Things aren’t going as well as I would have liked. I don’t feel like I’m getting any closer. In fact, I am being lambasted with the reality of how far i am from my goal. then again, things happen for others. the guy on greys anatomy had only had a few shows before he got a series. other people have had more or less. i need to believe that i can do it now. I have the goal of booking 2 things this month. I want to search voraciously for the work but I dont’ know what to do. I know my managers are submitting me but so far they aren’t making much impact. 1 real audition in the month since I signed with them. My manager is awkward, sensitive and really, really hard to be around. I’m always afraid I’ll offend him or he’ll get the right idea. As usual, i’m just going to have to go off and do my own thing. I don’t believe there’s any ironing this out. Actually, I feel very bad because my manager said that this agency passed on me because of no credits. however if the agency liked them enough they would have wanted to meet with me. it just tells me that they have no clout. i’ve made a bad decision but it felt like the only decision at the time. i feel i need to rescind and start looking for work on my own. i have a meeting with an agent coming up and i’m really looking forward to it. i have a lot of work to do. i have to get a handle on my body. i have to find some places to look for regular work. i have to campaign for myself and i need the money to do that. right now, i am completely lacking in funds. the secret says that what we focus on we attract. i need to switch to a positive focus. looking at things in a positive manner i have to say that at least they are doing things for me and we have a dialogue going and its’ a positive dialogue. god is looking out for all my interests. i did a great audition. it was interesting material and i am attracting leading roles which is what i asked for. i am going to continue to focus on what i want. i need to figure out a way to deal with my managers. Or I need to move on by getting new things happening for myself. Sending out new postcards with the show that I’m going to be in would be a great start. Getting a new tape would be a great start as well. I need something positive to focus my mental energy on. As far as looking for work, i can go to events, concentrate on my looks, improving them, send out post cards – i found a cheap place… do workshops, there really isn’t enough that i can do to improve my odds of winning except for visualizations and affirmations – they don’t let actors procure work for themselves. I can send some post cards to people i’ve worked with before. i expect to see very little from this management company. they just are too negative and they don’t understand me. how can you look for work in this town, this is one of the main reasons that i don’t feel good about my ability to be successful, i can’t actually go out and look for work. not union work anyway. this really bugs me out. i’d like to be working the breakdowns but i dont ‘have them right now… what should i do about that? i would like to turn my career around in one day but i don’t know how to do that. getting a new agent will help but there’s something within myself that also has to change. honestly, i’m spinning. i’m honestly spinning. no new ideas. 5 years ago

i am working on this by doing the play that i am working on. otherwise, i don’t feel like i am moving toward my goal. it’s probably hard some time when you are doing things. doing theater is very new to me… i need this experience but let me tell you, it’s very scary… i only hope that i can make it through this week but i am very concerned. i have been meditating and visualizing and working a little on my scenes in my head but with the new lighting and just the whole being on stage… it’s going to be really interesting. i have had no problems before though, but i always had a lot of fear in the beginning. there have been times when i didn’t have fear but not lately, i’m trying to break down why… i wish there was a magic pill but ….it’s likely that i will just have to deal with it. i should pick up the vitamin b that i like and do some yoga every chance i get before the play but of course, i don’t feel like it. well, we’ll see. 6 years ago

I do this year is going to bring me to booking a series next year. I am going to continue to hang in and make good. This year is goin to be my best – my absolute best! I am excited. I am going to rock these summer months and this spring! I am going to stage, television and film. I am not going to pass up this opportunity now that I am one step closer – things are really going to happen for me! 6 years ago

I have a lot of work to do if I want to get people to bring me in for any and everything. To get back on top to where I used to be. Im not sure where to begin. Doing plays, probably not the best idea, not unless they are well known hot plays. I need to get a great manager – yes back to that that will help me get known. I also need to keep up my contacts with casting directors. I need a full fledge marketing campaign. Complete with more pictures and fresh postcards. I need a time line with which to get these things done because I really feel like I am behind.

