express myself freely

I love him dearly. i love him but…I’m pissed. He is my best friend and I could not imagine my life without him although, he doesn’t treat me the way I want my future hubby to treat. truth is he is perfect and I don’t want to admit it. So I dig for things that irratate me and quite frankly I don’t know how he puts up with me. I am a bitch. I never was before buti think I am deeeply trying to push him away from me because I am not ready. I am not ready to get married to my first boyfriend. I daydream all the time about dating around then coming back to him. I am a bitch. I have depression and I take all of it out on him. I am a bitch and I don’t deserve him yet he will never leave me. I am a jealous person…only when he doesn’t want to see me. I feel as if he doesn’t want to hang out with me when i want to I will ignore him…speaking of that I havve been having those thoughts again. I want to drive away and start my new life leaving everything behind and not letting anyone know where I am. That is where I am emotionally right now and i am taking it out on my boyfriend who I love and he doesn’t deserve it. I need to go back to the Lord.

I am staring at a cow and an onion bagel….

what are you staring at?

Right now I have so much frustrations and hate and anger in me…I am about to explode…into shameful tears…I am so sad… and that makes me hate life…I’m ready to let go…to run off…to slip down…to jump off…the edge.

I can tell that I am going back into my depressive state of being…and as much as I don’t want to…I really have no choice…It’s like I have two personalities…One trying to make me happy and one trying to get me to jump off of a cliff. It’s hard. I hate it. I’ve been good for several months and now I am back to sqaure one…making myself and everyone else feel sorry for me, nobody loves me, everyone has forgotten me…and I have no idea how to explain this to my boyfriend because he has never been around me when I am like this…I don’t ever eant to see anyone ever again.

this isn’t what i wanted

I’m slipping…
I can feel the acid in my eyes
in a desolate world
where only a willow seems to breathe
I’m slipping…
I’m slipping…
...on my own mess,
I’m pushing myself of a cliff
unintentionally.
It’s happened.
I can’t turn back…
...for I am in mid air

sometimes all you can do is sleep through it all

I love you…
I need you…
I miss you.

I can’t stand it anymore!!!!

My boyfriend is going through some really big changes right now which is causing him to stress out 24/7 and I never get to spend time with him…and when I do its at night and he’s tired and can’t go out late because of work in the morning…it sucks! I hate this situation right now! it was never like this before…we used to always go places all the time and he was happy and I wasn’t sexually frustrated haaa. I can’t wait till everything settles down with him and his family so he can get out of his deressive state and enjoy my company again…I love the guy and I havn’t had a chance to tell him. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love him…and I want him to know that it’s true and pure.

l’arrêt de seigneur me.
...
je veux mourir.
...
me tue.
...
je veux me sauver.
...

I would tell you the truth…but you wouldn’t want to hear it..I’m stuck in a deep depressive state right now and im not sure when i”ll get out…I never know…and it’s horrible…and if I seem really distant I can’t do anything about it…So if it seems likes im ignoring you…I proberly am along with everyone else…don’t take it personal…I just can’t help it.

I want to go into the dark abisss…and never return

so I don’t know quite how to put this in words Lord…but I need your help and strength to pull me oout of this fantasy land that Im living in…I love it yet I hate it and its causing me to loose any real feelings of joy and true happiness…Even when I am in the happiest situation I feel as if I am not connected to it. Sure I am the one everyone sees although I am not experiencing the true joy. I cant act through the emotions because I block myself from them…leaving me feel unloved when one tells me that they truely love me with all their soul…and this Lord makes me feel horrible..not being able to accept the reality of the situation and communicate back in a heart felt way…whether I merely just overlook any emotions from others that are thrown my way…and I dont want this anymore. I don’t know what to do…I have an idea but I know thatit won’t solve anything yet hurt others…so what can I do in this life to help myself that doesn’t involve the death of ones self…theroetically and actually?