reconnect

I have been using this goal to chronicle reconnection that I never knew would happen. I am standing outside of my body watching this happen. It is weird how this reconnection seems to be disconnecting me from myself. Sound weird?

I don’t understand it myself. I have utterly become someone that I haven’t seen in about ten years. That young girl who found herself so involved that she melted away from the rejection, disappointment, and failure of love. I stood there with my heart in my hand watching it as the poison of youthful infatuation slayed it until it was barely beating. I could barely pick up the peices of me from the floor, but God was there. He took my hand and guided me through it all. After that, I declared I would never be in that place again.

But it is amazing that here I stand looking at my reflection as if I am unacquainted with the face that stares back. She no longer acts like the self-possessed, hopeful, faithful, confident person from six months ago. She is sad, lame, and only a fragment of what she used to be. She is that girl sitting on the floor from long ago, waiting to end it, crying for a Savior, crying to feel love, crying to know acceptance and friendship.

I need to reconnect with me. I want the real me to please stand up…please?

My friend Andrew from St. Mary’s saved my life and now, for some reason, he doesn’t speak to me anymore. I want to figure out why and make things right.

60 days is a lot of time to spend away from the boy. How can they reconnect in this time? She is totally vulnerable…he is sure about what he wants. Friendship is eminent, but she is not so sure. She is praying for a chance to see him, and he is annoyed at her neediness to be around him. Yet he wants to be around her too.

What can happen? What will happen?

so the girl spent the day with the boy. she cannot say how much more she knows about him, and he cannot say how much more he knows about her. they are still in a complicated state of existence. but each conversation leaves the other with a sense of connecting. they are much more alike than the other even assumed, but they must be careful. how does one get to know a friend without moving into some other place of existence?

there must be a steady reality check of facts. she wants his friendship. he wants her friendship. this is all that is possible. this is all there will be. reconnecting can be complicated, but it is definitely worth it.

it is easier to have someone in the way. i kind of do it too… this way facing reality is not what happens. how does she reconnect with someone who is so busy?

This reconnecting thing is harder than it seems for them. There is never enough time to talk. There is never the right moment to talk. It is all very awkward as well as frustrating.

It seems that they want to know everything there is to know about the other, but there is a great divide. Are they really changed from the shy youths of yesterday? Should she trust him? Should he tell her everything? What will they both lose in the process of this reconnection? Can a real friendship ensue?

But there are always the moments when they do speak. They are magical, full of happy, curious conversation. What will happen when these two disconnect for sixty days? How will this whole reconnecting process work then?

This goal is secretive. Well, at least kinda. It must begin with a story…

Once upon a time there was a girl who saw a boy. They both were young and a little shy. They didn’t know each other, but this young girl noticed that he seemed out of place. This was not his usual place of comfort. She could tell that he was most nervous and afraid. He thought that no one would like the new kid. Every week he visited this unfamiliar place and she saw him, trying to muster the courage to speak to someone-anyone. This particular day was a special day-a day set aside for young people to show their talent. The young girl knew that when she was called she was sing, but on this particular day, this young new boy would sing.

As he stepped up to the microphone, there was complete silence, but when he sang his first note, she knew that he was gifted. He sang as she had never heard a young person sing before, and it was then that she made up her mind to say her first hello. The next week came and the young girl looked everywhere for him, but he was no where to be found. She realized that she missed her chance, and that this chance was gone forever…

The End?

Actually not the end…this young boy became a man and must now be reconnected with the young girl who is now a woman. Can they really become the friends that they were meant to be?

Much of this is from random writing that I want more manifested than in just microsoft word or a recycled notebook.

The ultra-condensed version: I am weary of life throwing me in loops. I want sincerity and romance, from people, life, existence, whatever. I want to sun to shine brighter, to warm up the earth more rapidly for spring/summer. .. I don’t want shit that is shit; I want starry midnights in all of my days. And I want that now. I just want life, Life, the Smashing Pumpkins and all good things. To love back and forth freely is, essentially, the key to total happiness

So, with the exception of the past 6-12 months, I thought for
a while, most of my “adult” life, that I was a misanthrope.
But I am not. I really like people, and I really like life.
Its almost like people and life dont want to be liked, or,
people dont, and life doesnt give a fuck. But I made these
friends here, many of whom have moved away in the recent past,
and I thought I could go on being social, and I am social now,
which is great, I guess, its good for my pessimistic
tendencies, keeps my happiness afloat in the turbulent nature
of life, but I am not a people person with just anyone. I
guess youre supposed to come to that realization when you are
like five, but I must have missed that day. But, for what it
is worth, I actually had friends, good friends, as in plural,
for a brief period in my life. It is warm, it was worthwhile.

As Maude would say “everyday, oh everyday Harold”

Once you connect, its hard to unplug, which, I think, is a very good thing.