be with the person I love

I thought I had finally got what I wanted this past weekend when I slept with the man who I wanted to slept with for the past year. I care about him so much, we are friends thou. We haven’t talked since we had drunken sex so now I don’t know what to think, or even if we are friends anymore or even what we really were at all. Plus he has a girlfriend right now, and he cheated on her with me and another girl so far. I am not saying that I want them to break up thou, I want to see him happy, I just wish it was with me. And maybe one day it will be, I don’t want forever, just a chance for him to make me happy even thou every second I am with him I am happier than I ever imagined. I want to be his.. even a short time would be better than nothing. I guess I can only remain optimistic, and hope that maybe one day we can be together, if not I would take his friendship above anyone elses. We are the kind of friends who touch other inappropriately and make-out, and I love every second of it..<3

Because then my best friend would eventually figure out the quality of my love for him after a series of hilarious misunderstandings and we’d kiss and live happily ever after.
As it is, he’s the one I call when I’m not happy, he’s the one I call when I’m happy. When he’s unhappy, I feel it. Last night we played chess and he gave me a massage and we had dinner in Chinatown and we talked about important stuff and unimportant stuff and, like always, I liked myself in his company. I know this guy so well, we’ve been friends for so long. I wish I could bring him joy by being as tender and affectionate as I feel, by letting him know how special he is to me. Really, there aren’t words. Love is love. It’s the rush of emotion when he touches me, it’s the hours we spend talking on the phone, it’s the gentleness we show one another. It’s the giggles and the pauses, the silent torment.
He does know how I feel. He’s never told me what he thinks. He’s with someone. She is beautiful and clever and successful and independent and brave. I do my best to help him make that work – because it’s what he wants. It hurts like hell, but I can’t bring myself to behave in a way that will make him unhappy. I encourage, I counsel, I quell the voices that tell me to manipulate him into seeing what he could have. It will never be up to me. Love that is dishonestly gained is false from the start, and I don’t what we might have together to ever be tainted.

I will never tell and he will never know. I sometimes wonder if its better like that, to let my feelings suffer. I just can’t stand the idea of not being friends. I just want him to be happy, no matter if its with me or someone else. Strange how so many people can say it, but how many truly mean it?

So imagine that you finally know love, joy and acceptance. Then imagine that hundreds of miles take the two of you apart. You are in one part of the world and half of your soul is in the other. You talk every day for hours, but nothing can compare to what you remember about his touch, his lips his smile. Everything seems to get in the way. Parents, friends, old loves. But somehow you never lose hope, hope of a better today, hope of a better tomorrow.
So before this year is over, I’d like to do only one thing that will make me feel alive: Fell those warm lips pressed against mine,and her three little words whispered in my ear and speak them back. I’m not asking for much, am I ?