so much, just to be more integrated. But otherwise I will never have friends or other social contacts…

I hate being lonely and not having someone to hang out with me. Two out of my four closest friends live close to me but they don’t have cars. The two friends expect me to take them to places that are farther than I want to drive. I want friends who are going places with their lives. I’m 28 and I don’t really know how to make friends. I talk to people but I just talk to much and when I;m saying nothing people don’t strike a conversation with me. I’m tired of this I want someone to talk to me first and to hang out with me. I don’t have boyfriend anymore.

that’s probably all it is.

I’m dealing. Playing my guitar. Volunteering/working are the highlights of my days because I’m surrounded by great people. Young and old. I’ll eventually find a hang-out-at-least-once-a-week-buddy. ♥ Until then—I’m dealing. =)

co-workers asked me if I wanted to goto the movies. So I got off work an hour early and went with them. Yay me! I’m making up the hour tomorrow. But it’ll be worth it. ♥

but I’m not as [lonely] as I was. I just need to interact with people one way or another and I’m happy. I only talk with people online or my co-workers, but I find joy in that. ♥

Going pretty well…keeping busy helps.

Everyone thinks I am the life of the party….but I am so lonely it is hard to bear. And I don’t even know why. Someone please say something to make me feel better….

God, I was so close! This week we learn that physical closeness does not put an end to loneliness. Ouch. Duly noted. But hey, it’s still fun :)

My life has been a constant race to stay one step ahead of it. There are times when I thought the race was over and I had finally won, like when I got married. But she didn’t love me like I loved her; she had no way to know that I was heartbroken and lonely and sleeping beside her in the bed. She was the most surprised person in the world when I asked for a separation, and crushed when I asked for a divorce, but she never saw the pain in my eyes. For my part, I never saw lonliness catch up to me until it was too late.

Now I’m divorced, and though I was blessed to find love again and to feel happiness in her arms like I never knew before, she’s separated herself from me to close the book on her own long-since defunct marriage before she’ll allow herself to come back to me. I sit alone again, hoping that the fates that have befallen me and stolen all happiness aren’t at work again. I’m hoping that my bad luck, my torn karma, my dark cloud or whatever it is doesn’t leave me truly alone again. I pray that this latest wave of lonliness is just temporary…things will work for us yet and my heart will be healed and the race will finally be over. But I fear that the end for this love might be soon, and lonliness will knock me out of the race. I’m tired of running this race. Seriously, I want to quit. I want out of it.

I’ve been lonely for a very long time. Got a lot of friends but I tend to keep people at arm’s length.

Gonna change it in 2009. Not by going to random parties and bars, but by taking opportunities to get close to people who share my values. Even if I feel shy of them. Which I often do.

Got to start behaving differently.