I am more motivated to lose weight now. I want to do all my advertising during the month of April. Well maybe for one full week in april. i have so much work to do. i want to advertise to the casting directors. motivate my agents somehow and motivate managers as well. i need to see what i can do to really bring managers in but i’ll figure it out as i go along. this year, things have to be different and all i have is time on my hands, as long as I keep my business going.

The marketing campaign could look like this:

highlight my talent in some unique way:

plays
new entry into unknown using article excerpts
marketing of lorca performance

beauty
great picture
snoops’ wife
ll’s love interest
reporter on csi
hooker on the district
actress in your office

marketing to casting directors with projects
call and follow-up
send out post-cards
create web-site

new class

going to events and seminars

new clothing – new look 6 years ago

I have found out about a role that is right for me. I have tried to get in touch with everyone I know. One of the headwriters is trying to help me however he’s not there yet….This is a great opportunity. I need to focus on the material, even though I may not actually get a call, I have to try.

I have to try really, really hard. The agency should be able to get the number but they haven’t yet. They should have a manager who has the number but maybe they don’t want to tip them off. There are many things that I have learned and I think that things are going to be worked out from hereon out.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am going to get a call even if I have to go over there. Maybe Jerris knows.

Hmmmmm. 6 years ago

This is a dead goal. I don’t know why. I haven’t taken any action on it. I really had hoped for more support from my agency and I didn’t get it. I feel twarted like there is no reason for me to expect any support. I know that I felt like this before I even got in the business and that it doesn’t matter who or what I am, anyone can feel this way. Anyone can lack confidence in their goals. You know, this isn’t my dream. My dream… I don’t know what that is. I only have goals. I have several things that I need to do. I am going to spend 15 minutes per day doing them.

That is my new promise to myself. I can see that I am very unhappy with my life and that I really need to do something with regard to this dream in order to satisfy that dissatisfication. I feel like there is nothing that I can do and yet I feel overwhelmed with the things that I am doing, my play.

The reason why I am doing my play is to become a better actor. To stay ready in case I get a phone call to hone my craft and to change my image. I haven’t worked it all out yet but I think that I can move forward with the new image thing.

People need to know that I am a good actor. I want to put the new credits on my resume. Of which there are two. I have pretty much met my goal of acting in something all year. I need to work on getting a manager that can make the best of my attributes.

Ultimately, I think that if my body and my wardrobe and my hair were together, I would feel more comfortable pushing myself.

That’s what’s missing. I really need to push myself! Everything I try leaves me feeling very tacky, I keep stopping myself from moving forward. I need to do post cards and I wish I had the money for a whole new one, but I don’t. I need to move on the ones I have but the printer isn’t working properly, seems to need more ink but it seems that I already bought ink for the printer, it seems to be new ink so I’m reluctant to go out and get more… these things are stopping me from taking care of the post cards which could get me more auditions.

I think that I would like to get some out today, but I don’t know. I have been thinking about handwriting a message rather than using a label. Especially since I have a lot to write and then I can write different messages to different casting directors. This would make me very, very happy. I could actually get some things accomplished. I could write on a label. I think that would be better anyway. Not sure if they will read it but I could try. The important thing is to get the information out and to start promoting myself. I need to find new ways to do that. I am very uncomfortable promoting my acting. In other words, I still don’t feel comfortable inviting people to the play but I can still let people know that I am in the play. I am not sure how something great can happen to me then but I have some time before I invite people to the April 27th showing. Meanwhile I have to get my cop performance ready.

I am a little nervous about this but I am trusting that everything will work out alright. That I will be in character and that I will be able to do a good job. I have to work on it though so that the reality is there for me in the play. I don’t have many lines so I think I will be okay. I also need to work on when I can prepare for the other character. Since I need to perform both and haven’t performed them. I resent this but it’s because I agreed to take on too much and I may not be able to be rewarded by it all because of being overwhelmed. I haven’t taken the time for each character and I need to go through my calendar and carefully plan when I am going to do that. 6 years ago

Well, I may have yet to go on any series auditions but I have booked a play which I consider a place to hone my skills and get better so that I can book a series and some television. I am a little disappointed in the play because I find that the people really aren’t that good. Very mundane boring cliche acting. But I guess you can’t have everything. I have a role in the play and it’s not that big and it’s a little wierd as it robs me of all my sexiness and feminity but I can develop a new character. I can also lend some truth to the way people experience police officers. The understudy role I booked is my favorite and I’m going to get to play that at least 2 times and I’m sure I’ll get to play it even more… That’s definitely something to look forward to. It’s absolutely amazing. I’m looking for a new great manager…I have to work towards this. II emailed my agent to ask why I am not going out and haven’t heard back. We’ll see.

