appreciate my husband

We are trying so hard to pay off our debts, and i resent him b/c i feel like:
1. we are paying off his student loans, not his fault but he could at least feel some responsibility. Ok, some are his fault…he didn’t totally run by me the debt he took out since we were married.
2. We stayed here in town b/c he wanted to do another year at his partime 3 day week job, plus some night jobs one day a week. That said, he didnt work all summer and ignored my pleas to please get a job so we could reach our financial goals.
3. HE did not disucss the upcoming financial impact of our move to a new house with our new roomates; they are his friends and i resent that he wasnt confrontational or thought ahead about impact of all this.
4. He spends all his free time on art show, which i too would love to be doing but dont have 2 days a week off to work on like he does. I am jealous of this and i wish he were using those 2 days to contribute financial to our shortterm goal of getting out of debt.
5. I carry most of the burden of tracking our finances, he has gotten a lot better at participating, he gets it deep down and pretty much plays along but, while he spends free time making art/pursuing his dream etc, i spend my free time making financial spreadsheets and figuring out ways for us to save money. I work more and make more than him, and have less free time, so this can seem unjust to me.

I dont know what to do about these…

You worry about my health and stress, and you help out with the laundry and occasional other chores, which I truly appreciate. I truly appreciate how willing you are to go along with whatever new scheme I come up with to help us (the budget sheet, dave ramsey, fly lady swish and swipe, david allen ideas, house organizing/ikea ideas). I know that not everyone’s partner is as willing to cooperate. But sometimes I wonder how much I’m bearing the burden for …caring. For worrying. I could simply stop worrying about our money, house, etc. but that doesn’t come easily to me and additionally, if I don’t wake up at 6 am remembering that our rent is over a week overdue and that we are going to miss the tax deadline. I know you are going to say you do worry and care, just more privately. Unfortunately, if you never bring it up to me or initiate anything, then its the equavalent result on my end to you living in blissful oblivion. And so, I’m up at 6 am. Because of us, because of you. You always tells me I”m too easily stressed out, I’m too serious. Maybe that’s because, at times, I feel I’m bearing the burden for both of us.

I’m sorry if I tugged at the covers and thrashed; that is not fair. I resented that you get to sleep soundly. I resented that you have worked less than a 40 hr workweek ever since we’ve been married while I get 15 days off a year if I’m lucky, both because I’m jealous and because I feel I can’t do the same and meet my goals for us of getting out of debt and having flexiblity in the future. I resented that you do not appear to suffer the same anxiety I do over our future – thougths of financial freedom, life purpose, values and goals. Ultimately, I am worried we do not have the skills to be able to dream up something and do it because day to day maintenance gets in the way. I’m often sad because I feel losing my ability to dream, to think big thoughts for our future, because I’m so busy trying to dig us out of this whole of debt and keep us afloat in our house. Please can we figure out a way for me not to feel so alone in this? Probably we just need ot talk more and you need to share more with me. I’m open to suggestions…we’re good at talking and working things out when we make time to do it.

Im doing spring cleaning, and re-organized our walk-in closet. THIS COUNTS AS APPRECIATING MY HUSBAND!!! It has to because I hate cleaning and working at home especially when I work so hard at work. LOL Plus Im not complaining to him, Im being very domestic and acting as though I love spending my free time working on our lives together (which I do ultimately) He loves a clean house, and my organizing skills, so let me get back to work….

he bought me flowers today. not because Im a Valentines bafoone….not because its Valentines, but because “I thank God everyday for you, and want you to feel as special as you are” I love this. I will get him a surprise this week…...

