let go

I’m happy to say I’m getting the hang of this. I’ve decided to finally grow up, accept it, and smile. I still feel hurt sometimes and it’s a sensitive topic to my ears, but it doesn’t affect my daily thoughts anymore. I don’t feel like there’s a hand choking my body with rage anymore. I’ve decided to just accept it, face up to the responsibility and the embarrassment, and move on. It makes me a lot happier.

yadda yadda

Letting go is harder than I’ve ever known. I have so much rage, hatred, and bitterness locked inside me it’s screaming to be free. Right now I’m so full of unrestrained emotions sitting here typing makes my jaw tight and my eyes bursting with frustrated tears. I want to let go. I want to let go of everything, but I CAN’T.

Everytime I see him laugh or smile, I just wanna go over there and punch him in the face. Hell break his legs and scream at him that he doesn’t deserve an once of happiness that this world has. I want him to feel so much pain and be in so much debt to me that every time he sees me he cowers like the liar he is.

It’s building up so much resentment and twisted fantasies inside me that I want to let go. I’m so tired of being angry. I have been angry for so long. I have wasted so many weeks on this futile emotion knowing every time that I cannot change anything and I cannot do anything.

I have tried toning my cold fury into ignoring him all the time, but when I accidentally bump into him I just want to rip his head apart. I want to stamp my foot into his stomach. This is seriously making me mentally effed.

He roams around the world like he’s the only one in it. That everyone else is the enemy and he is the only one of the good side of the wall. His own corner of self-pity. He does not even give a thought to the damage he has done around him, and done to me.

He’s trying to rebuild his world, and all I want to do is tear it down again. I think I’m a woman scorned. But I can’t help my magnetic anger. I can feel the sparks shooting out of my fingers. And they won’t be satisfied until I have made him cry.

I want to take the high road and let it go.Be the mature one and let him rot in his personal hell. Respect that all humans have their right to happiness and choices. But I don’t care. Not one bit. No matter how hard my friends and I have tried to persuade me to.

I know that picking a fight with him will result in nowhere and will not help me let go anymore than I can. So I need advice. Someone tell me how I can move on and satisfy my feeling.

I want to take revenge but I don’t want to be sucked into his ever wounding cycle of confusion and hatred. Every time we have direct contact, I’m sucked back into his world. And I’m so sick of it.

I don’t know exactly of what, though. It doesn’t make much sense, but in all honesty, at this point I don’t know what makes me feel so heavy. What is that I have to give up to stop feeling this way? I feel I am dragging this dead weight, yet what it is, I have no idea. I believe I have done much karmic cleansing. What is it that is dragging me down?

I am tired. tired of holding on so tightly.I just want to be in the flow- firmly in the moment, feeling, being,loving what I’m doing. In total trust in the next moment. NO longer beating myself up. Open to whatever happens. Not fighting everything anymore.

where to start?

I’m starting to understand this.

All of my pain, all of my fear, all of my anger, I am learning to let them go. To forget my past grudges. And if I can’t forget then to mend them. Mend them, to finally confront them and make peace with them.

I want to let go and embrace the mystery. And even though I am scared, I want to go on. I want to finally move forward in my life. I’ve been in this hole, stagnant for the longest time.

I will move on.Even this will pass.

“You try too hard.”

A woman I’ve never met said this to me in a dream last night, “You try too hard.” It’s true. I’ve known this about myself for a long time, but it’s sobering to have my unconscious tell me in plain language. It usually speaks to me in abstract, metaphorical images that send me into curves trying to decipher them. This time it was clear and simple – you try too hard, Tristan.

Let go. Easy concept. Difficult to do.

Let go of control, Tristan. Walk, no, saunter into the unknown. Smile expectantly. Just let go.

I know there’s magic in truly surrendering. I’ve experienced it. The moment I gave up wanting something and accepted that I will never have it, the phone rang. The trick, though, is to genuinely let go, and not simply let go with the hope of it working out a certain way. Which, for a thinker like me, is maddening. It’s like trying to pick up a wet watermelon seed. Maddening.

It’s becoming clearer that by trying to control my life I’ve punctured it in numerous ways. And at the base of it is fear. If I let go, then what? What will become of my life? My heart is ready to explore these questions, my mind is not.

s. regardless of the fact that i called you a selfish bitch just weeks ago, i still miss you. i’m all torn up between angry and sad and it makes me messy and stupid. i unfriended you on facebook this week. not because i don’t want to be your friend (despite the angry bits), but because it’s too hard for me to watch you twittering about mayonnaise when you told me you would respond “when you have some time”. you clearly have time, you just don’t find it worth wasting on me. if you’re wanting to hurt me, you’re doing a fine job.

a. another note on the subject of me completely not being able to let this mess go yet, i spent some spare minutes today at work googling all the bad reviews of g. (music/art/film/um.. enlightenment…should i be putting parody quotes around all of these words?) that are gleefully scattered all over the internet. felt somehow vindicated in the fact that i’m feeling more than ever like he’s a pompous, talentless, egomaniac who is spending all your money with his lazy entitled childishness (and the worst movie ever made). yeah, i’m the cuntface now. petty and horrible still living in a past that doesn’t want me. i know i’m in the wrong in that respect, but he’s still a worthless douche, and you still unceremoniously discarded me after 12 years of friendship… so i’m feeling some mild entitlement of my own today.

1. setting my own bedtime. i think it will be easier to let go if i take control of the last hour of my night. instead of trying to go to sleep when i have ‘it’ on my mind.
- i am going to say nite when i am ready to end the day. what i do after is my biz. yoga, meditation, reading, quiettime.

2. not having phone wake me up. i always leave it on to see if i was texted. and i always look for texts when i wake. not the best way to start the day on my own accord!

as miss jackson says: control!

not much has helped thus far but —
1. taking a break from the phone.
putting the phone on silent & in a drawer for a specified time, say, 2 hours. keeps me from checking my texts, waiting for phone calls, obsessing!.
2. reminding myself that i don’t wanna be codependent.
3. remembering that i am worth more!
why on earth do i want someone in my life that treats me like this?! yes 80% of the time its fantastic but the rest is just juvenile bs….not how the qb deserves to be treated.
4. finding a way to love and give love in other ways.
5. keeping busy.

next step: find some daily reading/inspiration. probably focusing on the area of say…self-esteem?!