I feel so, so silly.

I’ve been having a difficult time for some days, feeling like even my increased walking wasn’t giving me the endorphins and serotonin I needed.
Today, I woke up, after a poor night’s sleep, no less, with a positive and grateful attitude. I was pleasantly assertive at work, an issue I had been struggling with prior to this, and felt good all day. I felt alive, awake, a spring in my step. I marveled at the change, so happy to be back to myself.

Then I realized- of course. I started my period.

When am I going to learn?
Every single month, I get a bit depressed and anxious. Every single month, even as I intellectually recognize that I am feeling this way because I am getting my period, I still get scared. Every single month, I worry that I’m getting (permanently) depressed and anxious, and every single month, I feel bad that I can’t just make myself be more positive and grateful like I usually try to be (which just compounds the unhappiness.)

Then, the very first day of my cycle, everything changes. I realize how ridiculous I’ve been. You’d think I’d figure it out by now, as it is always so clear after the fact, but it just feels so hopeless and permanent when it’s happening. I can’t reason myself out of it.

I have to give myself a break and stop feeling bad that I’m feeling bad. It’s okay. It goes away. I’ll start researching some things I can do to possibly alleviate things, but the reality is that I’m rather screwed up hormonally, and the main thing is to know that a) I will get through this, and b) feeling like it’s my fault for not being a more cheerful, resilient person isn’t going to help it at all.

It’s all about being kind to myself. 2 days ago

One day was skipped because I was in business meetings and traveling and had no time. The other day was because I had shoveled my driveway and walk, and then gone to the house of the elderly lady next door and shoveled her driveway and walk, so I was too tired to walk that day.

I was feeling a bit bad for a while about missing two days of walking, when I realized how absolutely silly I was being. Which is better- to help a neighbor or to reach an arbitrary number of miles? Really. 2 months ago

When I’m not actively thinking about this, I seem to have the tendency to backslide.

As I wrote morning pages recently, I was reflecting upon my poor use of time, when I realized I was writing very negatively about myself and ruminating on what I did wrong rather than on the equal amount of things I’ve done right. I went back over the last few weeks of morning pages and realized there was a lot of negative self-talk.

Now I am going to focus on building up my self-respect and self-compassion again. In these difficult times (being a working outside-the-home mom is stressing me out lately), I need to honor myself and build up my self-confidence more than ever. 4 months ago

Even though I’ve made a lot of progress on this goal, there are times when I realize I still have a lot of work to do on it.

When I’m sick is exactly one of those times.

I worry that what I’ve had to let slide is going to ruin me; that I’ll never be able to catch up. I know that isn’t rational, and yet, it plagues me.

What I have to do is calm myself down, nurture myself, and know that this, too, shall pass. I will be okay. I also have to be grateful that I haven’t been sick like this in a long time. Everything will be okay. I’ll get through this. 4 months ago

I am worthy, good, and should honor myself no matter how little got crossed off my to-do list today.

I’m having a hard time speaking kindly to myself today. I’m trying to counter it here. 5 months ago

I guess I can’t expect to have all the answers, and make all the right decisions.

I also can’t make everything better for my children, no matter how much I want to, and that is ultimately okay.

I don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent.

Keep telling myself this until I believe it. 8 months ago

I noticed last night that there was a year summary for each year I’ve been on 43things. I spent some time looking at the stats for each year (how many posts, how many goals accomplished, etc.), and then I started to read some of my first posts in February 2007.

Wow. I am humbled by how far I have come. I get frustrated sometimes because I don’t meet my goals in a timely manner, but now I can see I have met the most important ones, such as fighting fairly in my marriage, getting through the evil, evil, adoption process, getting Frogette to sleep through the night, and most importantly, learning to be kinder to myself.

I had so much empathy for that person who was me in 2007 and 2008, (I couldn’t stop reading!), struggling with frequent recurring violent nightmares and balancing motherhood and a new career in a new state, yet not giving myself the credit for the hard work I was doing.

It has truly been an eventful and ultimately excellent 5 and a half years, and I am so glad I got the chance to look back on the amazing progress I’ve made in those years.

What will I feel 5 and a half years from now as I look back on the posts I’m currently writing? I hope I feel even more awed at progress I continue to make. 9 months ago

Since moving back to my home state after many years in different parts of the country, this is the second time I’ve seen someone I knew as a child/teenager.

It was a reasonably pleasant meeting; after all, we were friendly back in junior high, and in fact (I had forgotten this because I haven’t been on facebook in a while) she had even friended me on facebook several years ago. No hard feelings or discomfort. Yet, apparently, there is still a lot of anger and shame about my junior high school experience, and long after this morning’s meeting, I’m feeling uncomfortable, even though this woman was very nice back then and now.

I was bullied rather cruelly from quite a few not so nice people 7th grade to 10th grade, and it has obviously had lasting impact on me. On top of some residual anger and shame from that miserable experience, I am feeling anger and shame at the fact that it has had a lasting impact on me. I feel like I should be over it by now.

