Random Junk that is in my Brain...

It didn’t quite turn out the way I had hoped. That’s okay, I don’t need to believe in stupid things like that anyway.

I have so much on my mind these days. I have a great opportunity that seems to loom large and overwhelming atop of me. I had my painful past revisited on me yesterday. I think that was the worst. Just triggers of the bad times and that lack of consideration to how I feel.

I keep telling myself that the past is over and I won’t relive that. Have you ever got to a point where you were really letting your guard down, really trusting that your future would be different and then something triggers all those old feelings.

You thought you had been healed from every thing, there was nothing left to deal with and something comes, something small and seemingly insignificant to everyone else but to you it’s a trigger and again you are at the door afraid to open it.

I made a decision on Monday. One that will seem silly to most but was powerful for me. I made the decision to live. I decided that I was going to live and give the rest of my life a joy that I have never felt. Today that joy just feels crumpled under my feet.

Is it fear, nervousness, unrealistic expectations… Does anyone even understand where I am coming from. It feels like this hurt little girl is crying out and I can’t find her to make her feel safe and secure again.

I’ve never thought I was good enough, or what I had to offer {which is pretty much not a lot} was not good enough. I’ve been fighting that for so many years and I am quiet frankly… tired. Burnt out, just plain and simply burnt out. I’ve no more energy for fighting the demons and thoughts.

OH my that sounds dyer doesn’t it… I have a big appt today, that has me all riddled with fear and more fear. I guess I need that hug telling me every thing is going to be okay. Tarts got up early this morning to talk to me, she told me it was going to be okay and she had good feelings about it.

I just have so much on my mind. This opportunity, this appt, being disappointed in my thoughts and feelings over the trigger of my past. I am only human right. I hurt just like everyone else does. I am no superwoman, LOLOL I really am NO superwoman.

‘eh, who wants to hear bitching that is not even making sense. I am off to make me pretty for the day. If I can’t feel it, fake it… and make someone else happy in the process. See it’s not a total loss.

Light and Love.

I get to go driving in the rain. I just love the rain {well, not so much with my clothes on the line sopping wet} I love how it sounds and looks and feels on my skin.

I love that I have a long walk to my car and will be drenched by the time I get there. I love every thing about it.

I need this drive, I need this rain. Perfect timing.

It is now 2:05 and it’s 96. OH how lucky I am.

I sure wish I could put words to it, maybe even make it understandable.

shrugs, maybe I am just going through one of those internal changes. I’m not sure, or can it be a huge hormone surge.

I am not sad or lonely, I feel kind of in limbo with life. I have all these things in my head and part of me things I can, it’s your dream Seren.

Then most of the time, I feel I am just wasting my time and allowing me to fall more and more into a dark tunnel.

Sometimes it’s like I feel on the cusp of something big and wonderful, like I am going to dive off the most beautiful cliff. Other times it’s like I don’t have enough. That there is something missing in or about me.

I’ve often told others, I can do lots of things well but nothing wonderful, I lack that little thing that makes you just wonderful.

LOLOL I’m not talking about my personality. It is what it is… I’m talking more about talent, commitment, desire and NO…I’m not talking sexual or romantic desire or commitment.

I lack drive and motivation I think. Maybe that is what is creating the feeling of limbo. Sometimes, “Someday” seems so far away. Then ten minutes later it’s right there in my face and moving alone nicely.

It’s like two people are trying to live this one life and we can’t have that now can we. LMAO

I am so not making much sense. Sigh… It’s just, do I follow a pipe dream or get my head in gear and get back to what I know.

I will answer each of you a little later on.

You all I am not normally {although I do go through times I don’t feel so worthy} A NON positive person. It’s just things are so bad right now that I can’t even be honest and open about it. I have a couple sisters on this site who have been my sanity.

I am in a mess these days, it seems a never ending thing. I have no income and have not for a month now. I am not telling all the story huh. It’s just hard you guys. To see where I was and where I am right now. I know this is temporary.

I am just afraid of what temporary will cost me. My children do with out the fancy hoopla of most today’s modern children. It’s been almost a year since they’ve gone to the movies.

They are loved and loved well, and they really don’t ask for much. I have the best children {although they are demon angels}.

I have a decision to make about my disability case. If I continue on for this, we will struggle a little longer {although right now it’s worse than the normal struggle}
If I give the case up, I forfeit a year of struggle already. I know that my body is not capable of doing what it once did. It’s been a hard realization for me to come to.

