Post Random Ramblings

In AA meetings about this time, Thanksgiving, November, it’s Gratitude month. I’ve always liked this, it’s a nice dependable thing in this changing world. And it’s true. Gratitude for the goodness in my life.

Sobriety’s at the top of my list. I would not have any of the good things in my life (and probably my life itself) if I didn’t get sober back in December of 1994. The more time passes, the more I see it clearly. I see the ravages of people my age (and much younger too) who kept drinking. Many of them are unable to walk, or walk very far, for example. I love to walk and think of the miracle of it, my legs being strong and stable, heart pumping without problem, lungs breathing. So many little miracles make up this sober life.

I always start getting a little emotional this time of year, when my AA anniversary approaches. I’m tearing up even as I write this, and I am not one to cry much. We AAers call it PMS, for Pre Medallion Syndrome, in reference to the medallions we receive on our ‘date’. I just am in awe of the glory of it, really. All the work, faith, sweat, and darned perseverance I put into this thing, even when it just didn’t seem worth it, when so many reasons to drink or drug came up. It was a total transformation of the whiny, self-pitying, terrified little girl I was when I picked up my white chip. I’m glad I had no idea how much work, setbacks, and pain it would cause me to get to where I am today: I don’t know if I could have done this knowing that. Ignorance can be bliss.

So the steps of AA have showed me how to be the person I always wanted to be, but didn’t know how. Someone told me once that the worse thing about growing up in an abusive home is not the abuse. The worse thing is not being taught how to live. I agree. AA has given me the template to have a decent life. (It’s why I don’t blame my deceased parents for the abuse anymore: they weren’t given a template either.) I’m glad I can put a mirror in my face to see what I need to change, and that I can set boundaries today. That I can let decent people love me, and that I can love them back. That I don’t have to put any chemicals between me and Reality. That I have a relationship to a Higher Power. That I can be helpful to others.

So many things I am grateful for. What was a hereditary illness has turned out to be my greatest blessing.

I had a workshop today for my new job, but it was held at a different location than where I work daily. The location was down by my old job so I met the old gang for lunch. It was soooo nice seeing them and catching up a bit. I miss them all a lot, but I know I made the right decision. I’m so much happier at the new job. It’s sooo much less stressful.

They just mentioned a few new things that have happened since I left and wow…again I am so glad I made the decision to leave, even the difficulty I had and doubt that came and went the past month I was there; it was all worth it I love my new job and love the extra time I have and other benefits. Makes life in general less stressful! :-)

I also had the opportunity to run by and get a chai bubble that I love so much. I have not had one since I left there about a month and a half ago. It was sooooo yummmy.

Happy Friday to me.

“You are an extraordinary person. I am an extraordinary person. But the people who probably recognize these facts the least are, unfortunately, you and me. Give something else up, release some avoidance technique in your life, and use the space that appears in your life to get to know yourself. You won’t regret it—and it may be the most important change you ever make in your life.”
http://www.livinglifefully.com/

43 things is a safe, no spy-ware or malware site, according to both site checks now installed on my computer. One calls it ‘excellent’. How nice to know since I come check it out almost every day…

I started watching this great old movie last night (A Stolen Life) starring Bette Davis, filmed in 1946. The acting was amazing, the filming was actually amazing. She plays herself and a twin sister, and for 1946 I was impressed with the split screen filming.

There were a few quotes I really liked. One was simple and not original, but still it fit in the movie well “I don’t mind being alone, I just don’t like loneliness.” Another was something like “you have found your place in life, don’t ever lose that.”

I had to leave for class about 30 minutes before the ending. So I missed the end! I have to find this movie and watch it all. I was so caught up in it! I swear those old movies are like a mini vacation (to me at least).

Maybe it was the brisk morning, maybe it’s the chilly afternoon. Maybe it’s the numerous active dreams I’ve been having…I just feel a bit lonely, like I need to share some stories with someone or something like that, but can’t.

Maybe I need to email or call some old friends or mail a card or something. It’s like I have some things to do, but have misplaced the to do list.

Maybe it’s just the weather and I’m wanting to be all cozy, bake some bread, and catch up with family and friends.