I am very aware that if it were a friend of mine feeling this way, I would explain to her that she IS “over it”, leading a successful and happy life, but that it is completely natural for that kind of trauma to resurface under this kind of circumstance. So if I could say that with sincerity to a friend, I can say that with sincerity to myself.

I’ve made great strides at being kinder to myself. I’m much better at it than I used to be. It’s understandable that seeing someone from the past would bring up these feelings. It’s okay that I’m sometimes still sad about these bad experiences, as long as I remember that I didn’t deserve to be treated so badly, and that I am not worthless or ugly. I have to keep telling myself these things, and keep being kind to myself. 9 months ago

and how long the moments seem when your body is falling through space towards the floor.

I could feel myself falling down the steps, and my thoughts were not concern for my safety, but embarrassment at what I must look like, flying so ungracefully through the air in front of so many colleagues.

What! ? !

I can’t believe, upon reflection, that my primary concern was how I looked. That I was more embarrassed by my clumsiness than worried for my physical safety.

I am so disappointed in myself that the very first thing I said as I got to my feet was, “I’m sorry.”

What? ! ?

I really thought I was past this. Well, at least I’m deconstructing the whole thing now. It is ludicrous that my primary concern would be anything but my own physical well-being. 11 months ago

I feel bad because:
~Tadpole has been to the emergency room twice now in less than two years, maybe because I’m not adequately supervising her/taking care of her.
~I am very far behind on multiple projects at work, and I just found out that I messed up big time on yet another procedure. There is a form that I was supposed to have filled out quarterly, and I didn’t know it even existed.
~I (once again!) wasted time last night, and as a result, went to sleep too late.
~I’m still skipping too many days for exercise.

However! I know that a lot of this is me being ridiculously hard on myself. I know that for maximum emotional health, I need to counteract this. And thank goodness for 43things, because this is a wonderful place to do that.

So let’s take all these negative thoughts one at a time and talk kindly to myself about them:

The emergency room:
I am not the first parent to take their child to the emergency room. Not even to take their child there twice in less than two years. Accidents happen. All is well that ends well. I am worthy as a parent.
(Not sure I believe this yet, but I’ll keep telling myself it. They do say this can eventually change your brain chemistry, right?)

Work:
Nothing is irrevocably messed up yet by my being behind schedule, so I will endeavor to catch up and stop berating myself. This is my first year in this position. I can’t expect to be perfect. This isn’t brain surgery -no one will die because the form has not been filled out. Some people in AR will be pissed off. That’s not the end of the world. I am worthy as an employee. I deserve my position. I will continue to improve.

Time and sleep:
I will keep working towards better time management. I will respect myself and be kind to myself even if I do waste time once in a while. I will ask Frog to help me get to sleep on time. I don’t have to face everything alone.

Exercise:
I am looking at what I’m NOT doing, not at what I AM doing. Let’s turn that around. Even with my recent most frequent skipping, I’m still walking/jogging a mile and a half three times a week, and sometimes even four times a week. That’s not ideal, but it’s not nothing either. I will continue to improve, and skip less days while I increase my length and vigor of exercise.

I need to really work more on combating these negative thoughts and keep trying to lay new neural pathways in my brain based on positivity, self-acceptance, and self-kindness. 12 months ago

after I vented the negative through writing it down here, and then actively focused on the positive, followed by practicing gratitude.

It also helped that I was able to get a few things done in the morning, and call a friend in the afternoon.

Then, after work, I got kisses and hugs from the wee ones, and while things are NOT all forgiven with my spouse, we made a conscious effort to practice Shalom B’Bayit. (peace in the home).

I feel so supported by all of you dear readers. Your cheers and comments mean so much to me! 13 months ago

I’m feeling very discouraged. Partially because I’m fighting with Frog, partially because I feel like I’m not going forward with my goals or the life I want to lead.

I’m still wasting time on the computer and watching TV, my house is a disgrace, I haven’t written anything in a long time, and even my wonderful walking has been less frequent than it was.

I’m very angry at and disappointed in my husband, which leaves me off balance. I don’t even feel like I can complain about him to friends, which I just realized, and totally have to spend time figuring out. Hell, I even feel uncomfortable complaining about him online to strangers. Am I protecting him? Protecting my image as a happily married woman? Oh great. A whole new psychological conundrum to figure out. I’m procrastinating at work, which I’ll pay for later. I haven’t lost any weight. I still haven’t brought up the spring/summer clothing. Or gotten Tadpole’s court papers.

I’m also very aware that I am framing everything negatively, so I am going to try to record some of the positive things right now, even though it feels artificial and like a drop in a polluted bucket.

1. I did walk today.
2. I realized an important psychological pattern above. Working on it will make me a better, more whole person, and realizing it is the first step in working on it.
3. I exercised today.
4. I did laundry today.
5. I decluttered a bit in the bedroom, finding some books to donate to the library, and some clothes to give away.
6. I’m trying to focus on the positive right now- that’s positive.
7. I was very good with the kids this morning- patient and loving, despite my discouragement.
8. I’m going to go practice gratitude right now. 13 months ago

with my ability to re-frame my initially negative thoughts yesterday. I curbed my self-criticisms and focused on the positive.

