communicate how i feel [when it really matters.]

to tell you how i feel.

this is not good.
you tell me.
you have no problem coming right out and speaking your mind.

i [on the other hand] think a lot about things.
draw many conclusions.
make a pledge to talk to you.
wait.
lose my confidence.
say nothing.

this is an ongoing cycle.
since that night we talked, i haven’t said anything to you about what you said to me. i just realized that. i didn’t respond verbally at all. god, what the hell?

which is why i am frustrated. it makes perfect sense.

you’re fine cause you told me how you feel. right? you threw it all out in the open. and i sat there with a dumb smile on my face—like always—unable to make sense of what i was thinking. cause i’m afraid to say something that will upset you. and then what? you won’t like me? would that be a terrible thing? it would suck, yes. would it be the end of the world? no. not even close.

this matters. this situation matters. how i feel matters.

not good, gretch. not good.

i’m not huge on expressing how i feel in situations that don’t matter and that’s okay with me. i’m pretty passive with most things—sometimes to a point where it seems like i don’t care but i do. i would like to become comfortable with myself to the point that i can express how i feel and be more outspoken—because i realize i am the one who suffers when i do not.