Dream seeking
Love hoping
Always reaching wishing and wanting true love

I was a young girl with many ideals
Crushed and broken hearted
Used and survived
Delicately I began to protect my heart

I hid the girl that draws hearts all over her books in a locked box
A key was swallowed and consumed cement to follow
Easily went on discouraged and living
Easily went on and labeled “independent”

You hit me like a dart from the sky
You hit me in the face like a snow ball at the beach
Something fell in my lap that was before out of reach

Your blue eyes, your smile, your warmth and your touch isn’t even half of it

Im blasted everyday with surprise of your insides
You balance my soul
You don’t make me whole, no you don’t, you make me want be me all the way
You make me question what it is to really live
Im blown away with a man of great character
Im shocked by a gentle men that always opens my door no matter where we go
I smile at you reaching for my hand
I laugh at your multiple cartoon voices
I cry in your arms when the world is too hard
I attack you and you simple offer a cradle of soothing smooth thoughts
Money is less and less of an object, and more of an accessory
What I wear doesn’t concern you
The days I look the worst you call me cute
I dream of you grabbing me and sweeping me away
Since I met you my dream comes true every day

You get me, and I thank God everyday I got you babe!

I imagine he knows my love for him. I assume that he thinks I care. Is that really enough?

I could write so much tonight about my deepest part of my heart, the spot where our love lives. I could go into explicit detail seperating facts from thoughts, and dreams from reality. I could tell you the great things hes done in my personal, professional, and future life. I could make it all seem like magic when to me it really is that very thing.

INSTEAD tonight I want to make a list of things that I can do to share with him what he truly means to me….

These must be thoughtful planned out actions because I cant buy all the planets and rent a cloud in the sky to make love in.

Perhaps a poem?

Maybe a little piece of art I spent large amount of “secret” time on without getting caught until Im done?

Hmmm I could do a journal entry listing the many qualities that make me appreciate him, our marriage, and friendship, then after a few months hide it under his pillow?

I could make him chocolate delights every 3 days?

I could give him a massage right now?

I could make him a shirt (haha, that would be torture, huh?) lol

I love the journal idea and or slash scrapbook type thing, I could start now and have it done by June 1st-his birthday.

Oh wow, that would be cool. He’s so great. I cant even express the enormity of my appreciation for him, his support, his acceptance, and the goodness inside of him. He has this glowing calm spirit,reserved coolness, lots of patience, incrediable goofy relatable humor, endurance, and strength!

Another great and AMAZING thing is he gets me sooooo well. Even on my cranky days, and emotionaly overwhelming days he totally handles up on it.

He must be a gift from God to have such an ability to put up with me and my bipolar tendencies.

What a cuddly, calm, cooperative man. He avoids fights with irritable ladies (like his wife), rubs my feet, lets me talk on the phone for hours to my friends, but is always ready to hang out. He’s a man dream come true. hehe. Plus he doesnt have any anger towards the fact that Gerard (Gerard Butler that is) wants to get back together with me and calls me all the time….haha Shawna, hubby so heard that joke in there and laughed at us being such silly girls…..

He snuck out of work to give me my first-ever newyears midnight kiss.

I laugh when you tickle me
I cry when you leave
My heart dances when Im with you
Your hand reaches for mine and it sends thrill down my spine
My eyes still get lost in the blue of yours
The very small moments we’re together I feel there’s no where else I want to be
You choose me over your income
You choose me over your friends
I run to you to tell you about my day
and you always listen no matter how drawn out my stories may be
Your laugh echos in my mind
When I miss you, thinking of you makes me smile
God did so much good by knowing we should meet
It was the first day I saw you that I knew I wanted to know more
Its heart caliming that I have a one true love
My mistakes are many, my past haunting
Im settled in knowing I may not deserve it but Ive found bliss
I find truth near you with every single look
A dream came true because love is the source of each kiss

I say thankyou not enough for this beautiful man in my life. I got sick today because I was so busy wrapping presents, drinking coffee, and shopping that I forgot to eat. I laid on the bed zoned out and he came in there stalking me. He said “Next time you are sick can you just tell me instead of being anti-social” It was so sweet. He has such a precious way about him in the way he talks to me. He went and got me some tacos, and we ate and he smiled and said “DO you feel like being around your husband now” he makes me laugh…...