I dare say I’m getting better at this! 13 months ago

Yesterday, Frog told me that he had eaten an entire box of Entemann’s cookies. He has recently lost over 20 pounds, and has been making healthy life choices, but yesterday was a hard day for him, and he stress ate.

He was nauseous and a bit embarrassed, but he wasn’t berating himself non-stop or extremely upset about it. I hugged him and reassured him that it was a temporary slipup, and gave him the support he needed.

This morning, I had an epiphany: imagine- just imagine- if I could treat myself like Frog treats himself. Not making a mountain out of a single misstep. Not beating himself up. Then I thought bigger: Imagine- just imagine- if I could treat myself like I treat him. With love, compassion, and support.

This is a step on the way to being kind to myself. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there. 18 months ago

How appropriate for the Hebrew New Year to start when fall starts. It’s the most important start for me- beginning the season of exquisite self-care.

Exercising
Sleeping
Writing
Light therapy
Ions!
Self-nurture
Being extremely kind to myself. 19 months ago

I have an appointment for my pap smear. I need to check how long it’s been since my last mammogram, and make an appointment for that as well. Then, off to CVS to get my flu shot! 21 months ago

I’ve been pulling double duty.

It’s hard to keep up, but I have to give myself credit for what I’ve been able to do, not put myself down for what I haven’t been able to accomplish. 22 months ago

As my work load increases, I need to counter that stress with exquisite self-care.

I’ve been better to myself these last few months then I’ve ever been, and I want to continue on this wonderful path. I have to believe that I’m worth it. 23 months ago

The antibiotics kicked in and I was much healthier, I had accomplished a great deal of work I needed to do, and I had done some personal writing for the first time in a while. So I was feeling happy and productive and looking forward to the weekend….

and then.

My ridiculous brain suddenly turned against me. “If I’m feeling happy, it must be because I’m ignoring all the things I still need to get done.” and “Enjoy this feeling now, because in a short while, something will definitely go wrong, and you’ll be unhappy again.”

I realized that in effect, I was punishing myself for feeling happy.

I’ve done this many times before, of course, but this time, I was able to recognize it and laugh at it for the ridiculousness it was. It’s just the part of me that is hell-bent on being unkind to myself. Call it my superego, call it my disapproving father, call it my personal demon, but it’s been trying to run the show for my entire life, and I am ready to end his reign of terror.

I had another epiphany of a sort just a few minutes ago when I was mulling over some ideas in an email to oye_vey, and I realized that if what was holding me back was a fear of rejection, screw that. I am way too good to let some pathetic fear of rejection keep me from my bliss. That fear of rejection is the same as the above. That negative voice inside is no longer in charge. There’s a new sheriff in town, comrades!

This feels exhilarating. I feel that I have very slowly, with great difficulty, climbed an inhospitable mountain, and now am standing at the next plateau, getting ready to take on the next challenge. I am ready to start supporting myself, not fighting myself.

Of course, the bulk of the climbing is still to be done. I had to stop myself from deleting the sentence after I wrote “I am way too good…” because it seemed so braggy. So there’s still much work to do. But I feel like I am making great progress in being kinder to myself. 23 months ago

It makes me crazy. Staying in bed is the opposite of what I need to do to be happy. I can’t exercise, I can’t interact with other people and have fun, I can’t get outside in nature, my sleep cycle is all messed up, the antibiotics make me feel odd, I have to ignore my children, and worse of all, I feel super guilty because I can’t get the things done that I want to get done, like work and cleaning the house and doing necessary chores.

I have to find a way to get a better attitude about illness. Yes, I’d ideally like to live a healthier lifestyle so I don’t get sick so much, but that doesn’t mean that it’s my fault if I get sick, or that being sick makes me a bad person.

Furthermore, I have to just tell myself that this too shall pass, that it is a momentary glitch in my life, and in a few days, I can go back to taking a proactive path to health and happiness. 23 months ago

After I “graded” my self on my goals, I felt a little weird. Does my “bad” report card reflect on my worth as a person? Of course not. But I have to be explicit about that, and take the time to purposely practice talking kindly to myself and loving myself, no matter what goals I reach or don’t reach.

The reach isn’t nearly as important as the stretch, after all.

I am amazing, just the way I am.
(Keep saying that until I believe it!) 2 years ago

the last sentence of my last post, I immediately thought, “What if I haven’t added any value to the org?”

Bullshit, rosewilder. That’s just you doubting yourself and not giving yourself the credit you deserve.

There’s definitely a great deal of anxiety involved in the work I do there. Thanks to S’s horrible communication skills and the state’s slow budget decisions, there is little clear direction, and no clear feedback that I get for what I do for them. That doesn’t mean that I’m doing anything wrong, it just is a different kind of work environment than I am used to.

I need to make a list of my accomplishments, no matter how small, and make sure to continue promoting myself amongst this org and others. I also need to trust myself and my work and believe that I am valuable and worthwhile to pay. 2 years ago

I realized that I can mark my goal to “live authentically and not conform” as done. Of course, it’s never fully done until I die, but I am truly making my own course in life and dancing to my own drummer.

Yay! 2 years ago