An audition that I am good at can pop up at any moment. I found myself to be too serious in all this but that’s what this play is about. There were a lot of people that aren’t that serious about their careers and some people that are. That’s just the way the story goes.

I need to send in pictures for those jobs I read about on line. There’s no reason not to send. Plus, I get to update my resume, again. I should celebrate my accomplishments. For a long time I never had any thing to update my resume for. Now I do. I did a film last year, I did a tv show this year, I’ve done 2 plays now a 3rd and I also have become part of a really great theatre company. pretty awesome.

things are going to work out after all…. i think. i should know, i have to really discipline myself and really work hard at visualizing more often.

becoming a stronger actor can’t hurt though. Though I also need to use good marketing skills, good business skills and i’m not currently. 6 years ago

Well, I may have yet to go on any series auditions but I have booked a play which I consider a place to hone my skills and get better so that I can book a series and some television. I am a little disappointed in the play because I find that the people really aren’t that good. Very mundane boring cliche acting. But I guess you can’t have everything. I have a role in the play and it’s not that big and it’s a little wierd as it robs me of all my sexiness and feminity but I can develop a new character. I can also lend some truth to the way people experience police officers. The understudy role I booked is my favorite and I’m going to get to play that at least 2 times and I’m sure I’ll get to play it even more… That’s definitely something to look forward to. It’s absolutely amazing. I’m looking for a new great manager…I have to work towards this. II emailed my agent to ask why I am not going out and haven’t heard back. We’ll see.

An audition that I am good at can pop up at any moment. I found myself to be too serious in all this but that’s what this play is about. There were a lot of people that aren’t that serious about their careers and some people that are. That’s just the way the story goes.

I need to send in pictures for those jobs I read about on line. There’s no reason not to send. Plus, I get to update my resume, again. I should celebrate my accomplishments. For a long time I never had any thing to update my resume for. Now I do. I did a film last year, I did a tv show this year, I’ve done 2 plays now a 3rd and I also have become part of a really great theatre company. pretty awesome.

things are going to work out after all…. i think. i should know, i have to really discipline myself and really work hard at visualizing more often.

becoming a stronger actor can’t hurt though. Though I also need to use good marketing skills, good business skills and i’m not currently. 6 years ago

i’ve discovered that instead of losing 10 pounds I’ve gained 2. I’m sure that I have a fear of working out and of being successful and I don’t know why. I was hoping that a lot more people would be signed up here and that they’d have tips for how to get over this. It sucks. I have goals on my list that I am not approaching and it’s because of a fear so deep that I often don’t allow myself to feel it. I become obsessive about other peoples’ lives. Helping them. My life and my short comings and my inability to focus on myself and reach my goals is really hard for me. I have so much fear that only when I focus through meditation can I actually fear it. I’ve always thought I wanted success but here I am deathly afraid of it. I am afraid that if I truly live and am successful I’ll die or get a disease or get seriously hurt. I also don’t believe that success can happen. I don’t believe that people can really be happy. Though intellectually I understand these things subconsciously I have these other long held thoughts from my childhood. I think because I am releasing a lot of clutter that I can even feel anything or realize this. I will continue to declutter and see my life improve because of it. It should be said though, that i don’t have more than the average amount of clutter though… there’s no room full or room where you can’t see the floor jus the normal amount of cluttering clutter but releasing it seems to be helping. I’ll be doing more of that tonight. 6 years ago

