I have been fighting this damn thing for years, and up to this point have been just accepting it. Yes, irritated, and yes, dissapointed in myself for the bad things I have done, and the good things I havent done.
Yes, trying to control it, because I “like” to drink some beers and have fun. And it IS fun. TO A CERTAIN POINT. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to discern when that “fun” line ends, and when that “asshole” line starts.
I am actually getting to a point where I am beginning to be angry at this addiction, becuase there’s so much that I need to do, so much that I’m actually halfway into, and cant finish becuase of this, all good stuff.
I dont like waking up, thinking to myself, “what did I do last night, who did I yell at, what did I break”.
This is all besides the fact that there is TONS of stuff I need / want to be doing to detach myself from this 8 hour workday crap, that I dont work on AT ALL when I drink (stuff I could have been done with by now). Matter of fact, it usually takes about 3-4 days after heavy drinking to get my full motivation back.
Of course it is at that time, I feel like drinking again. News flash.
I actually enjoy having a nice clean, beautiful, godly home, and now, as I look around, many of the things I enjoy are broken, and the people I love hold resentment against me, because of the actions I have taken, and the things I have said, and things I have done, while I was drunk.
The only thing keeping my life half way together, is the fact that when I dont drink, im a very hard worker, pretty personable, and a very giving person that will help people out as much as I can.
Totally different from when I drink too much….Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.
I have learned at least ONE thing over the past few years.
I know I cannot have a couple beers, especially by myself, at home. No matter what. I will always drink more, and more, and not get anything done, then rant and get short tempered with people I love, and break things that I like.
.
.
“This isnt fixed yet, but I havent given up hope, because Im not broken”
-Shaun (me)