realize that, when you get right down to it, it's just you

had a date tonight. was proud of myself for going out, and not just being a home body… but he likes me! ugh! and wants to see me again, soon…...
funny, but it makes me want to RUN! I am unavailable and clearly not ready. also, my attraction to him, is luke warm… ah well. I’m reminded that time to myself is golden, that was the lesson of the evening! Me, my macbook and itunes! Oh and a glass of wine!

he still is in me, in my thoughts, I still think of him everyday, I miss the good parts. this is the hardest letting go I’ve ever faced… I can and I will, let go and live my life, but right now, it’s still hard.

somehow in the past month I acquired a friend with benefits….. it makes me miss having a relationship…. there is still a part of me that wants to fast forward myself into a relationship…. I am observing, and reminding myself, I’m not ready…. very interesting.

there are the facts that point to the Non-Island Truths
as in
we aren’t islands
as much as we like to go there
and I changed my motto from being an undiscovered country
to being a discovered country
and
i do wish to remain a sovereign entity with many welcome stations and restaurants that can include the cousine of the “visitors”

and there is no way around it
it is you, and it’s your solidity combined with your honesty
sprinkled with truth and wrapped in truth
and then if you find another with similar parts
well, then the blending
can be about overlapping
overlapping let’s everyone be whole and then more too

is a girl’s best friend! I picked up a desk today, free, on the side of the road. One of the perks of driving a wagon, I can haul stuff… managed to get it in the apartment by myself. very liberating. Now, looks like I have created another painting project for myself, even though I swore that stuff off…think I’ll paint it black

wow, here I am. I knew it would happen. and I”m happy for him. but wow, the waves of nausea, the knot in my chest, the tears, that I am trying to hold back. Pain. So much pain. I can’t bear the thought of ever making my heart so tender again, it just feels crushed. I know this is survivable, happens to people all the time, case in point Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston…. I don’t have millions to help me wade through the aftermath though. I am lovable, I have a good heart, I am living as honestly as I know how, that’s all I can do, and somehow, this pain, maybe it will teach me something…
But oh, tonight, it’s as if the wound is so fresh, all over again.

she envy’s me, she reminds me that my life represents freedom. I can sleep when I want, wake when I want, travel, unravel, rant and rave, have mood swings that disturb no one other than myself, really truly, I have it pretty good. For all my wanting a family, it may come in it’s own time. Right now, I feel like this may be the golden hour, for just me. I want to let that sink in, and then do something about it. This time without distraction of “another”, is really all about me seeing that I am the one who will see myself to the end. Good times, bad times, I’m the only one who will be standing at my own side, and I feel good about that. I am in good company.

if you hang in there a while
things do happen

and when you do touch lip to lip
it’s nice to know
how special it can be
how
just you
it is

it’s not such terrifying landscape. rather i finally see this melancholy as passing weather. and didn’t i love the rain and cool dampness of Ireland? didn’t I love waking to howling winds and banging shutters? didn’t I love the experience of being wet and chilled to the bone and then ending the day in front of a peet fire? i think i can find an affection for my melancholy, and recognize it has it’s charm, as do the sunny days and blue sky.