saraband14 is noisier again now :D
... I thought I’d write up my thoughts thus far.
I have written my morning pages every day. I have no problem with it and would resent not having the opportunity. (It will be interesting next week when I’m away for a few days and that opportunity may become less accessible.) There have been days this week when I’ve felt the exercise held no particular benefit; I’ve simply had nothing to say or work out. On the other hand there have been days when it’s helped me work through some thoughts: by the end of some entries I’ve felt really strong and confident :) At the moment, that feeling dissipates quickly but it’s a positive start. I’ve used affirmations and worked with blurts. I feel as if I want to continue with that for weeks; I don’t feel anywhere near done with it. But I’m assuming it will be revisited and that each week builds on what has gone before.
I tackled two of the tasks and may get another done today. I opted for the Hall of Champions because it was the task that leapt out at me waving a huge “Pick Me!”. I wrote reams and tried to post it on the blog but couldn’t make it work. Perhaps that was just as well ;) I was surprised that my overall response to the task was one of sadness. Writing about champions ought to have made me feel good and powerful yet what I experienced was a sense of loss. Loss of opportunity perhaps?
The task that stood firm with a flat: “No Way” was Imaginary Lives. As I read the beginning of it: list 5 lives you would have liked to have lived, I was really enthusiastic. Then I read: “pick one and live it” and I immediately thought: NOPE! I had a LOT of resistance to that one and as Julia advises trying those that we most resist I gave it a go. I had no problem thinking of 5 other lives but I’ve done nothing towards ‘living’ one. Obviously this is a not a literal directive; the idea is to have fun doing something connected with an item on the list that you would maybe have done in that other life. One of the other lives I listed was to be a dancer. I could have danced therefore: I could have booked for a dance class, or just danced to music by myself in private. But it was never going to happen and I’m not going to force it. I’m reasonably confident it’s all connected to my innate reserve and inhibition: one of the stories attached to a champion in the first task centred on my long held desire to be able to join in and dance.
I’m sure it’s also connected to the fact that sometimes I’m not quite sure that my body belongs to me: I don’t always feel an affinity with it – especially when it’s moving about!! :D It’s hard to describe – I just don’t have a connection with it: it doesn’t feel like I am dancing/running/whatever; it’s someone/something else entirely. The actual “me” is most discomfited by all the inconvenience and disturbance! On the other hand, I love to watch dancers – I love the way their bodies move with such fluidity and grace. And I’m not envious of them; I’m more than happy just to marvel :)
Anyway – not much movement on that task but I’m recording it because this is only the beginning and perhaps I may have changed dramatically by the end of the journey!
I also took myself on a walk. Like morning pages, this is easy because I do it already and love doing it. When I walk I spend the time drinking in the sights and sounds around me. It’s a wonderful time: a feast for the senses; energising and liberating. It makes me feel alive! So actually I had two or three walks but for reasons best known to myself I designated yesterday’s as my “artist’s walk!“
Also yesterday I had my artist’s date. This had been a slight worry initially: all the usual objections coming up to explain why I couldn’t fulfil this part of the contract! But ideas came and I started feeling more confident about it. I settled on something very easy, the thought of which made me feel I was copping out slightly. I decided to watch a DVD.
It was a film I’d wanted to see and knew would be visually appealing. I also knew B would have no interest in it. I told him I was planning to watch by myself and settled down in anticipation. I’d made up my mind to watch differently; to watch with my artist-brain. I love films. But as with most things in life I skate across the surface; I focus on the big picture, the overall impression, the feel, the atmosphere. This time I planned that it was going to be different.
And it was. For many people – who are naturally observant and aware of the minutiae of life – this may seem astonishing. I’ve never watched a film in this way before. i tried to drink in everything. I noticed the textures and patterns and colours of the clothes. I noted the placements of objects in the scenes and the changes in camera shot and camera position. I marvelled at a shot in which a man looked through a window at the people outside, all of whom – except the heroine (of course) – were out of focus because of a raindrop on the pane of glass… I saw metaphors and symbolism and made connections and all the while I absolutely loved the story.
Throughout the film I was both completely involved and completely alert. When I read I can be lost in the book – unaware of the world around me. Watching this film I was entirely aware of me, myself watching the film and yet I was also a part of it. It was a wonderful and rewarding experience and I’m planning to do it every week – though not as the same artist’s date each week;)
This probably makes me sound a complete fool. I am an intuitive person and well-versed in detecting what’s unsaid and reading between the lines. I thrive on atmospheres and subtlety. But I’ve always eschewed tangible, concrete, visual detail. I’ve focused on the abstract: proclaiming that to focus on the little things would detract from the overall experience. How wrong I was! I now feel as if visually at least my artist-brain has been sleeping pretty much my entire life.
Choosing to watch the film at the end of the week was co-incidental but it perfectly highlighted what I’d been beginning to realise as the week had progressed: that there is a whole side of me that’s been lying dormant or has been incredibly lazy – or perhaps both! It’s such an exciting prospect to think about what discoveries there may be to come :)
A little story to close with – another ‘awakening’ :)
I made soup earlier today. I often make soup. This soup was a frugal recipe I’d come across a while ago that makes use of cauliflower leaves. So instead of throwing the leaves away the other day, I’d kept them for this soup. I checked for th recipe online. I find lots of recipes online. Normally I print them out and add them to my cook’s file if they’re deemed a success. This time I read the recipe through and thought, “I don’t need to print that out; I can put that together.” And I went ahead with chopping and adding various things to the pot and enjoying the colours and how fresh it looked and so on. I added a little garlic – the recipe had called for garlic. And then I decided to add lemon grass – definitely NOT mentioned. And I did it with intent and confidence. I thought, “lemon grass will work wonderfully with this,” and in it went without a care.
Only then did I realise I’d added that ingredient with great confidence; there was no dithering, no “I wonder if I should…” Again – a silly thing to all you creative cooks out there but I’ve just never thought of myself as creative cook before. Of course I deviate from recipes slightly but to add something as different as lemon grass is a whole new departure for me. And it made me think “I am a creative cook!” Woo hoo! :D
