Still feeling beautiful!
Round and happy and full of life. 3 weeks ago
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and I feel beautiful. My nails are strong and growing long, my hair is thick and glossy, my breasts are round and full :) It’s just a glorious time in my life and the positive pregnancy hormones are certainly helping. 2 months ago
- Having my nails done
- Styling my hair
- Dying my hair a funky new colour
- Wearing sexy lingerie
- Newly preened and shaped eyebrows (eff these hairy caterpillars)
- eating better
- drinking water (as opposed to living off of coffee) 4 months ago
Investing in a lil stylin’, and I already feel much better… Wash face, brush teeth, put together cute clothes and that’s it. 9 months ago
and then, two days later, said he thought we should go back to “just friends.”
Basically, I think he was hoping to get laid and when he saw that wasn’t going to happen any time soon, figured kissing wasn’t worth his time & effort. It doesn’t make me feel very good about our friendship, or about my attractiveness. Like, if I were prettier or had a better personality, he wouldn’t just be looking for a “pump & dump” with me.
Rationally, I know this is more of a reflection on his character than on my appeal, but I can’t help but feel that it says something negative about me. 9 months ago
Do I feel 100% pretty 100% of the time, nope. There are still times I feel judged and found to be unlovely or not acceptable as a person for how I am dressed even though I tried so hard to be lovely or acceptable depending on the situation. However. :) I don’t feel beaten up, cast aside, scorned by all eyes like I used to. I will have my moments of struggle. I know I will. But they are moments, not life anymore. This goal has moved to a larger scope in life – feel confident, be confident, have confidence in life again. Bold bold ideas, but there it is. I know the LORD needs and wants to be my confidence, and that that is probably the only way my own confidence can truly be built. But this goal has really captured some great entries for me, and I am grateful and proud of how far I’ve come.
I say this as my hair is not as vibrant as it once was, I say this as it needs some extra TLC and attention, I say this as my nailpolish is chipping at the base coat since color never got put on afterwards lol, I say this needing my bath and to trim my nails, I say this and say too much information right lol. But I say this because…... it’s true. When I read over my goal list this goal just doesn’t seem to fit on my list anymore. Somehow I know I am, even if I don’t look or feel it. For whatever that is inside, healing maybe, I am grateful. and I thank God. :)
- eff 9 months ago
want to mark this done. I feel better than I used to. I’m a bit more settled in how I look. Not positive or hey look at me settled, but just not feeling as negative therefore I feel settled. It’s just me, and I’m a woman so, I’m supposed to be pretty by definition. lol (haha!) so I am. and when I can, I’m wearing outfits I want to more and more even if I’m not back in the workforce I once was where I would normally dress that way every day. It’s a different life for now, but I am starting to enjoy it I guess again. (wow. really). :) ((((God)))))
so I don’t have the full confidence, and sometimes feel badly about how others react, but likely I’m reading into their thoughts. I do try not to overdress if I could make someone else feel badly or draw undue attention. (I just also want to draw attention in that I am a living breathing person who’s interesting not just a moving mass of sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts.) So sometimes if I feel like I’m getting attention more than that, well, I feel awkward, but I guess the guiding principle is my heart motive. Why am I dressing a certain way? I honestly want to dress appropriately, modestly, and still beautifully and just freely me. And that, is my goal. To be pretty again in a full freeing way I haven’t before. Comfortable. Appropriate in every single way, not just situationally.
Lord, I want quiet confidence in being a woman and feeling pretty because it was Your choice. lol oh lol. :) and the nice thing is, that yes I know I’ll have down times and struggles, but I made it this far. that’s amazing. really, whisperingly, gratitude-full, quietly smiling amazing.10 months ago
I know I need to eat and get warm since I’m cold. I know those things will help, but I also know that it doesn’t change the things that are still there. It only pretends to balance them. 10 months ago
Not feeling pretty, for me, was a symptom of having given up on myself and believing I was not worth the effort pretty took.