I feel terrible. I feel like everything I’ve ever wanted has always been and will always be beyond my reach. If it was going to happen it would have happened already. Today was a terrible day. I spent all my time on some stupid fucking play that end up dribbling down to complete bullshit. I hate myself and the world right now. Life fucking sucks. I hate everything. actually life is a gift from god and it doesn’t suck but i hate everything right now. al these things that i am not good enough to have i hate everything.

i am so mediocre… i always be mediocre even if i’m not because i’ll always be perceived as being mediocre. 6 years ago

THis has been my goal for years. last night after i saw my episode i realized how very far i am off the mark. it’s sad. i want to be positive and i’ve said my affirmations this morning and i know i’m supposed to turn feelings into actions but i feel so bad right now. maybe i should make a hair appointment, get myself looking better but i really don’t know how to make my dreams come true. or maybe i do but i’m not doing it for some reason. i have had no series regular this pilot season. i had one but it went south adn it was born to go south. i need better representatin. but how am i going to get better representation? do some hot new work. a play… i’m auditioning for the vagina monologues and maybe that’s bringing up some feelings. guys, i feel so bad. i feel rejected from the guy i like and i realize that he’s obviously not that interested. i feel like a failure. i’ve been trying this for so long and nothing. people tell me i need to lose weight but i can’t lose weight. i don’t have the commitment and i have so many other things to worry about. eve ensler says she worked out and stayed strong and the queens took care of everything else. whitaker says he asks his ancestors. i’ve prayed and i know that imaging and affirmations do work and i have been doing those. i think the next thing is just to take care of my hair and my nails and everything. how’s this? i don’t really want to do those things because he can’t appreciate them. i am figuring out what my life will be like without him when we’ve never even been on a date. the same kind of thinking has rocked my life for ages. the cycle of men and dreams, rarely coming to fruition. i want to jump off the planet right now. i work so hard and for so little return. last night, i spent all this time speaking to my son about why he needs to do his rough draft – he refused for 2 hours to put pencil to paper… he didn’t feel like it. i’d wanted to get a good nights sleep and instead ended up dealing with his issues. i put so much energy into my life and for what. he does everything he can to keep himself behind. today, instead of working on his test and science work, he’s going to be bullshitting with friends, meanwhile he’s provideing the perfect distraction to my audition for the vagina monologue work. life really sucks for me right now. yes, i thought a man would make it better, i always do… yes, i am capable of more but i think i need people around me who believe that. i can’t deny that this is a really hard time in my life right now, i’m getting older and things aren’t balancing out on the balance sheet of life right now… i’ve given, as usual far more than i’ve ever received.

i want to concentrate on myself but you know what i don’t really know how to do that. 6 years ago

I made a phone call to a manager that said she was interested. She seemed overwhelmed… said she had too many things she was doing right now…. Hopefully my agent will get some auditions for me! I am going to meditiate and do my affirmatinos right now. That should help a whole lot. They say everything comes from within. That and I am going to declutter…. I think I really need to also declutter my goals list. I have too much going on to concentrate on one thing. I don’t have a focus right now. It’s all like a mess. I am helping my son with his grades consistently and workin on my housework but I’m not doing anything towards my career really. I will though… I just have to really think about what I can do this month. This is going to be March soon. I need to focus on getting a series regular role. What would that look like as my therapist used to ask me. Who would I be then if I had one. I definitely don’t think I am ready for that. I think I would have to be organized. I’d have to have something to say to the world. 6 years ago

Not sure what I could do! 6 years ago

That I don’t see myself as a series regular. I wonder if I perceive people as perceiving me as not being able to handle it. Why should that matter? I don’t know but it does. The fact of the matter is that I actually don’t perceive myself as someone who could handle a series regular job. I’d much rather have various film jobs. I read something today that made me think a little differently. I am possibly just accepting other peoples vision of what is possible in my life. If I just thought possibly and believed than I could have all things.

I should just try that because I actually believe it works. Just focusing on what I want and believing it could happen and it will. I need to get some celebrity magazines. They help with my focus, as well as the trades on a daily basis as well as affirmations and visualizations and prayer.

Lately, I have been sidetracked to thinking on my career because of the guy I like. Not receiving a phone call from him has really gotten in the way of my feeling good and like good things can happen to me. Even thinking about this now is taking my thinking away from being all that I can be. Getting a show on air.

