work out what exactly is going on...

i fell in love with someone on this site. really, not just a crush, i fell hard and eventually i booked a ticket to meet him. this can happen, as other people on here have discovered.

then he vanished and i found out he had not only met someone else but within a short time was engaged to her.

i tortured myself over what i had done wrong to mess it up, questioned every word, every action, and finally started to move on, always wishing i had been different.

then, he came back. and begged to be allowed back into my heart and the feelings which had never been resolved were re-ignited. then he asked to come over here to see me and finally i agreed, booked my leave and started allowing myself to be excited. i knew the man had issues but the feelings were too strong to simply ignore and i wanted to meet him finally, after more than a year of ‘knowing’ him, and see if the fantasy could be made into reality.

the best thing was i had that second chance to be the way i wished i had been before, and i did everything how i wished i had done it.

a month before the big arrival day something happened to make me question his sincerity and honesty and i asked him about it, and from that day to this i have heard not a single word. i asked him via email (he did not answer the phone when i called) to just let me know if he was ok or still coming so i could know what to do about my leave and he did not reply.

i did go into this second time around with my eyes open, not blindly as i did last year. if i were a different sort of person i would post every beautiful letter and online conversation we had up here but what is the point? i am not a vengeful person, but i am sad, i was so lookin forward to just being in the same room and showing him this beautiful city and not living for hours online.

the only good thing is, i know that it isn;t about me, what i did right or wrong, who i am. i had the chance to find that out and for that i am grateful.

i wish him well and i hope he finds his happiness, and i hope i find mine.

just doesn’t go away

in the fall. I don’t need to worry about this right now.

just like last time he was off shore the emails have become increasingly frequent (3 a day minimum) and increasingly loving.

only now he knows my focus is somewhere else, with someone else. so it’s making him more desperate.

i am not looking forward to his visit in one way, i just don’t want hours of angst-filled conversations and analysis. but at least it can’t be as bad as last time.

my mind and my heart, dare i say it, are just elsewhere.

apparently my crimes as a girlfriend include:

1. wanting to have sex too often (i.e more than once a fortnight)
2. caring too much whether a relationship works or not

i’m clearly a terrible terrible person.

so shoot me.

and now we have to spend 3 days camping, with a small tent and a small boy who is so excited he can’t wait to go. while his parents would rather be having teeth pulled without anasthetic.

i made my decision re: The Ex

funny what it can be that finally brings you to the point of deciding something this huge. Totally not what i expected. The words that came out of my mouth seemed to be the words of someone else, or another me that i didn’t know existed.

you know when people say stuff like: as soon as i made decision X i just KNEW it was the right thing… i had such peace about it… etc etc

i don’t have that. i don’t have anything really.

and so tonigt i am going to a 29th dinner party – a glamorous and funky place with cool and lovely people.

Will I be going alone or as part of a couple?

What do you think I have decided?

er, wait.

No! i have no freakin’ clue!

_sigh

eeny meeny miney i-don’t-know-i-don’t-know-I DON’T KNOW!!!!

as if things weren’t complicated enough.

:(

_{and the worst thing is i’m smiling inbetween the frustration}

occsisional momentary pang.

but i have to admit, i’m missing the ex tonight in fact have been for large chunks of the day.

it’s a strange feeling and i don’t like it because i’m afraid i may have let my guard down too much if i’m feeling like this.

maybe it will go away soon.

the ex helped me with buying the laptop, then he and raph and i had pies on the beach (30 degrees C today) and took a long scenic drive home.

raph and i helped him pick out a gift for his daughter’s birthday tomorrow and i tried to trick raph into agreeing to have his ear pierced, then had to talk him out of it when he agreed enthusiastically!!

the ex invited me to join him and some friends at a live music outdoor thing, which i agreed to go to, this evening.

we’re getting on so well now the platonic thing is all in place.

_{then we raced back to his place for a quickie}

sigh

;)