indulge my id

just because it’s pimative dosn’t make it wrong.

man was born to apes…

Be angry, desire, taste joy,

feel the things you feel.

_{“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”}

_{T. S. Eliot}

We think about ourselves in terms of good points and bad points – imagining our personality is layered, things on top, things underneath. Things we can show and things we should hide.

I have begun to wonder if many of best features don’t come from my bad side. The humour, the readynes to be confrontational, the cynicism.

Sometimes I think we can be too nice, we get ourselves bull-dozed trying not to offend.

the whole point of jack is to tell his side of the story. To descibe and explore the ugly, internal dialog he keeps hidden. In order to do this jack can’t worry about whether or not people like him, or think well of him. He needs to be free to be ugly, to be motivated by vanity, to be selfish. TO FEEL LUST. Now though he finds he has a handful of people who subscribe to him – not sure why. And he finds himself confessing things…wanting not to offend or be disliked by them.

There are things you can confess that will endear you to no-one. Since I prefer to be honest over being universally liked I will go ahead and share one of these things now.

Yesterday I was blatently ogling a group of attractive young women. I didn’t do it intentionally – usually I am very subtle: there are women of my aquaintence who believe that I do not ogle women…

I seem to be slipping as I get older. I was crossing the street, of the far side four girls in their late teens or early twenties very early twenties were standing. My eyes lingered on their firm bottoms – the shape of which were easily discerned through the skin tight yoga pants they were wearing (what genius invented those pants and how did he convince women to wear them?), I stared – stared at their breasts.

One of them looked up and caught me staring. Jack’s pretty rough-looking, I expected them to be offended – instead they asked me for directions to the metro. Not french-girls at all: english-Canadian or American tourists.

Not sure what to take from this experience. Stare if you will, but be bold about it perhaps?

and is ready to take what he wants.

when I was young I always did the right thing at the expense of my own gratification. I was a good son, a good older brother, I considered the feelings of others before my own.

I missed out on allot of sex because I always worried about the girl and doing the right thing. I tended to let girls come to me instead of perusing them. I wanted casual sex but if I thought a girl might have wanted more I backed out. If she was dating or had been dating a buddy, if she was needy, if I didn’t really like her – no go. I should have just fucked them.

Example of my worst case, one I regret to this day. I had a friend, not even a great friend really – who had been dating this really beautiful girl – tall, slim with long brown hair, a great dresser. Classy. It was painfully obvious even to me that she was attracted to me. There was some soft flirting, once I mentioned how much I liked the way women looked with their hair up in a tight bun that left the neck exposed – next day she came by my work with her hair in a bun. Well to be brief – she broke up with my friend and started dropping by my work pretty often – I didn’t ask her out, even though I liked her because of the way my friend felt about her and it would have hurt him.

I should have had the courage to hurt the fucker. I haven’t seen him in 15 years and he still owes me money but that’s not even the point. I didn’t go after that girl because of a principle. How hollow is that?