Overcome my eating disorder.

Yesterday was good too. I feel like i am getting the hang of recovery…. I’m starting to FEEL recovered instead of just acting like I’m recovered and still having all this shit in my mind. :)
If anyone else is reading this and feels like things will never get better…. THEY WILL! it just takes time… a long time! but eventually, with patience, you will get there. I know my journey with recovery isn’t over yet, but I’m confident choosing to get better, and fighting for that with everything bit of determination I could find, was the best decision I have ever made.

has felt so good and normal. yoga, food that’s healthy but what i wanted, listening to myself. :) i will keep this up

I’m not doing as well as I’m supposed to do. I’m struggling to find reasons to keep fighting. I’ve realized that I’ve stopped eating many foods and only eat the few that are “safe” over and over again, plus a lot of other distorted behaviours have come back. The fear of gaining and staying at a healthy weight stops all my attempts at trying to get better. I feel like I’ll go in circles like this forever. I have very little faith in myself that I’m strong enough to fight this eating disorder. It seems like I use up all my energy to be a likeable person and do well in school, and then let the eating disorder live its own life.

? I don’t know

Okay, its a fresh new day. Yesterday is gone so no worrying about its relapses.

I’m going to tell myself, “Is my stomach REALLY hungry? And what do I REALLY want to eat? Nothing is off limits.” <—The last statement is what freaked me out yesterday & led me to a binge. But this morning, truly believing that NOTHING is off limits makes me crave more for healthy and whole foods that my body IS really craving… not binge foods just to rebel against my food rules. That’s crazy!!

10am- homemade burger made with vegetable pattie with avocado, jalopenos, onions, and lettuce inside, all in a whole wheat bun. ate and savored each bite in the kitchen, drank water, and back in my room again. no cravings for anything else.

10:40am- binging on family size chocolate bar… what the heck…

In today’s counseling session, we talked about my binge foods. One trigger is the pressure from my self-imposed laws, like 1) NO CARBS, 2) GO OVER-EXERCISE, 3) EAT MINIMUM AMOUNTS, 4) ALWAYS BE LOSING WEIGHT, 5) NEVER EAT DESSERT, etc. Then when I binge, guess what I binge on? Carbs & desserts & sweets.. the forbidden foods. So this week’s assignment is to LET GO of my laws, which makes me anxious just thinking about allowing myself carbs (even just 1 serving). But letting go is what will eventually rid the power that food has over me. When no food is forbidden, maybe one day, I’ll just crave what my body needs… like a turkey sandwich w/ salad… and not freak out about it.

So this is a scary but necessary step. I already binged immediately after I was assigned this homework cuz the thought of carbs freaked me out. But slowly but surely, I will get this someday with practice. I will keep practicing. If I fall, I’ll just get back up & try again.

NO MORE FOOD LAWS.

This is not going to happen

I want to be able to enjoy my food. I am neither Anorexic nor Bulimic. I’m a binge eater. I’m not a hardcore binge eater – I’m not obese and I can’t swallow 3 cheeseburgers at one go, but I DO eat even when I’m not hungry and I DO eat more than I should, which causes me to get a stomach ache.

I was hospitalized a while ago and while recovering, I was really careful with my portion size and with chewing. I realized that small but frequent meals worked better for me and chewing at least 30 times goes a long way to prevent bloating and indigestion.

But I seem to have fallen back into my old ways. I gorge on my food like nobody’s business. I feel like I keep shovelling it down, or I eat simply because I’m bored or I’m upset about something. So yes, I’m also an emotional eater.

I’m going to start by chewing properly again. Sometimes it’s difficult and you space out when you eat and then you tend to shovel everything down really fast again, but I’m going to try. Again.

I remember during that period when I ate right.. meaning I didn’t stuff myself, and ate small portions (albeit frequently), I had never felt better.

I want that feeling back.

I never want to believe that an eating disorder is the only way for me again, because it is so not. It’s a mental disease, and the more I tell myself that the more I want to distance myself from it, because I never wanted to be a sick person.
I want to healthy and do my body good. I am going to keep on beating this and hopefully soon good times will come.

This is an addiction, one that i am going to face for the rest of my life. Sometimes i wonder whether i pushed it too far and it’s too late for me now, but i still have that tiny bit of hope, to be free and to recover, to not have to take pills everyday just to stay on my feet.