regain my confidence

yeah i lost my confidence 17 years ago and have been ill ever since. Its only the last 5 years that ive been trying to get it back and im nearly there.

Well this last semester basically shattered that.

I realized that Im always looking for things that will give me more confidence, when in fact I think its the other way around. I will have the confidence, and that will give me those things.

So last night…seriously at the same moment that I was telling myself, “you know what? it’s ok, I don’t need him, he’s not the one for me, and its time to get over it” and was about to go to the computer to update my new found confidence that I really don’t need this guy in my life, he calls.

He didn’t just call, to call, but to ask me to go for some late night cake.
Again, this is new behaviour, and its totally freaking me out and confusing the hell out of me. It makes me think that he’s trying to show me he cares about me, and wants to spend time with me. Which maybe he does, but he also says that he doesn’t want to be ‘bothered’ by me, which more or less means I have to keep my feelings to myself, which is killing me softly.

I want him to tell me that he’s realized how much I matter to him, and that he’ll do whatever it takes to make me feel loved by him, so I’ll finally be able to open up, and live out my feelings for him that I’ve been holding in for so long.

Rrrrrright!? Like that will ever happen.

Last year I dated a guy that I met in the Campus Bar who was totally not right for me, surprise surprise. We broke up, but tried to remain friends after. Big mistake. To make a long story short, he traumatized me, I had to press charges against him, and will be going to court because of it all.
Since then I’ve dated two men, both whom I had known from the past, just not very well. Those didn’t work out either.
Last week, I finally collected my courage to go on a date with someone who I work with every once in awhile, and was again confirmed that I seem to draw in men that treat me like shit, and the ones that don’t, I end up treating them like shit.
Through all of this, and more, I’ve been in love with someone who “doesn’t want to be bothered by me” (his words exactly). He says that we’re really good friends, calls me often enough, and has been the person that I sleep with when I’m not in a relationship for almost 5 years. When we sleep together he tells me how wonderful I am, how much he loves every piece of me, and last week, how cool I am, and how much he appreciates me. Two nights ago, I wanted to make plans with him for the next day, but he was going to breakfast with some girl from his work (again, his words exactly), just to hang out. I have a feeling that he’s seeing her, and still wants nothing to do with me, but last week, I thought the opposite.
All in all, I feel like a big idiot, I want to be over him, I want to love someone who truly loves me too, the way that I need to be loved, and this guy is just always around, reminding me of what I think I want, of what I will never have, and that I’m not ever going to get what I truly deserve. Damnit.
I want to be able to find my confidence, and retain it, even if I give up this guy, and don’t find anyone else. I want to still believe that there are men who are caring, mature, and sensitive, who will accept me for who I am, and for all that I am.
I just want to be able to go out, flirt with men, and not be afraid of what I’ll draw in, or what they’ll think of me.

I used to be the girl who would go out, even if no one else was joining me. I used to love to talk to strangers, meet new people, see new places, and go on totally risky adventures. Now, I feel reserved, scared, and not myself anymore….I want the Old Me Back!!!!

Yeah,

I figured out that a lot of my confidence problems stemmed from the fact that my first opted career sort of went through the tubes, -through no fault of my own i’m sorry to say.

Finding a new calling, -or rather, the same one with a different organization rejeuvanated my stalwart spirit, as I was accepted into one of the most prestigous schools in the world in terms of my field, -Aerospace Control Operations. unfortunately, its all left me a little bitter, ha!

He cheated, I took him back. I moved into his apartment alone. I wasn’t ready yet. I feel the pain more and more each day. I’m trying to forgive but it keeps riding to the surface. I wasn’t ready yet. How do I tell him, I love him but don’t like his ways. Can I learn to trust him or will he become a memory of my past. I am moving on but without him. I must let him know.