I might get out with my camera this weekend and take advantage of the fall colors while they last! Maybe that will fill the void a bit! Maybe that’s it…maybe I just need some me time. :-)

Funny how sometimes you think you have it all figured out (speaking for myself that is)...it’s all settled…everything is flowing in the right direction then you’re reminded each day is an opportunity for growth and change (by good and bad means)...maybe life is still flowing, but it changes directions, obstacles are put in place to keep you alert…

I’m amazed that I can still be caught off guard. BUT I think knowing myself better (better now compared to 5 or so years ago) helps me steady myself and focus and decide what really is about me and what I can change (or at least work on) and what I have no control over at all and just need to allow it to be. So I guess with each surprise, each moment that catches me off guard is a learning process and allows me to be better prepared in the future…because there will always be moments that shock me and I guess that is a good thing…in a way.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Hubby Je’s mother, as some who have been kind enough to read my past ramblings on 43 things, committed suicide last Good Friday with a bullet through the ol’ brainstem. She did her hair, makeup, and bought a new outfit to meet Jesus.

We went to see his father after her death, and he showed us a copy of the suicide note (it never even mentioned her only child, my dear hubby, just her Great Pain and Jesus), then bragged about how he bought her the gun, and they almost did a double suicide. He actually just kept telling us about the caliber and price of the gun like it was the most normal thing in the world, such a good killing gun (and I have a gun for protection, bought when I was single and stalked, but bullet/brainstem thoughts do not pass my mind).

So he keeps telling this tale, and how sad he is, but never, in his crazy-ass sociopathic way bothers to think/ask about how this is affecting their son. Never. Not once. Bastard

So we help him around that sick house, organizing things for his move out, with the bullet hole in the bathroom ceiling, and his myriad bottles of morphine and oxys in the other bathroom. He’s preaching Jesus the whole time, pissed at his pagan son and daughter-in-law cause we’re not Christian (and a mightly fine ad you are too, dude). And I am so happy we never visited MIL for a long time, cause she was angry too at the pagan part of the family, suicidal, with a loaded .356 Magnum. Murder-suicide, see the headlines. Lovely. WWJD, pull the trigger? Kill the witches once more? Hmmm.

So anyway, he took off in his van, to travel the country, and commit suicide himself, he claimed. Like all these conversations are the most normal thing in the world. Hint dude: down the morphine. He just sent us an email about how he spent three days in another city looking for a shotgun to “blow off the top of his head”. (In his previous discourse, he stated that a shotgun is the suicide weapon of choice.) But, alas, he couldn’t find one. Then God came and chit-chatted with him and told him to visit his religious wacko fundamentalist friends in Texas and to celebrate his New Holy Day. What day is that? The first birthday of Je’s mother is the New Holy Day. So he sent us an invitation to join him and the wacko fundamentalist friends, because birthdays are so important. Except…

Oh, Je’s birthday just went by without a call, email, etc. It’s just the birthdays where dead people are important, not his living son who has been through hell. It’s all about him, this self-centered POS. I am so amazed that Je is so kind, thoughtful, well-balanced coming from parents like his.

So I am so pissed because Je was finally lifting from his depression over this. It’s getting towards Samhain, we have ashes and things to put in the fire, and the veils will be thin. Then the stupid email, and another threat of suicide.

So we can’t commit him, it’s not enough to hold him (and this is who he is, there is no healthy person to medicate into reality). I’ve Baker Acted people before, so I know. He would just get out in a few days. And he’s, IMHO, more sociopathic than crazy (he’s been diagnosed sociopathic). And he’s got guns and weirdness and anger and not one shred of compassion towards his pagan son and me.

That’s a freakin’ scary combo.

I want this man out of our lives. I am so over his selfishness, and the threat of violence. We changed our phone numbers, moved to another unit in the building, and hopefully will move again as soon as Je gets a better job or I graduate from school (tho Je says he once hired a PI to find him).

So that’s It. Damn.

finaly, you know it took 4 weeks for future shop to tell me didnt do anything, but they LOST my laptop in the store. Are you serious… any way after i call everyday for a week they finally STOPED ANSWERING MY CALLS!! So outraged I went to the store asked for it back , and it took them 2 hours to find , thier advice for next time was to CALL AHEAD!...

Well my sister and I have been trying to find costumes to where to the Renaissance festival this year, this will be the 10th year in a row that we have gone together. I’m a nerd I know. It’s a nice tradition for us though.

We have not had much luck in finding the exact costume we want. I don’t want a plain wench or too fancy…I already feel dorky, but kinda excited about it at the same time. lol

This photo is more of what I have in mind, but maybe this is too ‘princess’ like…I saw a black and red one like this one…I don’t know! I’m sure we will figure something out!