It’s odd, I just lost my drive. There’ve been a few things that had me re-thinking my convictions on this.
First off, a few months ago I went to a meeting of a club for child-free people. I was really put off by how negatively some of them spoke of people who did decide to have children. I didn’t want kids myself, but I don’t hold it against people who make that choice for themselves. I just didn’t feel like I fit in, and quite honestly, I didn’t want to fit in.
More recently (and more significantly), I attended a gymnastics class. There was not an adult class, so I ended up in a Trampoline and Tumbling class with a bunch of kids.
I was anxious about it, because I have never felt comfortable with kids, but I really wanted to take the class. During that class, I started to realize that I was expecting to be teased by the kids. Here I am, a grown woman, afraid of being teased! This is a very very old fear, back from my childhood, and I believe the root of my aversion to children.
During that class, the kids were so nice to me. There was one little girl, Courtney, who “took care of me”. She had a very cute little speech impediment, couldn’t pronounce R’s very well. She waited in line with me at each exercise area and told me what to do. Their kindness really touched me, and I found myself nearly overcome with emotions at a few points during class. I had to focus on the tasks at hand to maintain composure.
I’m definitely going to keep going to the class. I think it’ll be good therapy for me.
In any case, I feel like I need to rethink this whole thing. I need to fix my childhood fears, not avoid them. I’m glad I was able to figure this out.