I had these plans, the tickets, the reservations, the boarding passes…but at gate 90 at terminal 1, I decided that it was time I went home instead, I need to take care of myself. Let go. Las Vegas will have to stay awake without me. Dad and sis will need to attend shows and dinners reserved without me. They will be fine. We have prayed for this to go well. I have cancelled this flight too many times to begin with. I questioned my decision to go too often. The US customs chose to hold up a totally sweet looking lady of all 5 ft 3 in and 110 lbs threat. I missed my flights, connecting and all. The airline offered to send me to the connecting destination. My sister who was already in Vegas with my dad offered to pay for the next available direct flight to join them. I just came home though. I let go. I hope customs officers spend more time holding up real threats. I hope everyone who travels with depression and anxiety medications get treated with respect instead of discriminations. I hope everyone on that missing Malaysian flight are at peace. Letting go is like grieving. One has to keep working at it. It is a process. 1 day ago
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Before I was Jewish, I was Christian. Before I was an adult, I was a child. My mother was on government assistance. But she always made sure we had a great Christmas breakfast and gifts, both fun and practical.
And then, each and every Christmas of my childhood, my father would pick us up on Christmas afternoon. My father was actually quite well off, which I suppose isn’t too hard when you never pay any child support. His house would always be decked out with all sorts of shinies and sparklys. Downstairs, there would be a huge tree with decorations. Underneath the tree would be all ripped and torn wrapping paper with a few unopened boxes left.
And on the mantle of the fireplace, five stockings, brimming with treats. One for my father. One for my step-mother. One for my step-sister. And two more stockings… for the dogs. 2 months ago
Greif isn’t about death, so much as, loss. She’s gone. I can’t be with her. It’s not safe. So, I’ve lost her. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Only it’s not that simple. I mean, that’s a good general outline. Sometimes it is out of order or you go back and forth. Sometimes you have two or three at the same time. She’s gone. I’m bargaining and I’m depressed. 2 months ago
I realized for the first time since last January my heart finally says “No more…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olz0wPI3eX4 3 months ago
The person who has been most supportive of me through all of this has been my mother. How weird is that? I had pretty much disowned her. Hadn’t seen her in years. No phone calls. Deity love Facebook. Our relationship had been dwindled down a “like”, now and again. It was perfect. But when I got hurt she (metaphorically) ran to my side. She sent messages and I talked to her. And she has been so understanding. I saw her when I went to D.C. at the beginning of the month. And she was not the devil who threw a 14-year-old me out of the house, not the monster who ripped half my face off, not even the selfish bitch who threw everything from my childhood away because I wouldn’t fly half way across the country to help her pack up and move. She’s just this drunken, old lady. She doesn’t remember anything. So, why should I? I have this great chance to have a mother. I just need to accept her for what she is now and enjoy that.
My mother runs me out of the house. I go live with a friend’s family, my foster family. 28 years later, my foster family falls apart and my mother comes to care for me. Weirdest thing. 4 months ago
I’ve done a lot of research, spoken to professionals. I thought I could love her healthy. Turns out that she’s a psychopath. I know how she got to be. Most monsters start out as victims and I try to remember, “There but for the grace…” I thought I’d use tough love to get her into treatment. Turns out, you can’t treat Psychopathic Personality Disorder. Because basically, you’re just letting them practice, giving them tips on how to walk among the sheep. There was a study on jailed psychopaths. The ones who were treated with medication and therapy were actually more likely to reoffend. So, that’s off the table. I have to protect myself. She’s my sister. I love her unconditionally. I would do anything to save her. But there isn’t anything to be done. I have to not feel guilty about leaving. 7 months ago
For long and complicated reasons, spoke with my foster sister. Here’s her side of the story: She (foster sister) and I were just going about our lives, having a great time, when out of the blue, for no reason whatsoever, my husband called FS and forbade her to have contact with me or he would ruin her life personally and legally (Husband is a lawyer)and that is why we can’t talk to each other anymore. She has made a story where nothing bad happened between us. She didn’t betray me. I wasn’t hurt. Nothing bad happened. Add to the creepy factor FS kept saying how everything would go back to normal once Husband was dead. So creepy.
And yet there’s part of me that’s happy that she’s not mad at me. 8 months ago
I’m so calm. I still freak out a bit when I’m actually working or thinking about it. But I’m dealing so much better, not even caring that much. Except for caring about the principle of the things. I need to let go, but I need to be ready to get the bad guys punished. But I’m thinking much more clearly and I think I can handle this. 9 months ago
You know, when you aren’t in a constant state of overwhelming panic and anxiety, it’s much easier to let go. I can think. I’m so happy about that. I can look at things more realisticly, more objectively. Not saying it’s all over; obviously it’s gonna take time. But I feel like I’m in more of a position to work on things.
Current level: I love her; always will. I just think it’s best for our relationship if we never see or talk to each other again. But I miss the boys. 9 months ago
for me to be making decisions. You’d think, “Hey, someone beat you up. What’s the problem?”
I have to decide which legal avenue to take. Apparently, there are choices. And then there’s paperwork.
It sounds stupid, but I need to redecorate. I’m sitting in a crime scene. And I don’t like it. Also, PTSD is helped by changing the environment. I don’t want to spend too much. And I have ideas to do everything. So, we could do it all or any piece of it or nothing.
And just everyday things.
So, I turned it over to my husband. I am all over the place. Up and Down. At least I knew when to step back before I did anything with too many consequences 10 months ago
I tend to dwell way to much on past mistakes. Small, petty things that really don’t matter at all at this point, still find a way to take up valuable mental space that distracts me from what I want to do NOW! I need to learn to let these things go, I can’t change what has already happened. 10 months ago