follow my heart

My heart ticks.
It’s like a cogwheel. When its out of place it causes unhapiness.
It’s like a dancer. When the beat is right it gets beautiful.

Listen to it. To the beat. To what it tries to tell. If I listen to that most important sound, that of the drummer, than I will become whole. I will be in place.

this has become a no brainer… I am following my heart and hopefully it will continue to lead to more amazing adventures and stories. I am wishing and hoping to devote myself to my passions and eventually it will spark some kind of business. That way I dont have to keep clocking in and out for another company but my own

Okay, so I’ve been thinking about the “follow my heart” thing all morning and this is probably obvious to everyone else but I just realized I have to be more honest with myself and everyone around me. I may not know exactly what I’m suppose to do yet but I’m working on it and the only way to make the trip go faster is by voicing my opinion and telling others how I really feel. If something is holding me back or bringing me down, I’ve got to tell them even if it means the risk of upsetting that person. And if they get upset, it just means they aren’t putting my feelings into consideration.
This may all sound somewhat confusing because I’m not explaining the whole situation but the bottom line is, be honest and don’t be afraid of what others think.

As a minor note, I also need to stop letting people pressure me or rush me into anything I’m not ready for. I’ll get there when I get there.

2009 has not been my best year. Ever since January, I have been trying to sort out the conflicting feelings in my heart. My trust was broken by the person I cared about most in the world and I was becoming bitter. To make matters worse, his patience was wearing out and I could feel it. We’re over now, but it was a very long, and drawn out process which involved possible love intersts on either side complicating things and a lot of harsh words. In the end, we decided we just had to let eachother go; not because we didn’t love eachother but because so much had happened. There was just no getting over it. Trust is necessary in a relationship and he lost mine a long time ago.

Now people keep saying “Do what makes you happy.” It’s not easy because I feel like people always want something from me and I just want a friend. Also, I’ve noticed that doing what makes me happy doesn’t always go over well with everyone else. It’s not easy for me to be happy when I know the people I care about aren’t. Today I need to focus and find a way. I’m just going to have to work harder.

My heart tells me to enjoy learning more about music. Sometimes I think about learning how to play the banjo and going to my ex boyfriend’s house and sitting underneath his window playing that damn thing until he comes out and admits that he loves me. But just for today I’m going to stick with the instrument I actually have to work with. My voice and my Mom’s guitar.

i have been…and it has made me very happy…I am actually happy, yet I will never let anyone around me know that (except for you amazing 43Thingers!)

I arrived yesterday afternoon. It is still very weird, knowing I won’t be returning ‘home’, home of course being England, where I have lived in the same house almost 22 years. But home is where your heart is, and mine is most definitely here, in Sweden, with my lovely boyfriend, Erik. Of course, I should credit 43Things itself with a little thanks for us even being together, considering it was here that we met :)

live my life for ME
not conforming to some illusional and “deemed acceptable” standards

so i tried to keep my date on a friend basis just to protect myself…and ehh it didn’t reallly work. before i knew it i said yes to going out with him, and now i have a boyfriend? eh okay. just a lil shocked and confused but thats okay.

I didn’t totatly play offstandish apparently…so huh.

well i do like him. I do =]
i love how he asked me to go to church with him in the morning…that’s always been the one intense thing that I have judged about guys…and without him even knowing it, he has made himself amazing

this is why I can tell tell I am pre-menstral

I want to cry because I guy that I may or may not like asked me out tonight…

it’s so silly how emotional one can become…

anyways back to following my heart… I am in a very tough situation that I have made tough on myself, and I am so unsure of myself that I am lost and confused.

I want to tell this gut that I have always had a crush on that just asked me out that “please try to just forget about me, I am honestly not worth your time, trust me I will drive you insane. And I really don’t want you to have to deal with me, I am not worth it, so as hard as it is for me to tell you this, I like you so much that I don’t want to hurt you or drive you off a cliff…”

i am sooo weird haaa

anyways who knows what i’ll tell him, you should have heard what I told my ex when I broke up with him…ehh haa poor guy…

i don’t know if I’ll let my gaurd down and be willing to be hurt for a chance of opening up and maybe find love…or I may just build my wall taller to hide anyone and everyone that has any chance to hurt me…for I realllly don’t want to feel the pain =/