manage my Bipolar disorder

Sleepless nights have come about again, 1….2…3…4….5am finally some sign of some shut eye… alarm goes off time to “wake” , once I get out of bed, It all just feels so normal, getting up going to work with all the morning hour traffic things seem to go in slow motion I wonder if everyone is seeing what I am seeing, I am hyped and feeling great all day today was just incredible it’s so addictive to be so sharp so in tune, but at the same time I am so tense , something is worried inside me – something inside me knows this can’t go on for long – by brain is pleading for time out but 1…2…3..4..5 am finally some sign of some shut eye….......alarm goes off…..

I am trying Chamomile tonight, it was working for me a few weeks back, it tastes like wet sock would taste if you leave it in you mouth long enough (probably a harsh comparison but it’s the first thing that comes to mind) , but its only because I make a really strong concentrated tea out of it -

I agree with most here… I do not like meds

...after a 5-hour sleep. I still need to become wonder woman to meet all my deadlines but at least I’m not feeling like crap today. Dear world here we go…...

I’m not sleeping well. I feel I’m on a depressive mood and it’s hard to get out of this alone. I will have to restart therapy again. Expensive but necessary to do before it’s too late.

A little over 5 years ago I started being treated for depression—I was seeing a counselor at my college’s center & she referred me to a psychiatrist after we’d been meeting for a few months. He immediately agreed that I was depressed & I started on a popular SSRI. It worked for a while, but eventually another MRI was added, to offset some side effects of the SSRI. The MRI was super helpful, so we phased out the SSRI. Eventually, it was less effective on its own, so another MRI was added & I improved again.

Looking back on summer 2007 I am pretty sure I had a manic/mixed few months. Then I had a serious crash in the fall – helped along by a majorly messy breakup & losing my job for a total BS reason. The rest of 2007 was a blur. I was having constant panic attacks & was prescribed a good bit of Ativan to take “as needed” – not a good sign, me thinks. But eventually I was feeling better.

I started 2008 feeling hopeful, I wasn’t suuuuper depressed, but I wasn’t feeling awesome. Made some weird judgment calls during that time. Smoked a ton of pot, which helped a bit. Ended up moving back in with my parents for summer 2008 & that was a total shitshow. My mom had just started medication for ADD & I was definitely manic/mixed….it was a total disaster. I saw a random psychiatrist to get my Rx renewed, but she was crappy & judgmental, insinuating that I wasn’t being honest with her.

Once I got a job, things improved, but then I got depressed again, inevitably. My meds weren’t doing enough & I couldn’t see my shrink for months…...I finally got to see him in early 2009. Changed my med dosage. Started to improve, moved out of my parents house into my own place…then got fired from my job. Awesome. My therapist suggested I might have ADD, then suggested bipolar. I was hypomanic/manic/mixed for most of this summer, but didn’t realize it until it was pretty bad.

Finallyyyyy in August, I started on a mood stabilizer and for the past month have been really stable & much less symptomatic…although I’ve still got some paranoia. I’m seeing some warning signs for depression starting, so I’m trying to get ahead of that.

I’ve had to cut out drinking, due to the meds. It’s really fine with me, except people are weird about it. I’ve cut back on the pot, mostly because I’m broke, but I still smoke occasionally & will probably continue to do so. I think it’s also worth noting (for myself) that so far, my BP has been a major factor in the demise of two of my past three relationships, with a total of 6 years effort put into them combined. (the third one, we really just didn’t connect. nothing to do with BP)

I ended up in the hospital because I was unable to control my body’s movement. They gave me Benadryl and all the better now, but not taking the med that got me that way again!

When it comes to this I have to be my own advocate. Newer medication like Lamictal and Abilify have less side effects and I want to be on them (again). I’m taking Depakote and I am gaining weight but stabilizing. I know I shouldn’t worry so much, but my self-esteem is suffering because I’m getting chunky. It’s tough but my hope is that with time I can be in control and not worry about my diagnosis so much.

i quit taking all my medication exactly two months ago.
my mom says that i’m a bit of a pain in the ass. have sudden moments of aggression. i’m irritated by every single thing. stupid things make me burst into tears.

what is sad is that i only feel better when i drink or do cocaine. i feel so much better. i know it’s wrong, but i sometimes think that maybe it’s the only way i can cope with everything? ugh. awful.

i usually completely go out of my mind in the fall. full-blown mania completely took my breath away in october/november last year and i remember having memory loss from what i was doing at that time. oh the embarassment and horror. skipping university. going out 5-6 times a week like a sick freak to 3-4 clubs a night. ending up in the damn BLC always and throwing up in the toilet. had my bag stolen in that toilet 2 times. remember even dropping all my credit cards on the toilet floor and walking away. going home at 7 am with hell knows who. getting my stuff stolen from my flat. going to university sometimes and falling asleep and falling from the chair in the middle of the lecture. everyone asking me if they can get some cocaine from me. losing all my friends at once and making new ones. i don’t even remember their names. testing myself for HIV. acting like a complete asshole. and finally, getting fatter every single fucking day. cherished memories. not.
i am getting more depressed every day. i don’t want to repeat the events of last summer. i was around 140 last june when i went into hospital in kent and spent 7 weeks there like a sad little person. i went out weighing 152 and was very hyper and calm at the same time. my psychiatrist had a heart attack not so long after and i was assigned a new one and from then on it all went downhill again. it’s not happening this time. god, i don’t want to go back to lithium.

I just want to be able to catch myself and stop making the same mistakes and at the very least learn to explain myself and what I feel more effectively.

i basically just want to never take any medication at all. never ever again.
last year i quit taking my medication but in about a month and a half i got a nervous breakdown coupled with an eating disorder and was sent to a hospital.
i was put on medication again, but i quit taking it again in the end of april and even though i don’t feel great, i don’t feel that bad.

since i’ve been on lithium not only i gained like a cow, but i got retarded (i can’t concentrate on anything anymore, i quit university and i honestly don’t give a shit about anything that i used to care about anymore) and i can’t sleep. my joints hurt and i have RLS, as well. i used to be so obsessed with gym a year ago. i would walk 30 mins to the gym (instead of taking a bus or tube) and would spend 80/100 mins on the treadmill or elliptical, then would do some weight lifting and walk back home. now i can’t even take a walk in the park. ugh. failure.

i just don’t want to go back to lithium. i tried everything else. nothing works.

to remember to take my meds in the morning. Does anyone have any suggestions for making this easier?