ask myself, "What am I afraid of?" and do it anyway

..and it’s hard to be sure how I feel these days. My new role at work has me hovering between euphoria and down right exhaustion. I have all sort of fear and worry at the back of my mind, but each morning when I wake up, I promise to give it my best. Wish me luck.. ;)

..is related to this nagging suspicion that I might never realize my full potential. It’s bad already that scientific evidence has shown that we under-utilize our brain power. Anyway, this fear or at least concern of mine was magnified today, during lunch, when a friend asked me where I see myself in X years time. I know, it sounded like an interview, but it kinda stumped me. Suddenly the chocolate icing on my cake seemed very interesting and I’d rather stare at its already melting properties than endure his inquiring gaze.

I used to know the answer to that question. Money never really appealed to me, though I love the idea of not having to work for money. That would be freeing indeed. But beyond earning a living, I yearn for an existence that matter, one that makes a difference.

I think I already do, to a certain extent. I’m not superhuman, but I do my best, in any given situation. But I’m also inclined, especially lately, to simply drift and stumble upon my next big gig, rather than pursue it all out. Am I getting lazy? Perhaps.. Complacent? I don’t discount that altogether. Truth is, my job is kinda cushy and if I’m never inclined to stretch myself ever again, I could pretty well coast along, like some people I know.

But it’s not in my genes. I don’t coast, nor do I cruise. I’m used to having things difficult, complex and in hundred shades of gray. While I yearn for simplicity, I also know that it doesn’t come until you analyze things from every angle and this habit is already deeply ingrained. I seriously don’t know how to take things easy. Sucker for pain, that’s how my closest friends call it.

So yeah, post-chocolate cake I am well-fed thanks to a lunch treat but this question looms over me like a dark cloud. Time for some heavy mulling..

..if I knew I couldn’t fail. If I could forget all that I “should” and focus on stuff that I “could”. If I could believe for just a minute that I can be everything I want to be. To be able to think freely and use my will to make it happen. The places I could see, the people I could meet. The sights, scents and stories.. what glorious, limitless possibilities. To stow away my roots for when I’m old and gray, and live in the here and now, to do things my way.

I am not as fearless as I’d like to be. Other’s expectations and reactions affect me too much. While I can be ballsy enough to get things done, inside I’m just as insecure as the rest of us.