stop being afraid

I have been avoiding the elevators. I have anxiety over my Dad’s heart attack. I am at peace, knowing that God is in control, but I do feel some anxiety. I have been taking the stairs up/down to the 5th floor. I just do not want to add to the anxiety I am feeling. I want to keep the peace that I have. There could be worse things than avoiding elevators!

on the phone when I called one of my close friends! I don’t cry in front of people! Or used to not! I could write under this goal, or the take risks goal, or the let God transform me goal…it’s a success for all three goals!

We will take my son up to college on the 22nd of this month. Summer is about over, and I start back to work on Friday…the day he leaves isn’t too far off! Today, it was really laying heavy on me! I was feeling very sad! I decided to reach out to my very good friend, who would be safe to talk to about my feelings and would understand! As I was talking to her, I started crying…I didn’t try to stop it, or hide it…I cried! Walls that I have had up for so long are coming down!

I want my son to go to college! I want him to be able to spread his wings and have his life! I will work through the adjustment! I will probably work through it easier than I did with my daughter…when she went to college, I didn’t share my feelings, and I definitely didn’t cry in front of anyone except my husband! I have the gift of friends that God has given me, and I will let them help me through this transition!

This entry could go under my #1 goal of letting God transform me, but I am writing in under “Stop being afraid”.

I went to a workshop last week, and we had to do an activity called “The Hall of Trust”...

You pair up…one of the partners closes their eyes, the other encourages and gives directions on getting down the hallway to the cafeteria.

I don’t like things like this! I have trust and control issues! I am trying to work on not being afraid, so I participated. I was the one to close my eyes. I got paired up with a very nice lady, but I couldn’t trust her any more than just a bit. I wanted to! I wanted to please her by going faster, but I couldn’t!

I took bitty steps, she said, “You will need to take bigger steps, or it will take you forever to get to the cafeteria.”
I thought, “Oh my gosh!” I thought we were just doing it down the hall a little ways…I was nervous, but up for the challenge!

I took a little bit bigger steps. I asked her to have me move to the side so I could touch the walls. I could do so much better touching the walls.

I didn’t hear voices or footsteps any more, so I knew we were in the hallway alone…it was taking me a long time! I kept my eyes closed because I wanted, I needed, to do this!

I don’t know how long it took, but she got my to the cafeteria, and when I opened my eyes, all the others were there in a semi-circle, and clapped for me. I don’t like being the center of attention like that, so I was way over my comfort zone even more now!

I was very overwhelmed! It brought up a lot of old issues I have from childhood! I tried hard not to cry, and to have my facial muscles relax so that no one would notice I was about to cry.

I kept myself composed, but on the way home I cried! I got it out! I didn’t look at myself as a victim, I looked at this as an opportunity that God was giving me to heal some hurts, so that I could move on!

I came home and journaled, read, prayed, and did some thinking…ready to face and work on some things I stuffed down!

I am so glad that the leaders let me finish this task! I know it took me a while, and they all had to wait around…but it gave me a success!

God is healing me!

shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.
Anais Nin

I want my life to expand! Another quote that goes with this is…DO IT AFRAID!

16.06.09 it is getting way better. i just shut those annoying thoughts out, and now it actually works. i “fall out” of the stable state once in a while though, but getting back to it feels more and more natural and very pleasant, too.

My Fears Are Kind Of Hard For Me To Get Over Because I Am Soo Sacred To Do Stuff And I am Sort Of Shy.
I Am Only Shy Around People I Don’t Know Or People who I Am Soo Uncomfortable Around That I Cannot Think Straight I am
Only Loud Around My Family And Friends But when I Have To
Speak Infront Of a Lot Of People I Just Get Scared Soo I Want To Get Rid Of That Hahah

Fear immobilizes. I want to be mobile. I want freedom. I need to stop being afraid of things. Everything. Anything. Whether it’s fear of spiders or fear of change. I will stop being afraid. I will face my fear head on. And if I can’t conquer it completely I will at least be satisfied that I tried and it didn’t kill me. And if it does kill me…then I guess there won’t be anything left to be afraid of anyways ;)
I will not let fear hold me back or stop me from living my life. This ends now.

I am sick of being afraid of everything. It is no way to live.

Change, it is inevitable, but the most nerve-wrecking thing in the world. Being afraid of it is being afraid of life itself because that is what life is, passing moments of change. Every single thing changes. I’m starting to think i might be a control freak. I avoid situations in which i cannot have an easy escape when my anxiety gets the worst of me. I really hate it. I had so many dreams and ambitions, this is not where i thought i would be at this point of time. I haven’t accomplished anything and have been sitting in this exact place for the last 3 years. It’s like im in this crazy loop hole and when i finally get the courage and do something about it, within a few days, the fear creeps back up. nags me and makes me feel hopeless again. Its like living up to that old saying “you can’t miss what you never had”, fearing that the day i will get it, ill soon lose it only to be in an even worse predicament of grievance and misery. I know it sounds insane but hell, its how i feel at the moment. I have to stop being afraid of such ridiculous things because deep down i know this isnt the path i choose for myself and giving so much energy to such negative thinking is merely a waste of life.

To me this goal is similar to controlling my own happiness. Right now I am just trying to be patient and believe. I have to believe that things will get better.

With illnesses, death, heartbreak, disappointment, and loss I have found myself praying more and trying to believe that there is a reason, a bigger plan that I am not aware of, for all of this to happen. I have found myself becoming more spiritual, if not religious, and philosophical about things. Not that I am immune to falling into my periods of “depths of despair and momentary lapses of hysteria” but I am trying to be more positive. No easy feat.