If I get a full time job I forfeit my case, which is not even my concern…It’s that I am afraid I can’t do it. I am so afraid that my body just won’t be able to.

But when you are staring disconnections in the face, internet is the least of my concerns, you think that it’s okay if your body suffer so long as your children don’t. I am just worried.

I’ve put off some doctor appt, because I am afraid of what they will say. This coming from the strong girl who fought cancer… LOLOL I am a year over due, and I am worried about that.

I have things about my children that are huge concerns, I don’t feel that I have anything to offer a relationship, but drama and burden. I feel that my example of a self sufficient strong, independent woman, has been so tarnished and my children are seeing it first hand.

I am BEYOND thankful for those of you who are praying and holding me and my babies up.

Many Blessings on your lives.
Blessings of Peace and laughter, blessings of financial freedom, blessings of wisdom and understanding… clear direction.

I know this is temporary and I know that I will be brought through. I’m just concerned with how much this is going to cost my children. I don’t think they should lose anymore.

I am not asking for sympathy. I’m not whining or feeling sorry for myself. I know, that things come full circle and there will be a way opened for me. One I never conceived of or even thought of.

I know I will be blessed It’s the time between now and that sigh of relief that nearly drives you insane. Somewhere a door will open, and someday I will know clearly what I should do. What is the better long term solution.

What I am Certain of, It’s all you who are praying and holding me up and sending healing and positive energy. those of you who are meditation for me. It is because of you, that I am still trying. That I am feeling hopeful.
Thank you ALL.
Namaste

when it has been proven I was just not enough. NO amount of love I had, was enough.
I’ve been tired before and stressed beyond all stressing.

I somehow found it within me the desire, courage, gumption to keep going on. I have always had “one more try” left in me.

I’m afraid that now, I just don’t have it anymore. I’m to tired of struggling and fighting for nothing. I feel like all the dreams I allowed myself to dare dream are crashing around me.

I’ve been reading on cognitive therapy, trying to reshape how I think. Sometimes how I think and speak are diametrical and it cause problems. Each time it does, something in me dies.

I want to be a help and strength to others. Offer encouragement, OHhhhh, I feel as if I am falling short.
I’ve nothing left to give. What I have I fear is not enough or not of quality, substance.

I know that choice have lead me where I am, I know that choices will get me out or keep me bound.

As hard as I am trying to find a way out, I just don’t see it. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just looking at me through realistic eyes.

Wishing I had better to offer.

When the night terror wakes you, you heart full in his iron grip.

The face you love so much, looks at you with contempt and tells you, YOU are not enough.

When the dream is so strong that it feel worse than the reality.
What do you do when your sleep is consumed with fighting to find the one who makes you spirit dance. To only say, it was a mistake.

Every twist and turn, more people… more of your past. Crowding in on you, reminding you of your lack, you unworthiness.

What do you do, when the dream steals your reality and you wake with a face covered in tears, whimpering, moaning out loud. “Please, where are you” have you see them?

When the hurt fills your ever fiber and your mind can’t turn off that feeling of lost. Searching, running… among the throngs of people. Calling your name, asking every one. Where… Which way did they go?

Dare I sleep more. Do I find myself back in that place searching among the throngs of my past, my life that ended for one whom shines bright like a beacon for my soul.

Shoot that is stupid. Who cares, I’m off to take a long hot wonderful, make me stop hurting bath.

Sometimes all the stresses of life, beat you down.
Other times, it rains and it’s such a beautiful rain, that all you do is sit and close your eyes.

You just don’t want to miss the tiniest sound of the water, or the faintest smell.

I so Love the rain.

Chances are that within an hour it will stop and that will be it for another few months. But for now.
I think I’m going to step out side just for a little bit.

is on his way into this world.

Yessica and Drew have been at the hospital for only a couple hours.

Sometime to night, I’ll be a great aunt again.

I am way way behind on emails, comments, cheers. I still have over a hundred things unopened in my box.

I am going to just delete all that stuff, and try to answer the emails.

If there is something you know I’ve not answered and you want one. Please tell me. As hard as I try to catch me up, well, I am just really busy in the real world.

I’m kinda behind there too, so my hiney needs to get in gear.
There is just so much going on. I’m made or strong stuff right.

Just don’t take it as I am not interested, don’t care, don’t want to answer. Some people I had just started talking to. I’m sure they are gone now.

I’ll do my bestest to catch up and hopeful make some sort of sense.

Light and Love
Seren.