Overcome my eating disorder.

I want to believe this

I think..recovery is possible..I think if i stuck to it, i could recover. But im scared. Im literally scared, and worried to recover! To forget about looking good and EAT! “If I eat today, I’ll gain and I’ll be a fat cow. He will never want me back..” Thats what i think..well sort of. But really..He doesnt want me to hurt myself. I will gain. For sure. I have before. I do even if i eat a little bit. My metabolism is so screwed up. Ugh. Im like stuck in the middle. And I cant choose what side i WANT to be on. I’d rather be skinny & free from this. But i can only have one..Confused =/

i may just be able to do this. it feels amazing. and actually not ‘may’ i will do this.

for the first time in over five years i feel like i am getting my power back over this destructive disease. i am fed up and angry about it now, mad that i have dedicated so much of my life catering to this constant screaming bitch of an eating disorder. which only left me looking gaunt, tired, lethargic, uneasy, obsessive, anxious and isolated – NO WAY TO LIVE.

IT IS AN ADDICTION and it has to be treated as one, and for the first time i am realizing this first hand.

i thought i would never EVER get over this – i thought i would be like this for the rest of my life. i actually didn’t even believe people who said they had recovered. recovery is possible, i can’t believe i am actually saying that and believing it.

once you get a glimpse of recovery and what life can be like there is no turning back.

i feel like i have a fresh start on life, i feel like i can finally start living again.

My eating disorder has taken over my life and ruined my teen years. I lost a really good relationship over anorexia. My boyfriend broke up with me becuz he couldnt handle what i was doing to myself. Its over but i still love him and he made me realize although exagerrating just a bit that im hurting myself so much. I cant just eat. I feel horrible i feel full and when i cant purge i just want to die. Its taken over my life. I remember when it all started, and I honestly wouldnt change a single thing. Im not proud of it, but i dont regret it either. Its made me a better, stronger person. My family always said i was overweight. And now they say im to skinny and sickly looking. I dont see that, but its a huge change from 2 years ago. I want to recover..someday. I dont know when that will be. But i know i dont want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want a long relationship i want to be happy. I do want to be skinny. that will never change. Im struggling each day to eat or not to eat. I want to have a full recovery story someday. But you honestly cannot recover 100%.

I did it all..stopped eating…exercised crazily,went through depression,lost a LOT of weight and almost ended up in hospital..i was emotionally dead and just felt like a big brunt in everyone’s way…all i wanted is just to dissapear from the face of the earth…I lived on 100almond nuts each day obsessing over every milligram of food or liquid that had entered my body… One day I just cracked went to a dietician that told me that if i lost anything more they would put me in hospital..I started talking to my youth pastor who explained to me that my mental patterns have formed one negative message(mine was: I just dont know) and that the whole process could be solved by using anti-depressants…I was hopeless and could not help myself I was so scared of gaining weight and becoming the fat girl I was before but I also didnt want my life to continue the way it was…so I tried the anti-depressants and the eating plan that the dietician worked out for me-not always fully…but with the advice she gave me she promised me that as long as i was eating healthy food i wont get fat again…I told myself this the whole time and it took a lot of time and relapses for me to be where i am now…a healthy curvy shape…Now I love my life…Im working as acircuit coach for Curves and im helping other people to start a healty way of life…please message me if any of you need someone to talk to…Im still battling te scale…but now It doesnt make or break my day..coz I am what I do and not what i wheigh..luriza

o god
i don’t deserve to be alive.
but i will stay alive because i’m not strong enough to starve myself to death

I have been diagnosed with anorexia. I want to get well and love myself, but… I don’t see how I will ever be able to. I just want to creep into bed and never get up again. I am scared of gaining weight and hate myself even more. I am scared of what others will think of me. But I am also scared that I will ruin my life forever. Nothing is as it used to be. I know I have to change this path, but I just don’t think I have the courage and strength to make it.

at the last weigh in, so i might not have to go to hospital if i keep this up, but ive been thinking alot of dark thoughts recently which might hold me back.

I wont share any of the thoughts here though incase they’re triggering or anything, but i have thought about the roots of my disorder:

-2 people close to me passing away when i was young, and i remember thinking i ‘want to suffer their cancer for them’,

-In the last 2 years, 4 other people have died, one of them i went to school with,

-addiction to the ‘high’ you get,

-always being the ‘nice/funny/best friend but nothing more,

-guilt for a good friend’s eating disorder,

-guilt and jelousy over other things,

-perfectionism over very trivial things such as writing, hair, clothes, i didnt used to care if i looked like a dick, but to me i was nearly perfect except for something else, you all know what.

-my (past) marijuana use being restricted by society

-maybe just growing up too fast in this nice modern world of friends being stabbed, muggings, gangs, drugs, dickheads who always wanna fight….. and this is something i can (or thought i could) control.

and the list goes on.

It’s too too much to try and explain in one entry, but I was just discharged from residential yesterday. I was in treatment there for 2 months, and at somewhere before that for 2 months before that following a suicide attempt that landed me in the ER. I have had my eating disorder/eating struggles for 10 years. I have been behavior-free for the past 7 weeks. 2 months ago between residentials, I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom after purging, crying. I was absolutely hopeless, thinking that the rest of my life was going to be spent in my eating disorder, miserable and suicidal, in and out of treatment. Today I still struggle a lot, and I missed a couple exchanges in my meal plan, but I have so much hope for the future and the things I want to do in my life.

if i have to make a new account again i am going to punch a baby.
again.
anyway.
it is me.
PLAYTASTIC, and PROBLIMATIQUE.
you can tell because all of my names are capitalized.
what can i say.
i enjoy the attention.

okay.
i guess to some degree thats a lie.
i love to be told, “darling, you look so thin.”
i like to see in the mirror the hip bones press up against my skirt.
i like to feel the bones in my shoulders cutting into my hand.

i like everything to scream to me thin. so much that i am seen, that i am envied.

but at the same time my heart stops every time i think someone will find out my dirty little secret.
that one day they’re going to take me away and fix me.
try to make me see that diet and exersise is the way to go and to focus on my emotional problems…

but what they dont see is asides the fact that i drink to much and shove my finger down my throat theres nothing wrong with me.

besides, we have bigger problems…
what am i going to do when they find out im in love with a girl.?