This is one of those ongoing goals, but I feel okay about ticking it off: studying is ticking away – because I want to get a second degree, and am proud that I can flex my brain; I’m looking forward to getting back to the gym – because I enjoy using my body, and there are so many benifits from pushing it a little more; and I thoroughly enjoy spending the money my job nets me!

But the main reason I think I’m happy to tick this off, is that while everyone else in my team is having a minor meltdown about work, I very happily do not feel I ‘have to’ stay late, work unpaid overtime, or let the job take over my life. I choose to live with a different main focus – one I choose :)

• I want to…
• I’d like to…
• There’s an opportunity…
• I’d benefit from…
• I’m glad that I’m capable of…
• I can…
• I’m chosing to…
• I have to do something with my time – ... is as good as anything!

I highly recommend this goal. It made me see that I choose my life. I choose to go to work, live where I live, be in the relationships I’m in, take care of my body, take care of my emotional and spiritual life…or not. The simple change of not using the words “have to” shifted my view in a really illuminating way. I’m going to keep avoiding the term so I don’t forget this lesson.

that I’ve told several people today that I “have to” go to work tomorrow even though I’m out sick today. Oops. Start again with this one.

I’ve gotten pretty good about not saying that I “have to” do tasks. I usually just say that I’m doing them. I’m doing laundry tonight. I’m going to work on the financial reports. I’m staying in to get some sleep.

I haven’t let up on myself internally, however. I still tell myself that I have to relax, have to take chances, have to be brave, kind, loving, forgiving, self-aware, etc. So this is staying on my list for a while longer while I translate my internal dialogue into more accurate language. The real gift of this goal, for me, is that it links a “why” to the “what” of my actions. I’m going to be brave because I want to experience love again. I’m going to stay aware because I want to make sure I don’t sabotage my happiness. I’m going to forgive because I’m tired of carrying old hurts and I want that energy for new joys.

I haven’t been doing too well with this in the last two days. We have a grant application going out today and I was hit with a bunch of new budget information yesterday. There were some assumptions made about what I would be doing for the grant prep but no one had communicated those to me. I ended up telling the faculty member all of the other things that I “had to” do in addition to working on this grant.

Today, when I realized that I hadn’t reconciled my November grant and department expenses, I thought to myself, “Shit! I have to do that right now.” In the middle of doing all of that, the receptionist came in with a request for me to order supplies. I told her that I would get to it but that I “had to” do this (with an accompanying semi-hysterical waving of financial reports) first. I keep thinking, “I have to order that computer!” and getting stressed out.

Deep breath.

I am going to order the computer today or tomorrow. I just finished the financial reconciliations so I saved myself more stress when I come back from my holiday. There are several administrative tasks that need to be done and I will do them one at a time until I am finished or need to hand them over to another staff member.

This goal has me thinking about what exactly we have to do. The things that kept occurring to me were bodily functions like breathe or sweat or such; things over which I thought we had no control. Yet we could stop all of these if we chose by ending our lives. So there’s really nothing we “have to” do. Every moment, we choose to keep breathing, blinking, allowing our cells to die and be born. It made me think of a headline, to be splashed in the boldest of print across newspapers, websites and TV channels all over the globe.

BILLIONS KEEP LIVING!

SCIENTISTS PROMISE ANSWERS SOON!

I’m glad that I added this goal. It’s a challenge. I was on the phone talking to a friend and was about to say, “I have to pack at some point,” when talking about my upcoming trip. That changed into the more accurate, “If I start packing early, it will make for a much happier trip.” I feel like my sentences have become a bit prissy lately, but it’s worth it to become aware of how many choices I have every day and how they affect my mindset and the world that I create.

I have a little Post-it on my work computer that has the words “have to” in a circle, crossed out. I’m going to make more of these dorky signs for my bathroom mirror, fridge, bulletin boards, desk, etc.

It would be good for me to
I’m going to
I want to

as in

It would be good for me to go now so that I can get some sleep.
I’m going to get my blood drawn in the morning.
I want to get there by 9:30.

I use “have to” more often than I had realized. I’ve already slipped up a few times. I told someone that I have to put an order in, have to reply to an email, have to go to a party. That last one made me laugh. Oh, poor me, I have to go to a party that someone’s throwing for me. Talk about ingratitude!

This idea has been rambling around in my brain for awhile now. There are so few things that we “have to” do. We choose to do most things other than automatic bodily functions and pure instinctual reactions. Going to work, doing laundry, cleaning the house, meeting friends, buying Christmas presents, being a good person, getting groceries, etc. All of these are choices. Whenever I say that I have to do something, I am disallowing other options and acting as if I live in the harshest of dictatorships.

I get to go to work, which gives me the money so that I can pay my bills and rent, which allows me to have shelter and a refuge and electricity and heat and running water. I can buy groceries because I have enough money to do so and live in a place safe enough that something so simple doesn’t risk my life. I choose to clean my house and do laundry because I appreciate a cozy, tidy place and clean clothes. It’s not the phrase that I want to replace so much as the thoughtless assumptions behind it. I think putting myself on restriction for a month will make me more aware of how I create my life with my choices. Or just help me develop a charming little stammer.