Treat myself like my best friend.

...I love but it’s just not going anywhere for me on 43T. Though I wouldn’t call it giving up exactly. If I can think of a way to bring you back, I will.

‘Don’t cling to anything and don’t reject anything. Let come what comes, and accommodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too. Look on all of it as equal, and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don’t fight with what you experience, just observe it all mindfully.’

The person I am choosing to be from this day on is someone who is happy, great to be around, warm-hearted and fully accepting her own personality.

The qualities I most want to emphasize and enjoy in myself are:

• being straightforward
• having a good sense of humor
• being great to be around
• being loving
• being determined
  and
• being able to enjoy myself and celebrate successes.

I am now ready to give life to this new image of myself, from this day forth. I commit to reinforcing these qualities until they are a deeply ingrained part of who I am and who I am seen to be.

Along with the decision to start homeschooling, this is most likely one of the best things I’ve ever done! Joining homeschooling taught me to not be lonely and now I love being home alone, listening to music and rocking out all by myself! I have learned to love myself and it feels absolutely wonderful and thrilling!

I would love it if somebody else came and took the job. I would really enjoy having a best friend.

And I will continue to do this. I was not one of those people who were blessed with handfuls of friends growing up let alone one really good friend. My self-esteem issues prevailed and i had a dificult time maintaining friendships. My feeling that I didn’t deserve love or friendship held on for a long time. It continued with a lack of trust. I can’t say that I am over those items. I make friends easier and I trust a little easier but I am my best friend right now. I will continue to be my best frined until somebody else comes and fills those shoes.

I have been talking with two guys. I ont’ know where things are going with either one of them. I don’t believe that either one of them is the love of my life but they both offer something that would help me grow as a person. They both wanted to spend time with me yesterday, either in person or on the phone. I didn’t want to hang out with either one of them. I wanted to visit with my oldest daughter. I treated myself like my best freind becasuse I did what my heart told me to do. We had pizza and beer at Marcos and caught up with each other. I drove her home and then I was feeling the pressure to call oboth of these guys last night. I decided that I was going to do what I wanted to do instead. I went to the gym. (Yes, after pizza and beer, I went to the gym, weird.) and worked out for an hour and a half. I took a long hot shower and came home and fell asleep. I have had some trouble sleeping the last few days so I was very happy. I was tuckered out, relaxed and happy. Not a bad way to fall asleep. I couldn’t have been a better friend to myself.

I have often thought, as heartless as this might sound, that you should not use things that happened to you during your childhood as a crutch later on in life. Things happen that are beyond your control as a child but to live a sane life, you need accept it, “work through it” and move on. Very few people live a perfect life and what happens along the way shapes and molds us into who we are.

Here is where I am a hypocrite. I blame the selfishness of one husband and the lying and cheating of the second husband for my inability to trust. I blame the hurt I felt from them for my inability to love and trust again. I blame the teasing that my brother inflicted on me for so many years for my insecurities about my body. I look at the dysfunctional family atmosphere of an alcoholics home for my inablity to trust my own feelings and intuitions. I can point fingers at this and that, I am like this because of such and such, and as much as I try to learn and change, I have somewhere to lay the blame. Where does todays accontability come into play.

I have been angry a lot lately as I think back about my past, expecially concerning my two marriages. I am blaming and pointing fingers in my head, looking for somebody to take some responsibility for thier share of the failure. I realized yesterday that maybe I haven’t taken enough responsibility. I let somebody control and manipulate me, I had a choice in that. I let somebody emotionally and verbally abuse me, I had a choice in that as well. Maybe I didn’t have the confidence and self-esteem to fight while it was happening and I do need to forgive myself for that. But I can not use what happened to me back then as an excuse for my fear to trust and love again now. Pointing a finger and blaming will not erase past events or eliminate my current fear.

My best friend would tell me to let it all go. It is the past. Although past behavior often predicts future behavior, you are different. You have more confidence and self-esteem and you would not allow those same things to happen to you again. You are smarter and wiser. Stop the blame game because it is not adding any happiness in your life. Letting yourself love and trust again will add something to your life. You may run the risk of getting hurt but there is no great accomplishment without great risk. Time to let go of the anger towards the ex’s and yourself, let the forgiveness ease your pain and move on. It is time for happiness again.

your best friend would have said, “take your own car so you can leave if you want.” She also would have said “keep your mouth shut until you know for sure.” But most importatn of all she would say, “forgive yourself, you are human and allowed to make mistakes.” She would also say, “but now don’t be stupid and let it drag out, nip it in the bud no matter how uncomfortable.”

I know that I have mentioned that I am going to give up my 28 yr old tall dark and handsome but I don’t know if I really want to. It is a constant battle in my head. Unfortunately it is not really a moral one, although it probably should be. Frankly I am really just looking at it through my own selfish eyes. Asking myself is it worth it? Is it gratifying enough for all the work I have to do? Is the exciting clandestine rendez-vous going to turn into an annoying inconvenience? Is the lack of emotional connection going to slip and turn into something more than it should? I have a lot of answers to these questions, already thought of them all. Even after I make my decision to stop seeing this guy, and then I see him in person, his voice will melt me, his touch will spark a fire within me, his kiss evaporates my will and I can’t say no.

so is it pleasing or punishing? sounds like both. What is best for me? Even I, as my best friend, can’t seem to answer this question.