Believe that you deserve it, and that it is possible. 10 months ago
actually, believe it or not, finish this goal soon. I think most people will struggle on some level with this whole topic, but this just doesn’t feel quite like it’s applicable as it was before. I may not feel pretty necessarily, but I don’t feel so un-pretty and let’s be honest, that is exactly what I was feeling when I wrote this goal.
grateful, but we’ll see what happens with this,
- efg 11 months ago
I fought today. Felt better than I had even though extremely sleepy/tired. Just took it slow. Found out why I was tired. Glad it wasn’t worse. Still going slow. Came back after today’s to-dos and felt so alone. Felt like, now what. So I turned to music. Played some and really saw not the music itself but how it signified growth in my life. It was a good thing not just a ton of sad songs. I could look at them from a step back and as a larger thing.
Haven’t eaten so well today though. Talked with someone. I needed to talk to a certain kind of person. Just because. Somehow I just did. Can’t explain it. And I’ve missing two people in my life today. I’ve needed them, but with all they have going on…. they can’t be there for me. It’s made it rough. But today I realized they need me right now too. So I’m glad I called. I did most of the talking, but it was a good thing. We needed to catch up I guess.
but now, still having not eaten well, I’m a bit sad. I don’t want the series I’ve been watching to end, and it will shortly. lol and it’s later than I thought, but it’s more than that. IT’s that I researched the ‘next doctor.’ can’t even say what that means, because can’t even think that far. so. much. involved. too tired to.
here’s to wrapping up my day well. Tomorrow is not as I hoped it could be, but I’m VERY grateful I requested different physio-r-therapy today in hindsight. Later this week there is a concert I might go to. Not my thing, but still I miss being with those kinds of people involved in it. So we’ll see. Either way, I’m glad I’m not doing worse right now. Just, well, there is SO much I’m not thinking about by choice and survival and wisdom.
tired, better finish this up.
I want to use the rest of my feeling as good as I do in this day. Because I’m starting to feel worse. :( lol and yet I’m fully aware it COULD be even worse.
confused, or so I think I sound. lol
need to eat. 12 months ago
pretty is just a matter of getting out of whatever rut you are in. I’m not crazy about my new hairstyle, but it’s different and that’s progress from what it was. :) So I like it overall, and it is after all more practical and manageable that way.
Then, I painted my nails. I touched them up with remover the next day. and the day after that touched up the touch-up with paint again. (lol)
Now I need to find something to wear that fits and works and is easy to move in and be me in. Checking the weather now! :) 13 months ago
that much. it’s a confidence thing. being comfortable in your own skin. and it doesn’t hurt if someone else notices in an appropriate way. especially when those that do make you feel even uglier. nope. not staying there. so not sure how or when, but I need to do a few things to feel confident again. because if you do end up looking pretty, but don’t have confidence, you end up feeling cheap. at least I do. I have to believe I look that good and better than I look even, then I have the confidence to look my best for that moment. something like that. i need to portray my worth instead of hoping it will somehow suddenly appear or something.
going to nap instead of writing nonsense things I know little about,
- efg15 months ago
Again I’ve looked for a goal on my list called “Be happy!!!” because after so long I am for a moment.
Been trying to change up my diet, and I won’t write a marathon post explaining my dietary saga and whatnot, but this is there. It made me so happy to try something I hadn’t been able to have in so long. True it may be short-lived, and I pray to treasure every moment (and mouthful) of this right now. But 3 or more different things after so sooooooo long. I’ve prayed for God to guide me and to restore to me joy in eating since I lost so much of it with everything that happened. And again, while I don’t know how these changes will affect my health, I want to thoroughly enjoy the gift they are for now. Last year I added 3 new things that scared me for some of the content, but so far, the good outweighed the bad. Now I’m moving much more boldly in adding other things what feels like recklessly. If I can, I want to see about getting some testing done this next week. The specialist is only in the area briefly, and I don’t know if he/she can see me, but I would like to. It’s worth a shot even if I’m really tired after it, and he/she is a jerk. lol the testing should still be worthwhile and helpful in knowing how to continue with dietary changes. True I’m a little preparing for sadness in case weird things come up (I almost hate finding out anything new going wrong even slightly in my body at this point. oh well. true.) But with the taste of sweetness and creaminess still lingering on my grinning tastebuds, and triggering memories from ions ago. It’s certainly worth taking a risk with a smile and seeing what happens. We can rebound and recover afterwards. (bold words, eh?)
