learn to love myself

So VERY far away from this goal right now….
... right now I’m closer to real hardcore dislike or disgust towards myself…

it’s easier right now to list the things i DONT love about myself than the things I do or did…

Damn it I’m still so broken.

Today I did a little shopping for myself. I bought a sexy bra/underwear set, pajamas from Victoria Secret, a lip gloss, lip plumper, and new salon shampoo/conditioner. I dyed my hair blonde this past week, I’ve started tanning, and I’m working on whitening my teeth.

For the longest time I’ve been unhappy because of my weight and keep telling myself “when I lose weight I’ll do this and that..” but why should I wait? I should enjoy now and do things that make me happy & feel good about myself. Now I don’t necessarily think “things” will make me love myself, but pampering myself a bit does help with this goal because I feel like I’m worth it when I do these things.

It’s not a major breakthrough, but it’s a start.

Its almost like now I dont have him loving me, I cant love me….

I dont want my love of mysef to be tied to someone else but I cant let him go… and he doesnt want me… so however rationally I know it’s wrong, I have nothing to care about me for.

I know thats dismissive of friends and family that care about me, but somehow none of that matters because he doesnt want me in his life.

Not doing too well with this today… everything is seeming like an uphill struggle. I am ‘faking it’ til I make it but my energy runs out by the end of the day…

I have really been neglecting this goal, or fighting it, for the last week or so. Although I said I was ready to almost cross this off, and I still think I am, my default setting is NOT loving myself. So when I get scared or hurt or rejected or down, my default kicks in and says whats the point of loving yourself….. no one else does. This default doenst win that often now-a-days but I think the final stealing of hope that were there the texts fro D pushed me over the edge. And I felt what was the point.

But I KNOW thats not true. And I know I just needed to allow myself to feel that way for a while, like my lovely friend LGS said. But it is time I stopped the pity party and wallowing in my own ‘woe is me’. I feel uncomfortable with the concept of loving myself ( but that is a whole new issue!) but I’m going to try to anyway.

I need to kick my own ass and move on to at least TRYING to love myself. I tried everything to get on and move on from D. Not 100% there but am better than when we first split in March. So I will try to love myself more. I think as I said in a previous post I need to be kinder to myself, look after myself and the 1st thing that has to change is my eating…right now I have gained so much, not caring what I do to my body and again that is not right on SO many levels.

So I am just stating it here, that I’m going to try acting like I love myself or care about myself until hopefully it becomes a reality. I know getting back on track with my eating will help….but also a few other things. Things I need to be held accountable for in the loving and caring for myself mission>

Eating well
Exercising
Going to bed at a reasonable time
Keeping my house / office / bedroom clean – daily
Taking time to wash, moisturise and take care over my appearance.

I think that is a good enough start.

As tragically clichéd as it may sound, the words “I hate myself,” resonate, because I honestly do.

It is funny how one begins this life with so much hope and optimism, and as we age those once charming traits transform into disappointment and numbness. Disappointment, as past mistakes mar future endeavors, and numbness, as it is the only way that one can cope.

I pretend the thoughts of other people regarding me are of no consequence, but I know that every action that I ever taken in my entire my life was to gain approval and love. Knowing full well that the decisions that I have made were not in my best interest, I still continue. This compulsion to appease others is so overwhelming, so stifling, that each day becomes harder to live with myself, harder to look myself in the mirror.

“Maybe if | lose more weight I will be pretty enough,” as my ribs jet out from beneath my skin. “Maybe if I just stay quiet and not press the matter, it will go away.” “Maybe it would be better if I never existed at all.” These are the thoughts that race through my head on a daily basis—but they will never know, and I doubt that they would even care. Perpetuating this fragile veneer of happiness is becoming increasingly difficult. So, good people, this is me:

-I am a failed University Student

-I have an eating disorder

-I am in so much debt

-I hate my dead-end job

-I desperately want to return to university, but I am so afraid that I will fail again. I cannot bring myself to even complete the application, because I look so pathetic on paper.

-I lie to everyone about my circumstances, because I do not want them to know what an utter loser that I am.

-I lash out at the only person who cares about me.

-I am with a man who only likes me because of the way I look.

-I am surrounded by “friends,” but my loneliness is crippling.

-I want to die.

I am a quivering wreck, but I want to change that. How? I do not know exactly. But, I would imagine the first step is learning to like me, and perhaps, dare I say, love me.

I genuinely think I’m getting there with this goal. And no this is not because I am or have woken up this morning feeling great or even ok. Ironically I feel heavy hearted and sad. But the reason why I know I’m getting close to saying I’m done with this, is my current mood would ordinarily result in me spending hours, even days, beating myself up, thinking I’m a bad horrid unlovable person ( this is the point I’m still sticking on given the D situation still). But I know that’s not the case. I know it’s not me, it’s just the way life is at times.

I know there are the contradictions with me at times asking myself, what’s wrong with me, why am I alone and single, but then for the first time in my 34 years I am also somehow secure in the knowledge that I AM a good, loving, kind person. And I’m OK as a person.

Like I say I have my moments, but I know that I’m almost there. As I said in my letter to D, I’m the most secure and self-confident ( genuinely ) than I have ever been.

I think part of this goal (or maybe a separate one ) of loving oneself, is also looking after oneself. Being kind, giving myself a break (Im constantly hearing from friends that I’m too hard on myself), reminding myself of all the good things about me.

I just wanted to write the entry here, in Black + White for those times when I occasionally slip back into the not loving myself so much part of me.

You would think it would be easy right?
I know everyone has their flaws and downfalls, but they all seem to matter just that little bit less than mine. I know that everyone worries about what they’re doing or where they’re going and whether it’s right or wrong or normal. And I feel the same way. I want to learn to love my opinions, my morals, my hair, my eyes, my face, my body, but it’s so hard when there are so many people out there, that are stunningly elegant, or skinny, or perfect. You feel a little bit left out.

A friend told me about a technique he’d used in the past to accomplish things. He would write things on a page over and over. He’d write one or two things he wants to accomplish, always just before bed and sometimes right after waking up. That includes more abstract things like becoming more confident or whatever.

So I started my own version of that. I am a very auditory minded person, and I like to talk. So I tell myself whatever for 5 straight minutes looking into the mirror, just before bed and right after waking.

I’ve only done it two days, but I feel different already. I am amazed to tell the truth. I feel better about myself and the world in general.

My current phrase is “I am loved and I am important.” Two things I have a lot of trouble with. Every so often I elaborate with things like “I’m important to x for y” or “x loves me, as well as y, and me too”

Something about the focus and concentration I pour into this activity really lets it punch through the miasma of doubt and whatnot in my mind, since none of it gets that kind of attention and focus anymore.

Im going to try and look at myself as I would do a friend and do for myself all the things I would / do do for the people in my life….