Get my LPN

The hospital, unlike the other one, is in the bad section of town. It is small, dirty, and just plain weird. The pantry smelled truly awful, with a smell I can’t even describe. The teacher during orientation kept telling us to not bother asking her for help on anything, to do it all on our own. If we call her for anything other than missing class, she will hang up on us. There is limited space, so we have to chart in the patient’s room. The nurses’ room was trashed. On top of this, she raised our grade to pass this, up to 77%. So, basically, we will have to get almost a B to pass. Our work load has doubled too.

We have to work for five straight hours before we get a break: “And if any of you come to me feeling faint, I just don’t want to hear it.” And the hospital’s cafeteria has very limited hours, and a small selection of food.

The eleven of us just looked at other with glances of despair, thinking of the other eleven who are with the nice cookie baking teacher in the nice big clean hospital. The teacher who says she will do anything she can to help them to pass. We have the one who expects us to fail.

I feel like I’m being sent into Mordor, with leagues of orcs after me. The other eleven are in Rivendell, being looked after by loving elves.

I will do this. I will act better than I feel, take good care of my body. I have told Je we eat sandwiches and soup for the next nine weeks, no more prepared dinner. I will do what I can, and be both firm and nice with myself.

I received my clinical review today. I was nervous because she took most of the students before me and she was taking her time, really letting them know what they did wrong. I couldn’t hear exactly, but I know the tone.

My turn came, I expected the worse. She told me that my biggest flaw was that I don’t believe in myself. My comprehensive test had pretty much been by far superior to anyone else’s and I know the material. (I am not the best tester in the regular tests cause it takes a while to sink in with me, but then it stays forever.) Apparently the test is at RN level, much higher than LPN level, and I still scored extremely high. She stated I overthink everything and should just trust myself more. I’ve got the brains and the talent. She said I was opposite of a few class members who think they know more than they actually do (and I bet I can guess which ones). Oh, and once I had worn gloves in the hall. That was it. Done in five minutes or less.

Oh the funny thing is, the one woman who is always bullying me and thinks she’s the top student—well she was bragging about her comprehensive score, how high it was.

It was about a 100 points less than mine. I smiled to myself and didn’t say a word. And it’s harder for her now cause her number 1 minion has recently failed out, and she doesn’t have quite the audience for her bullying. I’ve caught two other students telling her to knock off her attitude. So the energy’s changed, we’ve lost almost half the class to failing, and the peer pressure is just about gone.

I can get through this. Like the little train that could, I know I can, I know I can…

I am registered for next term.

I took the end of term computer test for nursing and did not expect much, considering I just don’t seem to be doing so well as compared to my classmates. Well, surprise:

Class average score: 715 National average: 763

My score: 935 My percentile: 88%

The only parts I did not do well on we had not been taught yet. If we had learned them, I anticipate I would have done even better. And we learned many things not asked on the test, so my base of knowledge is even wider.

This confirms to me that I have been studying and retaining well, that the tests we have in class are just out of whack. My reality has been confirmed, and I do not have to keep doubting myself, in spite of the near constant berating I receive. My score above predicts the probability I will have of passing the licensing exam well the time comes. That’s the test that really counts. I can do this.

Big sigh of relief.

The teacher spent the entire day pretty much on the rampage. It was awful, and at the end of clinicals she announced that this entire class was not fit to be nurses and we were failing out. The whole class. We just sat there in stunned silence, and one lady burst into tears. Strangely, the lady I took care of today kept praising me to everyone. She was happy, at least.

So I just keep trying and just put myself in my inner happy place when she yells at me. Today she did that a lot, as her favorite student missed clinical without calling (which I think triggered much of the rampage, she seems to have an unhealthy attachment to that woman).

The hardest thing is that the rules seem to change every day, and there is no example of what is really expected. It’s really crazy-making and I am beginning to think there is something seriously wrong with her. The whole class with the exception of her favorite student can’t be that bad. Really.