I dunno but somehow life just seems a little sweeter and creamier too. a little more pink like the dish I just ate and little more of a treat instead of work like eating veggies. lol Hey!!! Just realized if I make the frozen yogurt dish and it works, I can finally finally use certain dishes I’ve had for over 10 years waiting to use and never having the chance.
I know I know, this may all seem vague and silly and unclear to people reading. I know. But I can’t explain it further because I’m not sure I can even explain it to the people in RL who know me. It’s just that this year has changed so much for me, and I don’t know where things will lead anymore. and that’s okay because I’d rather treasure the gift of eating real healthy things that are tasty and reminiscent of old friends I lost. it’s okay because I’d rather meet up with them again and the memories they bring and joy I almost cry at feeling again from all of that. it’s so okay. :`) because even if I had to give it up again, I got it back for awhile, and I made the most of it I hope. and who knows where life will lead. It’s not headed to walking in death like it was. There is hope. Hope because I’m not there anymore, and if God brought me out of that, Who are my health problems unknown and uncured to shake their fists at Him? Will He heal me? I don’t know. Will He lead me into healing and a path of it? I don’t see why not because He already has and I know that’s got to affect my physical body. so we’ll see. Life is still in a fallen world where things get messed up and mess you up too. But right now I’m posting this because it’s JUST as real and true :) as the tears in the darkness that come. JUST AS REAL AND TRUE, YOU HEAR THAT?! :)
all my love,
because I feel whole enough to spare that much,
you know, it’s so simple. nutrition. and yet it’s incredible the affect it can have on you. I would never have treasured it like this before, and I never ever want to lose thought of that. need to be that way with other things I take for granted to.
still smiling….. and going to dream of pink fluffy hearts and all things little innocent girls dream of…. 16 months ago
a bit lonely. I know I’m tired and that doesn’t help. but got an email from a jerk. hasn’t changed. still all about them and never even realizing it is that way to them. hate, hate, hate that.
but it somehow makes me sad. dreamed last night about getting into a yelling match with them and woke up this morning with my hands and jaw hurting. they still hurt me all the way here. yeah, it’s not as much, yeah, it’s not anything like before. but I still hate it. my life here is so much better, but it’s struggling. not against anything in particular, but perhaps just struggling to get off the ground and start. I want this start. I really want it. I need to focus on the goal and aim there. That always worked in target practice, it can work in life. Know your stuff, practice and train, and then forget all of it and just lock onto your target and transport your brain there until your aim and your goal meet to completion. hmm. wonder if and how that really would apply to my own life. might think on it some more. got lots of plans of what I want to do (new haircut, paint nails etc.), but we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. for now, I get to luxuriously be. free. from. “them.” in truth, him especially. and I’m going to enjoy that freedom to be beautiful tonight, girlie, feminine, free in so many ways, quiet, and owning my own mind in peace and without having to fight against so much insanity from others. I’m satisfied with where I am tonight because of where I was. and if I truly delve into loving it ‘here’ then I will have the space created for new and beautiful places to come into my life where now they are only wisps of lip-bitingly, anxious and exciting wishful dreams.
off to be beautiful until I feel as anchored as I once was… years ago. watching some shows tonight made me remember how I used to be. strong and confident. quiet and controlled. I can be that again, but with peace this time because I’m the one choosing it this time not being forced into it to survive what was forced upon me.
maybe. just maybe. I don’t have to be who I’ve had to be these last two years. Maybe it’s finally time that I can move on and leave so much pain, sadness, and heart-massacring sorrow…. in a different lifetime. and maybe it’s no more dreaming. maybe it’s really I don’t know… my chance? my chance to be who I choose to be. fully and more freely than ever. Dress how I want. Carry myself how I want. Not how others manipulate me into feeling. Not how other peoples problems trap me into dressing. maybe I’m not making sense in writing this. maybe I’m typing long past when I should be sleeping. maybe it’s even more unwise to write online than I know it to be. Whatever the crazy reason or thought I should be thinking. well, I think I’m glad I wrote, because I wrote things I hadn’t quite thought yet. may take a bit of time to deepen in me and take root. but I’m not who I was. and for the first time in life, I don’t have to be. think I need to make a list about that. and think I might.
