love myself no matter what size I am

I like that there are more bigger figured women in society and the media now. I enjoy seeing my body type out there and not feeling like we are (gasp!) the weakest link. It’s really a great thing.

I think I’m growing more comfortable with myself and seeing that I do not have to be a label to be happy. I am my own label. I just have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel low about sizes and such.

Love the body you’re in-(lol) don’t hate-appreciate!

im fat

it’s hard to do, especially for me. At this point in my life, it seems crazily impossible. When ever I meet someone who can completely love their body no matter what size they are, I’m in awe & also quite jealous. As much as I may WANT to lose weight, I need to get it into my head that weight is not the way to measure your love for yourself.

I decided to try on some of the jeans there that I thought were in my size. However tried that size and didn’t fit. Next size up didn’t fit but the second size up did. As I stared at my reflection in the mirror I felt like I was looking at a stranger.

I hated that stranger in the mirror.

When I was at school having lunch, the other teachers I usually eat with, who have been missing since our lunch table was taken hostage by the tasting festival came back into the lounge area. One of them actually said, not to feel left out, they want me to join in…etc etc.. So that was great. I felt a bit better after that. Then later, I did manage to get a walk over the South Beach Bridge with another teacher which was nice. We felt better after that. Which of course reinforces that I need to exercise every day and I’ll feel better…yeah duh.

I went to the Delta Kappa Psi meeting and did enjoy some of it. Once I got with the group I found I already knew a person or two. It’s really kind of weird to me that I’m a teacher and getting to see some of the old teachers when I was a student at some of these functions. Anyhow, it was a nice brunch and I got to spend some time without feeling rushed. I hope to go to the next meeting and see how that goes.

Found a bunch of books at library, on various ideas of improvement, fashion etc., for me to start taking in. My reading list is way long right now and hopefully I’ll make it through all this ok. So glad that tomorrow is Sunday and I can sleep in!!!!

I also got to talk some with my honey last night and that always helps. I miss him. I’m surviving though.

Things are going ok right now, it’s interesting to see a low day turn into a high one in a matter of a day or two. Very cool though.

At school, the group of teachers I usually eat with and talk with have disappeared to eat elsewhere while tables are gone. So I’ve been talking to a different set and just feel off kilter I guess. You know when you get that feeling someone might be talking about you and you walk up to them and they stop talking? I’ve had that a few times recently-between students and teachers. Maybe I’m just very sensitive right now. Blah.

I feel like I have so much to cover at school with Language Arts that I’m going a little crazy. I adjust what I’m doing when they tell us we need to cover something specifically and I feel like I’ve lost sight of what I was working towards with my students.

I feel like right now I’m pretty discombobulated and all over the place. I made dinner for everyone tonight and it didn’t get out till after 8pm! What the heck? I’m going to try to go to bed early tonight for me and get up early so I can make up my new test. I have to remember that Saturday morning is that Delta Psi meeting that I do want to check out….

Seems like so many things to do and so very very little time!

Of course, then I just feel blah.

I had found a joy in shopping for clothes before, but now that joy is gone. I don’t enjoy, because I seem to buy clothes that don’t compliment my figure or look bad on me. Quite often I just hate looking in the mirror because I feel like this stranger is staring back at me. However, I know it’s me, because of my red hair and my blue eyes. Everything else, though, I wish would fade away. If wishes were horses that beggers could ride…

Between trying to get at a better weight for my well-being and trying to figure out what to do as far as Wes goes..kind of just busts my emotions/feelings and moods wide open. Hopefully I’ll be able to resolve the Wes relationship before Christmas..maybe even Halloween (that’d be so much better!). I just swing between being afraid love isn’t real to that if I say no now, it’ll just pass me by for a really far too long time. Fate…swings in the balance like a knife slowly cutting away my layers of preservation and safeness.

I was good in the morning, I had my niece with me, who I must say could be a model, she’s thin, pretty…and has an atti-tude! Anyhow, things were going ok, until later when we picked up a friend of hers to go to dinner with us. I realize if you’ve been with one person all day you are happy to usually go with the other person even if that person you’ve hung out with all day is still there. These girls are pretty/gorgeous, I mean even I (who usually is oblivious to this) see the stares and guys taking another look. Note many of these guys are looking at jailbait..but that’s another discussion another time. I begin to feel..kind of like they don’t want me to be around them. I’m the odd duckling in that trio..but anyhow got over that as her friend started talking to me and not just talking to my niece. whew I was glad about that. So after dinner, we walked down on the jetty, which is a man made road along the inlet between the Indian River and the Atlantic Ocean. We get to the end, they start throwing rocks, so I walk down to the last bench and sit down. Then I look…down. My ankles are swollen and look like bruises where the lower leg and ankle meet, you know on the crease when you flex your foot around. Maybe that doesn’t seem scary to most, but I remember seeing my grandma with those and she wasn’t nearly as heavy as I am and she was in her 70s. Down I plummet and feel like crying.

I hate feeling like that.

Added to something that happened during the flea market and talking to a really interesting Australian woman about overseas, cultures and the lack it seems of intelligent life around our area((good people to talk to are very hard to find)). We’re all talking and she makes a comment about I should go walking everyday and I’ll see the weight melt away. I didn’t say anything about wanting to lose weight or anything of that like. She just said it. Then she apologized if she was being blunt or sticking her nose where she shouldn’t. I know she was only trying to be nice as we all seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company. Regardless, being singled out for it, hurt.

I wonder sometimes if I am too sensitive about some of this? Is it just a matter that is too close to home right now to really talk with other people about?

So today, I fully don’t love the size I am. I haven’t cried…but I might later on. I seem to think about it when I’m going to sleep. I swing between being happy with myself and then hating or being disgusted with myself.

made me realize I am a little happier at my current size. I’m not in the high 20s as far as sizes and if I can I’d like to get out of the 20s this year back into the 10s. I can’t believe sometimes that I used to wear a size 9. Would love to get back there. That takes a commitment I’m just not ready for currently. Soon though. I think. Don’t quote me on that…

This, I would say, is my most difficult challenge. At this point, I am not happy with my physical state. I have my good days, but they are followed by a whole bunch of poo-poo days. (pardon the expression) When you are carrying extra pounds, who wants to go out in public? Certainly not me. Still quite a ways away from achieving this goal.