I’ve been making myself crazy lately, a sometime occurrence whereby I semi-consciously (making progress!!) sabotage my work, my relationships, and my life in general. It usually involves a fair amount of self-doubt, anger, and frustration paired with taking on too much and then getting mad at all the obligations. Charming, I know.
Fatigue sets in as a result of dragging myself through unproductive work periods followed by angsty downtime. I love watching movies, reading, taking walks, yoga, doing things around the house, and zoning ordinances; these things are either forgotten or become the bane of my (now pitiful) existence. I have a tendency to get angry and go on a fault-finding mission against my girlfriend, housemates, and/or pets (Really? The pets?! What an asshat.); these creatures become another nuisance I am forced to deal with. When, really, let’s be painfully honest: I’m the intolerable one.
I’ve been meditating regularly for the past 10 months, and I’ve made it a point to do so for the last 30 days straight. It’s helping me let go, even if it’s just a bit every day. Each day I take a step back and examine what I’m thinking and feeling a bit more. I’m only now learning to let the thoughts and feelings pass over me, to stop identifying with them so strongly, and to follow my guiding principles.
Upon further examination, I realize I’ve stabilized. I’m like the Maersk Triple E ships; put together in sections but strong and steadfast, double-anchored even. Creating dark atmospheres is like purposefully sending myself through the Strait of Malacca to be hijacked by emotional pirates. However long it takes, I will make it. Whether it’s calm seas or a narrow passage, treating everyone, especially myself, with kindness, compassion, and respect is the only way through.
Thank you for reading this. 7 months ago