now. off to be who I am,
~ efg (lol almost signed my name! well it’s good I have clarity of focus and truly see my goal’s accurately like I was saying, right? lol) :) 17 months ago
just for a minute I feel a sense of community and that we are all moving forward each in our own lives and celebrating each other’s victories. Maybe I’m naive. But that aside, lol, I guess I hadn’t felt like part of this place for awhile. Let me explain, I didn’t feel like I was daily living happy little steps towards larger far-reaching goals. Because for the last however long, too long, I’d been gritting my teeth to dust trying with every last fiber in me to survive this thing called life, and get to a better place. I couldn’t even really remember the entries from forever ago about learning to cooking or running to the waterfront or painting or keeping a list of things I was doing outside of this life goal list. and I felt like my own life had no color to it. It was very black and white. mostly dark with the light smudged into. like a worn ucky newspaper. the kind where the smell of it gives you a headache.
now, I almost feel like God, my Father, wrapped His arms around me a little child and unrolled a large well roll lol of creamy parchment colored paper, but it’s perfect for coloring on, and I get to use a fist full of wonderfully colored crayons as I draw the picture of my life with my Daddy watching over my shoulder helping me draw the sun shining in the sky and fresh bright green grass you can almost feel the coolness of beneath your feet just above the warm brown earth. and there’s a blue sky with puffy kid-drawn clouds and maybe red somewhere in a rainbow. oh, it doesn’t always feel this way. some of you may understand better than I can since I’m here in it. but all I know is I’m here not there. and I can’t believe that my life went from material used to make kidnapping notes and line animal cages to something a loving warm and safe parent puts up with special magnets on the fridge because you were so loved that spot was waiting for your latest expression of living.
so. though this week was hard like really really really really bad in some ways, I’m trying to move forward from it and not be afraid of the lesser things. Asking people to help, regardless of if I like them. Realizing it’s time, I don’t understand it all, I can still have boundaries, and this is what I need. I admit it now that I can see it. I’m not sure I could have unpacked all that stuff alone. Anyone who might have read the last few posts I wrote before leaving and physically moving from a bad place, knows how dead I felt and how unable to pack I felt. it was like moving through jello… that was starting to freeze. lol so I guess it makes some sense that for whatever reason, unpacking is a little of the same emotional effect.
I don’t want to be like this forever. I want to have the guts and strength to pack and unpack my own stuff. But right now I’m needing to take care of me, not my entire long (we hope) life. just me right now right here. and she can’t do this. she’s pretty beaten down even more than I realized. her spirit was almost killed and then God got it out of there. It’s still not strong. It’s pretty weak, and it needs some nurturing and TLC. so. I’ve accepted whatever help is available and if it’s not perfect, well I’ve been praying for discernment and protection and seen after the fact God answering and helping. (still wish I could sense Him there in the moment, but still this much is why I’m making it this well after really bad days). and if the help is not perfect, again, at least things are being improved and progress is being made. so I’m trying. to go with it. to day by day just keep allowing the help offered and resting as much as I need. I need to let go and for now, that means letting off the load on me. we’ll see where things keep going, but I’m praying, very strongly (read: desperately) and taking it one section of the day at a time.
time to rest again, because that is what I’m being given right now. I don’t have to fear it, I can relax and say oohhhh good, I really can rest. in every part of my spirit, and mind, body, heart, and soul. rest where I really can.
enough hopefulness, time to eat and rest again, to live it.
- efg/ always still, choosing_freedom ♥ 17 months ago
sleep really really well here and love it, but I keep waking up feeling sad, and I’m not sure why. And every day I feel a little colder and take a little longer to thaw out. The sun is shining, but I’m not in it. I sat in it yesterday a bit and that helped. There is just still so much to do here to make it livable. and somehow something’s not right with me. I’m not sure what, but something isn’t. Do I need a hug? Do I need conversation? I probably need to talk and process this whole move out. That’s probably it, and yet all my ‘friends’ disappeared into their own worlds during this time. Two helped, and the third I don’t want as a friend, but I need the help. So I’m not sure what to do. But I think perhaps I really need to call someone and talk. At least I have a small handful of people left that are safe enough to talk to…. as the numbers dwindle. guess I should eat, sit in the sun maybe, and see if I can warm up my muscles to actually get things moving here today. I mean I need to cook food! and I need to find everything needed first FOR that.
so the world is being shut off, and cf is holing up in her new place where the sun does shine even if only on one patch of the floor. That’s where I’ll sit.
