Go on a mission trip to Panama

No I really was ready, headed for Panama anyday now, but I got a call asking me if I’d be willing to go to Peru instead. I was a bit confused, torn… I felt like I heard from God with the whole Panama thing so why even consider this Peru thing- on the other hand I didn’t think that God would bring me to something or bring me an opportunity like this for no reason. So confused… so I was feeling a yes, but everytime I’d think yes I’d come up with a reason to stick to my original plan. I didn’t know if that was b/c I shouldn’t go or if that was my flesh trying to keep me from something awesome. I’ve always said “when God tells you something don’t take a poll, just do it,” but I felt the need to ask some folk for advice. I don’t know why- I just did- so, long story short, I’m going to Peru!

Even after I’d accepted the offer there was this conflict in my mind about how I could have truly believed I was God-lead in going to Panama, but then feel like it is Him who’s calling me to Peru. After I waded through te confusion i saw the lesson. God sometimes has to give us one piece at a time; we can’t always handle the big picture. He needs us to operate and act like we’re headed one way so that He can get us where we need to be- I’m not doing a very good job of expressing it, but whatevs. Like I used to wonder why God would give people a vision for their lives and then they die before the vision is realized. It’s because He needs them to live a certain way with that goal in mind to… yeah pretty crappy explaination job so I’m just gonna stop, but trust me it all makes sense in here pointing to my head Anyway, I think God needed me to think, act and feel like I needed to be in Panama this summer so that He could confront me with this and see if I will really go wherever He tells me, whenever He tells me. If I’d’ve known I’d end up in Peru from the beginning that would’ve been it- there’s no lesson in that, but He trusts me enough to know that I am insane enough to yield my will, my plans and my life to His will, His plans for me, to come completely under His authority and to be a true follower- a disciple. I dunno, I’m excited. And I’ll stil get to Panama one day, just not this summer.

I’m just really excited. I’m like laid back excited; I’m cool, but underneath I’m like goofy excited just looking forward to wht God is going to do. I have been trying to hardcore pray for the nationals already and everything and preparing. I have not been as deliberate as I would like to be with my QT which is disappointing, but I’m not gonna sulk; I’m just going to press on making improvements as I go. Too often I let my shortcomings sidetrack me. I get disappointed in myself and waste even more time wallowing around being disappointed in myself as if it shows God how sorry I am – no what shows my regret is getting back up and deliberately doing it right. God isn’t pleased because I wallow in guilt; that just wastes more time that I could be doing something productive.

I’ve been using the word deliberate a lot lately. I think it’s because I did merch for Phil Joel at Battlecry and his new ministry is called DeliberatePeople. It really made sense to me without any explaination; I got it- Deliberate. I am deliberately carving out time, space, energy to devote to seeking the face of God; I am taking purposeful and meaningful steps toward holiness. I realize I can’t just sorta float along and wind up at the throne; I have to press my way on purpose, through obstacles, disappointments ups and downs- I have to be deliberate about my pursuit.

there is like not even a month left until i leave for the experience of my lifetime; yeah i decided that’s what it’s gonna be—the experience of my lifetime. i’m almost too excited; it’s almost unbelievable. i’m just looking forward with expectancy to what God is going to do. i expect signs and wonders; miracles… i don’t even know; i can’t even imagine. it’s ridic…

...got my acceptance package. I’m trying not to sell anything this year; that’ll be interesting. I just am not feeling led to hustle it up. I feel people should and will sow into the ministry. A lot of people may think that’s kinda ballsy, for lack of a better term, but I really don’t see it as begging people for their money. I see it as giving people an opportunity to be a part of fulfilling an obligation. The great commission is not a suggestion; it’s an obligation and EVERY Christian has the duty to take part in it’s fulfillment. I am still finding myself a little worried about it though. Even though I know I shouldn’t be. Every year I worry and every year He works it out. When will I learn?

...friggin’ excited! I thought it was odd that I’dn’t heard back from GE so I called and my app had been lost [bummer], but I was able to fill out a new app over the phone again. I seriously can’t wait. This semester can’t go by quick enough. I’ve always wanted to go to Panama and Peru. Peru’ll haveta wait ‘cuz GE summer missions ‘07 is all about Panama [and Mexico:Baja]. It’s abnormal how excited I am. I just know God is gonna blow my mind in new and exciting ways; whew… can’t friggin’ wait