Getting a show on air is a major commitment. If it’s a sitcom than it’s easy hours all the way and fun, fun, fun. I don’t know of any black sitcoms hitting the waves that would be ideal for me. Maybe I need to find out if there are any.

I would love to be on a television show as a reocurring character as well. That way I have the best of both worlds.
I am a little concerned about what a series regular schedule would do to my son. We are so close and I wouldn’t want to be away from him during his off hours. I need to keep a close watch. I wonder how we would swing that. I don’t think they work 5 days a week though. I don’t think so. They may shoot like 3 days straight but I’m not sure. You know I don’t think it’s that bad, depending on the show. I need to find that out. In order to be on a show for this kind of commitment, I would have to be putting in more hours looking for the work and working on my craft.

I would have to be really serious about putting work up in theatres and doing things to get ready such as writing letters and producers to casting…? Maybe not. Ummm, getting my hair and nails done and doing what I can to work on my figure. Yes! getting magazines and looking at the latest fashions and making some changes to my wardrobe? Yes. Going on some new health kick like more water and all my vitamins yes. Finding some kind of spiritual focus like meditation and mantra on a daily basis to get myself competition ready. Absolutely, improving my pschycology. Writing on this goal everyday. Absolutely. There are about 2 more months for pilot season. I should get a couple of appointments. They could come in at anytime. I should take the weekend to work on my closet and myself. What is the best look I could possibly have. Who am I in the marketplace. What would I like to play? I think I have everything right except for the body and the clothes and maybe even my makeup. I am going to ask my mom for a airbrush. Then I just have to hunt down the right make up which would be a worthy ideal if I want to show up looking perfect and beautiful.

Being beautiful, clean, crisp and stunning would be my goal for this audition time. I’m also not in class but I think that I am fine because I am workign on myself and hope to be doing a play real soon. Maybe I should be in class even though I’m not.

If I were on a show, I would have so much more influence in the world around me. I’d be able to do so much good in everyones’ life – even my sons. I would be in a magical kingdom to some degree. I’d be able to drive the car of my choice and have all the clothes I could ever want. I would have finally reached my ideal. People wouldn’t be able to put me down as a loser or feel sorry for me anymore because I would have made it.

I wonder if you know who is directing any pilots this year. Probably and I’m sure he isn’t going to put me in any of them. My memorizing is really going to help me this season. Naiiling material like I can this way is going to allow me to put some spin on it.

I look forward to that and will test it out this Saturday! 6 years ago

I need to find out what roles are out there this season, as i’ve tried to do and then go from there… i guess my agency will be making appt.s to get me in front of people. maybe i should just concern myself with myself and go from there. 6 years ago

about not getting a new manager and rather doing some of my own management. I’m not sure how I would go about that but I know one thing I am lacking is follow-up. I have noone to find out how my meetings are going as of this point and to make phone calls for me about projects that are right for me. I don’t know how I could be that person. But I do know that by going out and meeting new people, i could open myself up to a greater pool of resources and go from there, the thing is that there are so many things going on each week and i don’t know when and where or how to go… i need to stay centered and figure each thing out. 6 years ago

I’ve done nothing in regards to this role today. Thought a little about my hamlet soliloquy. 6 years ago

Guys, I don’t feel so close to getting anywhere with this goal… but I’m closer than I was 5 years ago because i am better at what I do. A friend today told me she did the nbc showcase… i didn’t even get to audition for that though i wouldn’t have gotten it because she was busy cozying up to the casting director… mmm there are so many things to do i don’t even know where to start… what am i saying… noone cares… i have every chance at greatness tomorrow is anew day and i’m ready for it… i’m learning and i’m going to get there. 6 years ago

I came closer to this today when I got a callback for CSI New York. I did a great job on my audition. You know what? I did an excellent job. The CD said perfect for the 3rd meeting in a row. Unfortunately, the callback was cancelled, they’d x’d the role but I worked so hard maybe they’ll work extra hard getting me on the show. Hopefully, but this invigorates my agency as well. 6 years ago