find a balance

Between what I can do, and what I can’t do. In how much I let others affect me.

I have an issue with a younger family member, who is struggling very much. But they are also abusive. It hurts me so- that I can’t help them (ie they won’t let me), that they won’t help themselves, that they seem to care so little about how the rest of us feel too. I know they are hurting, but hurting us back- sometimes quite deliberately, calculatedly, and sometimes just acting out in general- it is too much. They don’t have the right to do that.

And if I wanted, I suppose I could inure myself to them or turn away from them, emotionally, and in the end I am afraid that is what I’ll have to do. I need to find a balance, to let them know loud and clear that I love them but they have to get their act together and try, for God’s sake, they have to effin try, and no, they can’t treat me like shit.

They are young. If they were older, I think I would find this somewhat easier. I might be able to see where that line is, between helping them and enabling them, between supporting them and keeping them from having to live with the consequences of their own behavior.

I don’t want to have to cut myself off from them- because they’re family, and because I can see in them this beautiful person that I want to get to know. And then they go and do something horrible, and I have to really struggle to keep my temper under control. I have to step back from all this, because I don’t like who I’m becoming in those moments of anger. But I don’t want to lose them forever.

Maybe they are already lost; maybe they never were “mine” to start with. Maybe nothing I can do would make a difference. If I enable this destructive behavior, I’ll lose them; I fear if I am not there to help when they actually want help, I’ll lose them too. Hell, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself somewhere in the process.

Damn ambiguity. I’m afraid I’m going to make the wrong choices here- and I know whether my choices are right or not, I’ll have to live with them for the rest of my life.

I really wish I knew where the line is, where the balance is- or how to find it.

Maybe I know what to do, and I just don’t want to accept it. If so, I need to find my peace, my balance, with tough love. Right now, I’m not sure how.

_{http://pootdamnyou.deviantart.com/art/Its-all-in-vain-37019400}

I’m having a hard time trying to balance out all of the activities in my life. I have half a day taken up by school, practice violin for about two hours and not get distracted by that, and THAT has to be the first thing I do when I get home otherwise I won’t have enough energy to play well in the evening.

Then I have stuff like homework and German, piano, and surfing the next.

I need to stop wasting time online too. I’ve just deactivated my Facebook, and temporarily removed Xanga. I can spend about two hours or more surfing online doing technically nothing useful and it’s ridiculous.

In which where I can be nice and not have people take advantage of me. How do I do this though?