make him love me forever

first he tells me that it’s normal for him to find other women atarctive, and yesterday that he doesn’t need me….

WHAT!!!??? I almost had an atack, but he spends hours telling me he loves me, loves me more than he has loved anyone before.. and i love him soo much, and just panic at the thouht of losing him..

am i a weirdo because: NO!:i’m not atrackted to anybody else but him?, and: YES!: i do need him???

i know he loves me, but sometimes it just seams he doesn’t love me enough, and he accuses me i’m being jealous and trying to change him…

what is going wrong? am i doing anything wrong? if so, what am i doing wrong?

I just don’t know what’s happening, it may be my hormones, but for two nights in a row when we go to bed and notice that’s he’s fallen asleep, i can’t help but start crying with selfpity thoughts in my head. it’s like he has NO idea what’s happening, but I can not beg for his attention, or is it the only way??
if it is, then this is just not working for me, i think he feels so good and happy and, how to put it, confident, that he is not giving me all the love that i need, maybe because I give him so much… too much?
it makes me sad, sad with myself, and mad with him, because i blame him for this situation and because he has no idea!! he is almost always one step beehind, he is almost always a little too late, and i’m sooooo stupid i keep on checking my email to see if he’s sent me something cute and romantic…but no.
so i feel fustrated, because i’ve been feeling like this for two weeks now, and I have my nerves all tense at the bottom of my tummy. And I know that the minute he asks me what’s wrong I’m going to start to cry, and THEN he’ll hold me, but then it’s like begging!! if this is what it’s like to be in a long term relationtip… then it’s not for me!!
(((( and i know that i’m PMSing and all emotional, but how can i control this feelings? )))

on monday i woke up crying in the middle of the night with the most horrible nightmare!! which put me on my nerves for the rest of the week…

tuesday we stayed out late and i barely slept!

our 1st aniversary on wednesday, and i was in one of my moods, he invited me to a special dinner, and i got there at 11.30pm on purpose, and he was all dressed up!! but then we had a weird conversation that kept me awake all night…

on thursday, he prepared a surprise bath for me.. sooo romantic, first good night sleep of the week… all the weirdness washed away…

on Friday i gave him a little present, he took photos and we stayed home, didn’t go out or anything

On saturday when I came out of the shower he had made breackfast: coffee, fresh orange juice, toast, tomato and olive oil, butter and jam.. all set on the table… sat. night we went to have a drink at the place we did the same day last year…

and on sunday, well, he made love to me for hours…

we talked and when i explained myself, at first he tried to make excuses for himself but after a while he got it and understood me, when he put himself in my shoes, he covered his face with his hands.. so many times.. in a gesture meaning what? blocking me away? covering himself because he was so ashamed?

he is so sorry for what he said and happened afterwards, begged me to forgive him again and again, told me i was very wrong if i thought he wasn’t in love with me… and he’s so much older tha me and mature and so he also told me i can’t keep on doing this, leaving without an explanation, i told him in the future i’d try to argue at the moment, but that he had to understand that i’d never put our relationship in jeopardy for something silly..

so of course of course i forgave him

i love him so much and i know he adores me…

when you’re in love your heart is so big and full of love

and yes, i still want to make him love forever

i can’t say we had a fight, because i left with out saying a word, friday night, i haven’t seen him since then, and he only called because it was my birthday sunday, guess he wouldn’t have called otherwise.. wich is really pathetic since we’ve been dating a year…
we’re meeting today to talk about what happened, wich is he made feel veryveryvery bad, and i’ll have to explain to him how he degradated me with his comment in front of a friend of mine, and that i left hoping to make him react and foolishly hoping for him to give any kind of romantic sign.. what a big mistake.
i don’t know what will happen after this conversation, i guess it’s in my hands to decide to belive him when he says he loves me.
because i do love him and i know he loves me back, but i do not feel apreciated. i guess i’m not the only woman to feel this way, but when i’m specting him to make me feel like queen, he makes me feel like garbage, and he doesn’t even do it on purpose.

i love him and need him, but i’m so disappointed, i’m at a point where i can forgive him or break up… let’s see how he explains himself, perhaps he ment something else?

today I can’t work, I can’t stop thinking about him.
we had a fight last night, I left him sitting there at restaurant without even touching my plate.

we were having dinner, and he started jocking and saying that if I hadn’t been able to spend weekends with him, he would have left me or been unfaithful, and I’m like WHAT!!??

so I ask him: so the reason you haven’t left me or been unfaithful is because I was always there?
his answer: yes
my reply: I would have liked to hear that it’s because you love me and don’t need anyone else. How sad.

so I got up crying and left the restaurant.

This was last night, it’s lunch time and I havn’t heard from him: no sms, chat, email, phone call.. nothing! but I can’t be the one to call!!

My heart went “CRACK” when he said that, and now I feel terribly sad and scared, because all he has to say is that he loves me and doesn’t need eanyone else, but… what if he’s to proud to call? what if he waits too long?

I’m already feeling that there’s no way this can be fixed, it’s like having my heart chipped and that crack can break it in half any minute, or be fixed, it’s in his hands.

Maybe all I have to do is forgive him, and not be so dramatic because nothing has ’’really’’ happened, it’s all hipothetical, I know he loves me, but he could still love me and be unfaithful, I know he’s done it before to previous girlfriends, so why not to me??

what is he thinking? I know he probably stayed there, everybody looking and all, and had his dinner, should I have left him a bill and payed for mine?? maybe he’s not even thinking at all, guys are like that..

i’m so scared and sad, but i’ll stay stupiddly strong and proud, no matter what, I can’t give in to something so serious, right?

I’ve been having weird thoughts lately… yesterday i went to bed crying again…and he has no idea…
i was not my usual self yesterday, though he didn’t ask if something was wrong, after walking without talking he was the one talking thru dinner
well, calling me si late cos he wants to see me, and i’ve been waiting all day for him to call.. all i can think is that he doesn’t die if he doesn’t see me.
but today he was very sweet in the chat and he sent me an email.. so cute
still i’m not confortable, something’s wrong, or missing, or i dunno, maybe it’s all in my head…