~ c 18 months ago
I didn’t want to take the time to find the jar of compliments goal, but part of this should be there. A friend just told me I was “a forced to be reckoned with.” LOL! love it, and have got to find a way to fit that on one rose petal. hmm. maybe I could sew a few together to unfold. lol :)
But I also feel a smidge pretty because of two things or so…. got to take a long relaxing shower today instead of being rushed to run to an appointment like I have been for I guess awhile now. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I just enjoyed daily tasks because I took all the time I needed in order to. So. feel prettyish. :) And then someone helped, and I was able to get so much done! Yesterday God somehow had me like a computer running on top ability. I got so much done it was amazing. Lots of phone calls and setting things up. Today I felt awful waking up. Just hurt and felt like I needed a hug too. So I prayed a lot, stretched, took my time waking up, and prayed some more, and eventually I felt able enough to start the day. This is what I look forward to hopefully after my move. Having the time. To handle the life and health I do have and actually be okay as much as I can be. For growing up expecting the world, I sure have changed to be grateful for less than even what’s considered normal. and I really am. so that’s good.
So today, got the last bit of stuff done. I can’t believe(!) how much smaller my to-do list is. I could almost giggle. I’m tired, sue me. lol :) so I’ll lie down for a bit, pop a few things in the post, and then just rest. Later I can start in on some inroads to packing, but above all, self-control. lol (anyone else catch that Cinderella’s Wicked Stepmother quote?) no above all, take it easier today because God’s given me the chance TO, and I need to take several things to the LORD in prayer for the next few days as well. Plus resting today will give me the strength for tomorrow’s events and then…. resting a bit more and more each day will (gulp, bites nails).... send me off on my choice for freedom… the escape route God is finally opening up for me.
which is why I need to pray. I need the guts to take it and make sure it’s final. somehow. someway.
this song came to mind earlier this morning:
“would you dare, would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing…. for the pain that you’ve been feeling… can’t compare to the joy that’s coming…. hold on, you’ve gotta wait for the light…. press on, and just fight the good fight…. cause the pain that you’ve been feeling… is just the hurt before the healing… cause the pain that you’ve been feeling…is just the dark before the morning…..”
to all those out there holding on and ready to let go…. you are worth more than you’ll ever know. And though the people around you can’t see you…. God cares when you can’t see Him, and He wants to get you through this to a brand new morning.
so hoping I’m on the brink of a newness and freedom,
♥ ~ cf 18 months ago
This will be a rant in hopes it helps me.
I’m in tears because of you. again. I woke up happy today, feeling better than I had in awhile. Knowing I had stresses to handle, but trying to face them for once. And then silence from you and harsh words from another… ripped me up. It’s MY fault I can’t do this. It’s my fault I can’t do that. Somehow it’s my fault I can’t do basic things right now, and that’s not true. Oh, I can’t even see right from crying so hard.
It’s my fault no matter what and therefore you can take your anger out on me instead of getting your own lives where they need to be to be whole. I warned them years ago, they wouldn’t see it. And now they live in it, going crazy themselves, and then taking it out on me even while they lose their own amazingness. All incredible people. All incredibly stupid for erring on the side of love instead of sanity. One person driving them all off a cliff. One person I tried to leave before, one person I poured my life into, my heart into, my every ability. my every ability. and I’m amazing when I put all my resources together for something. at least I once was.
so tired. so very tired. so so tired. got to cry it out and say what needed to be said to the silent one at least. At least that one won’t outright beat me up as fast as the others. Go. all of you. Go live your lives the way you want. Choose your own paths of how long you will endure this. and God help you find the friends and help you need when you need it, and you will. Mark it, you will.
All that I can do is leave. Preserve the little life left in me. That’s all I can do. I cannot rescue those with their backs to me instead still reaching out in heartfelt effort to help a black hole be filled. That black hole will take and take and suck all the life right out of them, and it still not be enough for it. I think I know now why I hate movies with sci-fi monsters that suck the life out of others – it’s because I have that already in my own life.
