manage my Bipolar disorder

Nervous breakdown again…Not sleeping is a trigger for my crisis. I’m considering quitting my job…........I hope everything looks better in the morning, I thought I could get out of trouble alone. Though I had felt the need of therapy since weeks, I ignored myself and I didn’t set the necessary appointments with the psychologist and with my former psychiatryst.
I’m so scared of losing my job it’s not only the loss of the financial security it provides …losing my job will be for me a failure as a human being and I don’t know if I could stand up after that…I’m so scared …...praying helped me deal with the panic attack but since I was feeling suicidal I called my father …he’s been so kind and caring I love him very much… in spite of all the problems we had because of his divorce from my mom , he’s really one person that I love and admire. Thanks God for him.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder last July. I have been to hell and back in the past year. I’ve had times I would sleep 16 hours a day, not sleep for days, lie to people, spend money I didn’t have, spend way too much time drunk, would take road trips 4 hours away to hook up with random guys, was in the hospital 5 times, and did many other spontaneous, troublesome things. I cringe to admit all of that, but since I have been out of the hospital for the past month, I have done a major turnaround. I’m nowhere near “managed” yet. I still can’t bring myself to go to therapy regularly, I still get pretty depressed, and I have my manic moments, thankfully way less severe than they used to be. My meds still need adjusted, but they are better than ever. I was so low that last July I tried to commit suicide, so I understand what it’s like to feel totally hopeless. I’m extremely thankful that I was given a second chance at life, and I know that no matter what, things will get better if I hang in there and deal with the emotions. During my last hospital trip I was informed that if I had to go to the hospital one more time, I would be sent to a state hospital. Now there’s no choice for me but to fight through this and get better. I’m finally able to see a future for myself, even though I’m not sure what it holds. I’m very thankful to be at this point, but I still have to continue on and keep improving.

its been eventful, today I got back into training and was trippin on sunshine all day – looking out my window at work watching the few lonely placid clouds wizz away it could not have been a better day – work doesn’t seem like work these days, I pay less attention and but I seem to get more done meds are meant to be in full throttle now , I am still just me, as I figuered they deserve a chance for once…. maybe things are turning round cus I am giving myself a chance for once….blah… ... i think its time to wonder in dreamland now… goodnight

Sleepless nights have come about again, 1….2…3…4….5am finally some sign of some shut eye… alarm goes off time to “wake” , once I get out of bed, It all just feels so normal, getting up going to work with all the morning hour traffic things seem to go in slow motion I wonder if everyone is seeing what I am seeing, I am hyped and feeling great all day today was just incredible it’s so addictive to be so sharp so in tune, but at the same time I am so tense , something is worried inside me – something inside me knows this can’t go on for long – by brain is pleading for time out but 1…2…3..4..5 am finally some sign of some shut eye….......alarm goes off…..

I am trying Chamomile tonight, it was working for me a few weeks back, it tastes like wet sock would taste if you leave it in you mouth long enough (probably a harsh comparison but it’s the first thing that comes to mind) , but its only because I make a really strong concentrated tea out of it -

I agree with most here… I do not like meds

...after a 5-hour sleep. I still need to become wonder woman to meet all my deadlines but at least I’m not feeling like crap today. Dear world here we go…...

I’m not sleeping well. I feel I’m on a depressive mood and it’s hard to get out of this alone. I will have to restart therapy again. Expensive but necessary to do before it’s too late.

A little over 5 years ago I started being treated for depression—I was seeing a counselor at my college’s center & she referred me to a psychiatrist after we’d been meeting for a few months. He immediately agreed that I was depressed & I started on a popular SSRI. It worked for a while, but eventually another MRI was added, to offset some side effects of the SSRI. The MRI was super helpful, so we phased out the SSRI. Eventually, it was less effective on its own, so another MRI was added & I improved again.

Looking back on summer 2007 I am pretty sure I had a manic/mixed few months. Then I had a serious crash in the fall – helped along by a majorly messy breakup & losing my job for a total BS reason. The rest of 2007 was a blur. I was having constant panic attacks & was prescribed a good bit of Ativan to take “as needed” – not a good sign, me thinks. But eventually I was feeling better.

I started 2008 feeling hopeful, I wasn’t suuuuper depressed, but I wasn’t feeling awesome. Made some weird judgment calls during that time. Smoked a ton of pot, which helped a bit. Ended up moving back in with my parents for summer 2008 & that was a total shitshow. My mom had just started medication for ADD & I was definitely manic/mixed….it was a total disaster. I saw a random psychiatrist to get my Rx renewed, but she was crappy & judgmental, insinuating that I wasn’t being honest with her.

Once I got a job, things improved, but then I got depressed again, inevitably. My meds weren’t doing enough & I couldn’t see my shrink for months…...I finally got to see him in early 2009. Changed my med dosage. Started to improve, moved out of my parents house into my own place…then got fired from my job. Awesome. My therapist suggested I might have ADD, then suggested bipolar. I was hypomanic/manic/mixed for most of this summer, but didn’t realize it until it was pretty bad.

Finallyyyyy in August, I started on a mood stabilizer and for the past month have been really stable & much less symptomatic…although I’ve still got some paranoia. I’m seeing some warning signs for depression starting, so I’m trying to get ahead of that.

I’ve had to cut out drinking, due to the meds. It’s really fine with me, except people are weird about it. I’ve cut back on the pot, mostly because I’m broke, but I still smoke occasionally & will probably continue to do so. I think it’s also worth noting (for myself) that so far, my BP has been a major factor in the demise of two of my past three relationships, with a total of 6 years effort put into them combined. (the third one, we really just didn’t connect. nothing to do with BP)

I ended up in the hospital because I was unable to control my body’s movement. They gave me Benadryl and all the better now, but not taking the med that got me that way again!

When it comes to this I have to be my own advocate. Newer medication like Lamictal and Abilify have less side effects and I want to be on them (again). I’m taking Depakote and I am gaining weight but stabilizing. I know I shouldn’t worry so much, but my self-esteem is suffering because I’m getting chunky. It’s tough but my hope is that with time I can be in control and not worry about my diagnosis so much.

i quit taking all my medication exactly two months ago.
my mom says that i’m a bit of a pain in the ass. have sudden moments of aggression. i’m irritated by every single thing. stupid things make me burst into tears.

what is sad is that i only feel better when i drink or do cocaine. i feel so much better. i know it’s wrong, but i sometimes think that maybe it’s the only way i can cope with everything? ugh. awful.

i usually completely go out of my mind in the fall. full-blown mania completely took my breath away in october/november last year and i remember having memory loss from what i was doing at that time. oh the embarassment and horror. skipping university. going out 5-6 times a week like a sick freak to 3-4 clubs a night. ending up in the damn BLC always and throwing up in the toilet. had my bag stolen in that toilet 2 times. remember even dropping all my credit cards on the toilet floor and walking away. going home at 7 am with hell knows who. getting my stuff stolen from my flat. going to university sometimes and falling asleep and falling from the chair in the middle of the lecture. everyone asking me if they can get some cocaine from me. losing all my friends at once and making new ones. i don’t even remember their names. testing myself for HIV. acting like a complete asshole. and finally, getting fatter every single fucking day. cherished memories. not.
i am getting more depressed every day. i don’t want to repeat the events of last summer. i was around 140 last june when i went into hospital in kent and spent 7 weeks there like a sad little person. i went out weighing 152 and was very hyper and calm at the same time. my psychiatrist had a heart attack not so long after and i was assigned a new one and from then on it all went downhill again. it’s not happening this time. god, i don’t want to go back to lithium.