make close friends

While this goal may never be “complete” or checked off my list, I am happy to say that I do have friends. I have a support system around me who value me for what I offer. I am thankful for the relationships I have created, and to all future ones to come.

i have spent my entire lifetime making close friends. so far i have only been gaining them. now that me and my friends are growing older, maintaining the close friendship has become a real task. its worth it all the way though.

I’ve never needed very many friends and I’ve never been popular, so a few close friends to rely on and just hang with would be nice. I do have my fiance but I don’t wanna hang on him every minute of everyday. Also he’s a guy and it would be nice to have some girl friends to do girl things with.

Problem is the longer I’ve been without friends the easier it is for me to live without friends. I often find myself thinking critically of others I don’t know. I assume nobdy wants me to talk to them or vis versa. And anytime I’ve got the golden opportunity to be someone’s friend I just can’t keep up with it. I stop talking to them or contacting them probably for fear or future rejection… Not sure what to do about that…

I’ve been totally anti-social since the new year started, but I’m finally going out tonight. My job is totally killing my spirit and leaves me feeling more lonely than ever. I feel bad for not reaching out to, or returning calls from my friends, but I keep putting it off anyways. When I’m home, I’m ok being by myself, but I am so tired of being by myself at work. Some of it is the environment I work in, but I notice I’ve been kind of bitchy and short with the people I usually talk to. I guess it’s really only one person, but still, he probably just thinks I’m a jerk. Perhaps I can pull myself out of this and start creating a social life.

As much as I hate social network sites like myspace and facebook, I just found one of my old music school friends and am happy to have connect with that part of my life again. I don’t know if we’ll stay in touch, but at least I made the effort and put myself out there.

I’m going to the movies with a friend tonight. The friend count is still kind of low, but I’m working on it. It’s gonna be hard to go out tonight because we’re not going until 10pm, and I have to be up for work at 6am, but if you want something, some sacrifices must be made. My sacrifice is sleep.

I’ve moved more than 30 times in 31 years, not counting all the times we moved when I was an infant and toddler.

As a consequence, I do not have an close friends. While I have some family, and my significant other and my son… I do not have anyone to just be social with. No one to call in the middle of the night, no one to go on vacation with every summer, no one to come to my wake one day.

It makes me feel like I am a failure when I see the hundred or so people who came to my grandparents’ 50th Anniversary.. people they’ve known for 50 years, for 20 years… and I have no one like that.

I’m working on it. I went to my friend’s work BBQ this last weekend and socialized with a bunch of total strangers. I’m not sure what kind of impression I made, but I did it and that’s what I am going for. It was actually a lot of fun and I met some nice people. It’s been cool having at least one friend that I hang out with. We hung out quite a bit last week, and he was my first house guest on the day I got my new apartment keys. The only kicker though, he told me (not directed so obviously at me) that guys and girls can’t be platonic friends. We’ll see though.

It’s time I make this happen. I have some friends now and I know it’s up to me to keep them in my life. It is so easy for me to just let people and relationships go like they were never there. Now that I will be living alone, I will need these friends to keep me in the loop of life and to not go into depression. I have met some really great people through my roommates and I hope that we can all still hang out even though we will be living father apart.

I suck at this. I’ve been working on putting myself in places and situations for this to be more of a focus, but I’m not getting anywhere with it. Perhaps this is just who I am. At least I enjoy my own company and am not afraid to go places solo.