Overcome my eating disorder.

I’ve really tried to find good and healthy values in my life these last years. But when I’m honest with myself what I value higher than anything else is still

being skinny.

When I admit this it feels like I’m writing down the ugliest swear word in the world, because I’m ashamed that this is what matters the most to me. But I don’t know how to give up on it. I feel like it will be forever lurking in the back of my mind. I can fight to ignore it and remain healthy and at the worst miserable, at best uncontent, or I can chase it and repeat a sick cycle of obsession and get a taste of fake happiness and confidence.

I wonder if I will always be haunted by the eating disorder-voice that lately screams at me so much I just want to cry. 2 months ago

I went a whole month without purging! i feel like I can neven do it again! I feel like I’m gaining control over my body again the healthy way. Well… not healthy yet. I still binge. a lot. Actually this past month I gained 5 pounds as a result of not purging. But that’s ok. It has to come to an end. I was sick too. Very sick. And everything got off track. Now I’m in laods of work. Once I’m all caught up. I’m planning on trying out the gym that bf goes to. He loves excercising, and i want to enjoy my fitness again. I’m trying to keep all my streght to avoid purging and binging. I want to set myself a goal just to see if I can go 3 days without binging. It’s going to be very hard :S wish me luck 4 months ago

I’ve always been somewhat fat… Never been thin. At one point I did drop several pounds, but that’s because I wasn’t really eating much and my metabolism slowed down horribly. My mom put me on a diet last year, and as the pounds started to drop, I started to feel more determined. I went to the gym every day, began to eat less and less… When I went to parties, the pressure to pig out was just too much. Was my last meal really yesterday morning? Well, just one cupcake wouldn’t hurt…

After that, I’d feel so horribly guilty about it. I’d find myself on the dirty bathroom floor, fingers down my throat, half-sobbing and half-puking. I convinced myself it was a one time thing but boy, was a wrong.

Didn’t eat anything anymore, aside from a fat-free yogurt at lunch. But when I got home, I found myself cramming food down my throat and purging it up not 5 minutes later. I hated it, but I knew I couldn’t stop.

I didn’t believe I had an eating disorder. I couldn’t be one of those people, couldn’t be so messed up… Could I? At this point, I didn’t know. I strongly refused to believe I was anorexic, but I ate so little…. But when I got home, I stuffed my face and purged it! So if I did have an eating disorder, what did I have? Thoughts like these clouded my mind all day, every day. I was so confused.

My parents just recently noticed how little I’ve been eating and even caught me purging. I go to a therapist now, she’s really great. Though I still don’t fully believe I have an eating disorder (denial, that’s what the therapist calls it), I’m doing my best to eat normally. I’ll be strong enough to do this, I know I will be! And you’ll be strong, too. (: 4 months ago

I miss the gap between my thighs, counting the ribs on my stomach, grabbing the bones on my hips as I try to sleep. The gap is slowly closing and it’s harder to find a prize as I search for bones. My body used to console me, give me a reason to keep going as the goal was set higher by my dear friend, ANA. Now she’s gone and all the purpose left with her. I NEED CONTROL AGAIN. Without it I will die. 5 months ago

Ugh I’m trying so hard to get the concept of ANA out of my body and mind. She’s stuck, she’s my best friend that won’t leave me alone. I’m not supposed to look, but everytime I see the number on the scale growing it makes me sick, disguted, repulsed.

What I’ve eaten today:
2 bowls of cereal w/ nonfat milk
1 mini chocolate chip muffin
2 spoon fulls of ice cream
2 pieces of bread w/ butter and jam

Maybe this isn’t a lot for a “normal person”, but this is WAY more than i’m used to eating in a day (and the days not even over yet!) I hate feeling full, it makes me feel FAT.
I am trying to resist starving myself for the rest of the day to make up for excess calories, can I win this battle with ANA? 5 months ago

So so so Soooo much.
I’ve wasted so much time in this misery.
I want out. But at the same time I want control and weight loss.
I’m pretty much had it with bulimia but I hate that I never want to push my anorexic tendencies away. Whenever I get that control.. I don’t want to let it go. 5 months ago

Not doing so well, I binged and purged yesterday and today. I don’t even know why :( 5 months ago

I have an eating disorder that keeps getting worse. I have had it for 7 years now. I used to just binge, the graduated to binging and purging. Sometimes I did it 5 times a day. I lost all self-control, so much bad things have happened in my life that I turned to food as a cure. I know that now. i eat when I’m happy and i eat even more when I’m depressed.

This is starting to have a very bad affect on my health. My teeth are warring out because of stomach acids. I live heartburn medication. And now figured that the number of cysts on my neck has increased, the have also increase in size and pain. This scares me.

I want to change this habit, and live normally. I want to be happy about my body. I want to spend the energy that I have on better things other than food. And I especially WANT FOOD TO BE MY FRIEND AGAIN.

I must control my urges to binge, which will avoid me the purging. I decided to pick up reading as a distraction for every time I need to do it. Wish me luck. 6 months ago