work in the field I love

I’m trying to get my cues from God and I’m surprised because I think He is opening the doors for me to keep going towards the direction I chose so many years ago, and He is pushing me fast; except now I have cleaned up my thoughts a bit. I want to go the same way but for different reasons. God is helping me move on and let go. Not easy though, but I fear He does want me to move.

Surprise

I was one of those people who KNEW what they wanted to do with their lives from an very early age (very young). How did I become so paralyzed. I was sooo determined. I was so focused… or was I? I overcame HUGE obstacles, I crossed over to the land of my “dreams”. I left ALL I knew to come to a foreign country. I changed my native language and now I speak another one. I hardly EVER see the faces of the ones that love me most in this world, my family. What have I done? Why did I do this? Why am I so stuck and petrified? After so much effort, after so many sacrifices, after so much… Have I lived a lie my whole life? Is this the better late than never part? Is this it? Is this as far as I go? I don’t have the answer, therefore most likely no one does, yet I keep hoping for approval, for someone to say: yes, this is your destiny. I’m too scared to ask God. I was convinced that this whole journey was his path for me. I overestimated myself. That is so hard to face. Did I aim too high? I’m starting to think that there is such a thing as too high. I’m failing. Why? Why did I do this? What is the truth? I’ m not even recognizing my face. I hope I can do something tomorrow. I’m so alone – the forever only child.

Well, now I’m really working – for someone else. Six days a week. So I’m changing the title on this goal from work, to work in the field I love, which is film. Ironically, I’ve only been there around 5 months and my boss told me he wanted to promote me. Yep.

He also said he knew this field was not my dream and that he wanted me to go for my dreams and didn’t want to stand in my way, but he also wanted me to stay.

I had to just look at him dumbfounded.

I need the money badly. I’m barely making it (which is not really making it at all). And I don’t spend money on anything fun. It all goes to my bills and health insurance. Six days a week and no $. Makes no sense. I don’t know what to do. I don’t buy anything, just food. I have no vices, no luxuries. Just medical bills and rent. So, do I take the job or what? Do I start all over again?

Still, I do consider this an accomplishment. I’ve gone from one extreme to another. Now I have to focus my efforts in the right direction – and overcome this fear/mental block.

Well, I got a job. A part time one. I’m working. I like that I have somewhere to go and that I’ll get a paycheck. Still, I know this is beneath what I should be doing. Even during the interview, my boss looked at me and said “You have these degrees, why are you here?” I told him: because I needed the money. I know that I have 2 degrees and training from a school that some would envy, but that’s one of my problems. I’m so afraid of competing with people trained in my same field because I feel they are ferocious and they will want to step all over me. feel like they will want me dead. People in my field are so competitive. I thought I was the best once, now I think that wouldn’t even matter because I’m not a cut throat person. I’m not a shark.

I’m so afraid and that fear is costing me TOO much. The odd thing is that I was over confident once upon a time. Now, I count the days I live and how many I have left (as if I knew), how many I’ve wasted, all the mistakes I make every day… It’s exhausting. I don’t live freely – and I’m not sure I want to. I do want to live up to my potential. Why am I like this?

Anyway, I got a job and that is good, even though is going sideways by getting a quick fix to my problems instead of running toward my goals.

I hate that I feel that I don’t work. I guess other people think that I do, but to me work is when you overextend yourself and feel exhausted at the end of the day. I don’t know why. I feel like if I don’t feel it in my body it means that I didn’t work hard enough. Still, I wish I could just work without getting exhausted and feel like I’ve accomplished my duty for the day. I really would like to be very disciplined. No matter if I work for myself or not, I know I procrastinate an awful lot. I don’t want to not work. I’m always doing stuff. It’s not like I’m lazy, but I would like to do the RIGHT stuff first.

I need to prioritize. It’s a hard thing for me to do – to prioritize the things I do in all aspects of my life. Maybe that should be one of my 43 goals. I need to take one out to fit this new one in. If I prioritize, and start working like I should, I know my life would improve greatly. How to do that, is the question. It seems like everything is important. Discipline! That’s what I need. Yep, there’s another goal right there. The even harder part is figuring out what really IS #1 – and then really working towards that.

This whole 43 goals project has helped. At least is making me think about all these things and just by doing that I am more active in the pursuit of accomplishing them. Let’s see how I keep improving. I believe I can change things. I believe I can :)