Will this little girl, stand alone someday? She can’t protect everyone she loves for one reason only: they will not let her. Will this young girl still strong within, walk away into the quiet where she can as no one notices for so long? You can’t make friends with people who don’t want you or see you. You can be their friend, but they may never see it, and either way, they will never return the friendship. Will the young beaten up teen trying so hard to do the right thing, ever take the risk to open up her heart again and see what’s in there? To not be horrified of who she really is and what she really wants? When you feel like damaged goods before you even made any mistakes, well you end up making them faster. Will the adult woman, wiser than her life before, find the courage to live again and accept good into her life? It’s hard to accept life when part of you has died or is dead. And will the woman in the future, old and wiser still, be at peace finally having a history of it at that point? In so many ways I’m living my old age now.
To all the stages of life I’ve been, am, and will be perhaps someday….. I don’t have anything to give you right now. I’m tired beyond living, hurting beyond pain, and crying beyond tears at this point in our story. And I will break free. I will. It might be the last thing I do, but I will do it. God knows it’s the only reason I’m still here now. He’s given me nothing else I can hold onto since my grasp is not very strong anymore on anything. Just slept for almost 12 hours, and now? I need to sleep again all because of this. I don’t even have the oomph to hate it. I’m just steamrolled by it….. until rest helps me re-inflate, and I rise again to try again.
I probably should not at all post this. For so many reasons. But I just might anyway. we’ll see.
as you’ve all helped me to see,
~ Still cf….. even if I’m going to have to lie down for awhile and be a passive once again so I can actively be her again sooner than later. I needed to write these words even if only to reread them and see for myself, who I am. She is what I have to work with, not them. I don’t have to depend on them. She is what I have to work with, and I need to see the reality of who she is. sigh, need to rest now. cf19 months ago
compliment yesterday. One that makes you smile warmly from the inside out. Not beaming, just real and makes you feel good. One of my health conditions affects how I look. And that’s been really hard to handle knowing. Well several of them do, but this one especially was the newest diagnosis, and it just made me feel so very ugly. Oh you can learn how to dress, wear makeup, fix your hair, accessorise etc. but you still know deep down how you “really” look. While all is not perfect, the compliment was after working very hard for over a month now on one condition. And this was the second person to notice the improvement. I can’t even remember what she said, but it was genuine surprise and happiness for me. And it really made me feel happy I guess is the best way to describe it.
I don’t know if I’m brave enough to truly believe I look okay in this one thing yet, but maybe, just maybe I can change my wardrobe in the near future to something more fun and freeing. Freeing because I won’t have to be afraid I can’t wear certain things because I need to hide my problems and conditions. Protect them instead of bare those conditions’ affects on me for the world to be horrified at. It’s hard enough living with health problems without displaying their affects to the world to gape at. So. this must sound like such a serious but odd entry. Oh well. It’s really something most people would just take for granted. I just know that while the future could be truly really yucky, I’m so soso very grateful for improvement noted after working so hard. It gives me hope somehow. I don’t know why and I don’t know why I’m not as immediate to run away from the thought of hoping. I guess it just seems more grounded. Like I worked hard, God blessed, and improvement came. I don’t know, this sounds all wrong.
i guess. it’s just like….. but something I did, for once, worked. two things are changing for the better, and it’s because of my choices and trying so hard. finally. finally, my heart cries, all my working hard at something actually made a difference. for once it wasn’t beating myself up against a cement wall trying so hard to break through. and I know. I know this may not last forever. Things can get worse or I could forget to pay attention and reinjure or lose improvement. It could happen. but I am at a place right now where I actually have the ability to move. Forward or back. On at least two things. There are other areas that still terrify me into a worrying spin. I need to see improvement in those areas too. Anyway, I’m very tired. Not sure I’m explaining well, and need to rest. too many typos to fix. lol anyway. I tried to explain it. and maybe I did :)
sweet dreams to those asleep, headed to sleep, taking a nap… or needing desperately to daydream right now. :)
:) ~CF 20 months ago
warning: likely discouraging entry. don’t read if you don’t like dark clouds
do you ever feel like secretly, deep down….. people wouldn’t really care if your life died with you still in it. if you lost your mind, they may shed a tear. if you had to go on depression or anxiety medication, they would be alarmed at you, not for you, and mostly just write you off. that anything truly horrific that happens to your life, the main reaction they feel is how it affects theirs. you. are. a. burden. and they love you because all that means is that they take their duty to support your life enough to keep it kicking and writhing in pain.
