learn to love myself

I have been trying to figure out why I can’t find a man. According to everyone I meet “You’re so pretty” “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend” “You have such a great personality”. The sad thing is I choose not to listen, and mostly not to care. Once I learn how to love myself, I think then I will truly learn to love another.

Goal as of:
JUNE 14TH, 2009

‘Spoilt brat me’ thought it was a great idea. Now I feel like doggy doo. Eating chocolate for breakfast is not loving yourself!

I did to ‘love myself’ was get up and get straight in the bath and wash my hair instead of staying in bed for a bit longer.

So today I managed to look in the mirror and think I had a pretty face. The dialogue that immediately took place in my head was a fight saying ” you cant say that! how arrogant to say you’re beautiful to yourself! you cant say you’re lovable and someone might be lucky to have you”

But the other voice won today and today i think I have a pretty face… and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that!!

At my support group this term (5 weeks) we’re focusing on 5 elements – earth, air, fire, water + heart. This week was water. They guided us through a visualisation where we’d fallen off a pier into a murky lake, and we had to shed thoughts of a situation or person or whatever that was holding us back from reaching the surface. I got pretty emotional – I would have screamed if it had been appropriate, the pressure in my chest was incredible.

One of the situations holding me back was one of my old group leaders – I’d fallen for him, hard. He was the first guy I’d really, truly fallen in love with. He had the most amazing spirit + he was beautiful, not just sexy. He looks a little like Logan Huntzberger off ‘Gilmore Girls’, but with a lip ring. He had an idea of how I felt about him, but we never got to say goodbye on that camp + I have this feeling I’ll never see him again. He’s all I think about – I’m constantly playing out scenarios in my head – what if we’d met under different circumstances? That was just one of the issues, by the way.

I’m afraid of being judged, because I have severe, almost cystic acne, hair in places where I shouldn’t have hair, + I’m FAT. Plus I’m incredibly shy until I get to know you a little better. So I solved that problem – don’t leave the house unless absolutely necessary. It’s frustrating – my brain cells are banging on my skull, wanting more than the same stupid crap all the time. The fear of being judged, I think, comes from the belief that I’m unlovable and ugly. Just acknowledging that I felt that way was huge for me. As for changing, however…I wouldn’t have a clue.

I am an ER nurse. lately i realize the more i see people at their worse, the more people irritates me. People can be so ugly…
as a side effect to this, i slowly find it difficult to love and see the beauty in those close to me.
As a child, i don’t remember a period of time where my parents were not talking about getting a divorce. Twenty some odd years later, they are still at the same predicament.
Growing up i remember the first person who told me they love me was a lesbian who was trying to hit on me.
I can never understand what love is suppose to be like. what are the requirments?what does it look like?
Being in a few long term relationships, those that have told me they love me never really behaved accordingly (based on my perception of how it should be)
So now i believe i’m searching for something i’ve never seen before. It’s like describing to a summmer ladybug what winter snow is like. It can only imagin. But will never know.
i think that’s why i always believe i need a “something” to keep me happy, to keep me satisfy, to keep me safe. the something could be a man, a pet, an addiction…but never seem to be content with just the plain old me.

when i’m alone at home, i feel empty, hollow..i adopted 2 cats from the shelter and unconciously i put a bell on them the next day, just so they make some noise. everyday i return home and it’s so still, so quiet, as if time never passed in that particular dimension.

My name is Natoshia Smith and I am a 30yr old house wife.I have 4 lovely children and a wonderful husband. I really should not feel the way I do about myself,But every time I look at myself in the mirror I cant help it.After I had my last kid in 1998 I gained alot of weight.I was up to 260lbs! I went into a deep depression after that and lost the weight before I even realized I was losing weight. of course that left my body infested with excess skin and stretch marks! I have not been able to enjoy a normal summer since. I am so insecure and paranoid that my husband might leave me for a woman with the total package,That its ruining my marriage! I just want to be able to enjoy my life while I’m still young.I want to look foward to summer vacations with my family. I want to stop being so insecure and withdrawn.I want to know what it feels like to shop for stylish clothes.I just want to know how it feels to enjoy the simple things in life.I’m 30yrs old and I never really had that feeling because my insecurity and my body has got in the way of it.Now it is getting in the way of my marriage because I cant give 100% of me to my husband.A marriage is about Love,honor,trust and respect.Without those 4 elements there is no marriage.I’m lacking trust because I am so insecure about my body.The flaws that I have are way beyond working out.I actually work out 3 days a week but you cant tell because I have no elasticity in my skin.That is why I want to win an extreme makeover.I hope one day in the near future I get the help I need. Natoshia Smith

This would be an amazing gift, to be able to love myself unconditionally. I feel like others hate me, and I hate myself. i have gotten to the point where i hate myself so much, i feel so unworthy of living a beautiful life, that i can’t get myself to do anything. im stuck in a hole. i put myself there

I have moments where i think I’m ok. I also have a long list of self criticisms and I am prone to depression when i remember the list. :P Like … i will always be a bit overweight. I have a poor memory and am frequently forgetful. I also think slowly. i talk too much. I can be bossy. I am a little messy. I am boring. I think about all these things and some things I can improve and some things I think I just have to accept. I dont know how to accept my flaws. I guess that’s the real problem. I see other people who are super confident despite obvious flaws and Im a litte envious … how do people get so confident???