Well anyway tomorrow I find out my result on the last of this series of tests so this might be the end anyway. I took a nap after this day and I had a nightmare of being kicked out of the program for the most stupid reason, and her just mocking me.

I do keep focusing on what I do right, which is a lot. And if I do survive tomorrow, there is only slightly over two weeks left with her. I can survive, and get past this.

Another student was in a room with a alert patient, when the teacher came in. The teacher started berating the student in her usual way, and the patient told her to STOP yelling. When our teacher left, the patient, a sweet old lady, told the student that she was a teacher for many years, and never, ever, had she seen a teacher be that rude to a student, especially in front of another person.

This was nice as validation that she is out of control with her temper. the sad thing is she yells even worse at me.

Four months in school, total time with teacher actually helping me learn something in clinicals is still less than five minutes (well, actually, never, I just realized. Never. Her favorite students she spends hours working with, while I always get the yelly face for everything. Today she said I didn’t fill the forms out correctly, evenly I state: ‘You’ve never shown me how, even when I ask.” (btw both during clinical itself and after lecture class. She always blows me off.)

Two and a half weeks and I’ve on to a new teacher.

Most of the class now starts to bully even worse: it comes from the top.

I feel like a hamster on a treadmill, running, running, running, always something else to do and sometimes a dozen things to do…

...but I just keep doing it.

So I’m assigned to do a little project with six of my classmates, to help map out a question. To me the answer is obvious. I state it simply and politely. The six of them start bullying me saying it is the worse answer ever, and they have the right one (which is the dumbest thing, makes no sense). They are absolutely belligerent and completely dismiss me and ignore me as they plot out their presentation.

I then politely point out that their numbers are wrong. Same response. Now they are rolling their eyes at each other and openly mocking me.

The teacher then comes over and I ask about my answer, as she says to them maybe, just maybe, they should listen to me. They still ignore me, insisting they are right. I get out the books and show them, but nooooo…..

...and I say “we both have valid points, I suggest we present both our views.” Completely voted down. 6 to 1.

So today is the presentation. Incredibly, they want me to give it, announcing it at the last second. That would be interesting as they would not show me their work before, as I was pushed out the loop. (I have given two really decent presentations before, so I guess they thought I should just do this by osmosis.) I look right at the leader of this mess, and say “Oh no, I don’t agree, you all present it, as you understand it and believe in it.” Of course this gets some more snarky responses. When our time comes, they say nothing. These people who insisted I was an idiot and bullied me couldn’t say a freakin’ thing when their butts were on the line. Nothing. I just sat there too.

That blessed teacher, whom I believe knows how badly I’m getting bullied by this class, then just starts saying what the answers are.

And I am exactly right. Exactly. Right. They are wrong, wrong, wrong. Of course they don’t say a thing. Since saying “I told you so” isn’t all that classy, I don’t say it.

But I sure am thinking it…

...as once again I eat lunch alone and study.

Gooooooooo meeeeeeeeeeee!

I had to deal with pneumonia, substitute teacher for 2 weeks, the crazy ‘partner’ on my project, and the freeze-out from most of my class members. I also found out the I was given the patients in clinical considered most difficult emotionally and received about 3 minutes of supervision (seriously), while other students got to be managed much more. And I Did It! With a 87% average, ending with a 92% average, perfect attendance, and a love of nursing.

I have faced my fears, ate the frog first, lived on peanut butter sandwiches due to our cut income and my cut time, put off hanging out with friends to study and I’m so happy!

I’m on my way, and already checking into the RN program…

is an 88. Yea! Only two weeks till end of first term.

by a couple of government programs! Yay USA! Yay Florida! Yay the gods! I really didn’t think this would happen, and have been super-stressed about where the money would come from. The next term’s payment was coming up, and I was going a bit nuts figuring this out. So a big hurdle to this dream has been overcome.

Now to find the money to live on…