they want to know why I freak out so much, or take on so much responsibility, or why I can’t seemingly ever relax fully. it’s because there is a small true (?) voice at my deepest level of self that says…. no, somehow just knows…. that without me I have nothing. the only hope I have of any help or anything coming through for me is my being okay first. I’VE got to take care of my spirit, health, recovery, future, hope, happiness, growth, development, inner healing…... the whole shabang. or no one cares. I’ve got to be well enough to reach out and inquire for help. I’ve got to be whole enough to see if someone will be my friend and spend time with me. I’ve got to grow enough in order to find some way to make a life for myself. Because if I don’t. People will just deal with my shell…... because deep down inside of me, they don’t care or see or something there. my reality. they don’t see my reality. that’s it. exactly.20 months ago
If I look at you through eyes that do
Not resemble theirs or even your own,
If I watch you live and laugh and love
Yet see how you’re so alone,
If I hear what you endure for real
And yet note how you fight to maintain
I might just might fall in love again
For I’d see you through eyes unfeigned.
written lovingly for CF by CF lol21 months ago
I’ve been on here a lot lately, typing away to connect with others, type my heart out, update goals, encourage others, thank others for their life-giving words of kindness and support…. and sometimes I feel like I’m saying too much too often.
But it helps to write. and right now in life I need it. Until I can get back out there and live my life forward again, or maybe so that I can.
I’ve been letting myself listen to whatever I want as soon as I want today. What Faith Can Do, Gotta Be Somebody, and now on repeat Lead Me (by Sanctus Real). It is such a beautiful song and just so true. Not only in what it says, but you can just hear it coming straight from the guy’s heart. I know he wrote it about almost losing his own family because he wasn’t being the husband and father he could be and they needed, and it’s just such an honest, real, and true song. That’s what makes is so powerful and flow so well. The music and the words ARE one thought, not separately written. At least I would be willing to bet that at least parts of it he wrote both the music and words at the same time.
I want my work to be like that. True. So intermeshed that you cannot separate the elements. And you know? I eventually want my life to be like that. One true fluid motion of movement, beautiful, steady, free. I don’t want to be separated into different parts for different people. It’s not a stable or freeing way to live. I want to be me and like me. lol and then if you don’t, take me or leave me. But at least I will know who I am and so will you.
Today, I was beaten up and beaten down again…. hence the title of this entry. How am I choosing_freedom, when I am in such a place? They fell asleep now I think, in the mess of their own life. My compassion wants to care, my guilt says I should, but why am I feeling guilty? If I do, it is because I have put up with this for so long. Today I fought back again, and I ended up shaking and crying. Oh I appeared strong and it felt great, until the quiet after the storm. and then the weakness and fatigue hit, and the thoughts of trying to figure things out. and the inability to do what I need to in my own day because I’m stuck on what happened. I need to leave. But I don’t know how for sure. I need help. But I don’t feel like I’m willing to accept it or am being picky in how it’s being offered? In truth I don’t feel like I’m getting the help I really need. I’m a terribly strong woman. I’ve been through the closest thing to horror I’ve known. I’m smart and creative, but what I need is. emotional support. I need to understand how to heal from the emotional side of abuse. (chuckle) I love when I just talk or type and then see what I’m really saying when I look back. What I just really said was, I don’t need emotional support, I need emotional healing. :) so if anyone has any tips or ideas please let me know, even if I don’t reply in depth, I can assure you I will think over anything anyone says and appreciate every word. Otherwise, it’s onward ho to continue the path and journey to freedom….. only this time, we’re healing in a yet another way we didn’t know we were hurt.
To anyone reading this right now, know that you are worth it. Whatever your dreams are, your deepest heart’s needs and soul’s hopes, you are worth it. There is a way for you. A way that frees you, truly frees you. And it’s not by ripping freedom away from others or releasing your pain in angry hurt that hurts others. Do the work because the truth is that you are the only one who can), find the answers, get the help and support you need, and try not to let fear paralyze you because you….always always always have a choice. And that choice gives you the power to choose the path to your life. The one that is beautiful, free and stable…. best wishes as you as you choice by choice choose that life.
hugs to you and to me,
❆ choosing_freedom ❆ 22 months ago