Get my LPN

I stayed up all night studying for a big test (which I did well on). I got called by the teacher for yet another talk, in front of the class, when we were dimissed for break. Well long story short, I am now on clinical probation. Serious stuff, I could get kicked out of school. Why, you ask?

Because she considers my shoes dirty. Now mind you, she mentioned this before, I polished them (they’re old, I’m broke) and she said they were fine. I would have replaced them tho if she had asked. I clean and polish them a lot. But now they are too dirty, even tho half the class has worse. So that’s it. I take it in stride, am nice. She says my notes have improved at lot, I mention that I do follow her suggestions and want to do the right thing.

Then she calls me to stay after when class ends (as to once again embarrass me), and now I have to sign this sheet. Now this sheet has some vague stuff about that I am dirty, and don’t do some things right. The shoes are first and foremost. She says that I must document, sign, and it goes in my permanent file. So I write a little note saying I will buy new shoes and new uniforms that night. And give it back.

She says, you need to say more, about how bad you are. A long way from stupid off -white shoes. So I don’t admit anything, and just write that I’m open to her suggestions, and will implement them (I am really smelling a rat, and it’s not my shoes). I admit nothing.

So I go and buy new uniforms (no Thanksgiving turkey, I’m afraid). And the shoes, they are the brightest glow in the dark white I can find. They hurt the eyes to gaze upon them: she can’t complain here. And I will keep them in the car, I won’t even wear them except directly going into our out of class or clinicals, in case one tiny little leaf of grass or speck of dirt destroys my dream.

So I will iron and starch each uniform within an inch of it’s life, my shoes will stay in bags until I’m entering class, and I will now do some other thing in clinical that she wants (which is a direct contradiction from what she wanted two weeks ago from me). I am documenting everything, but I just hope that she just plays this stupid game and passes me. She loves to make me jump. I don’t even get nervous anymore cause I know she’s nuts and there’s nothing I can do.

Five more weeks, 12 more clinical days. Gods help me.

because I can’t sleep during the week (then crash for many hours on the weekend) and have nightmares about school when I do sleep, I think about it constantly when I don’t want to, and become sick to my stomach when even the thought of being around my teacher comes up. I started looking up bullies on ‘net, cause I know that is what my teacher is, then came across the fact that many targets of bullies have PTSD, so I looked up that, and it is certainly what I am dealing with here.

So I am going to contact the local university that’s right down the street from my school, and see if I can get free/vastly reduced therapy while I deal with this situation. I know I need it, and it will also be a way to document the abuse with a third party, if the need for that will come up.

The last time I felt this stressed, I was 16, with my mother dead and my father in the hospital possibly dying and certainly not able to take care of me, with no food or money, and my begging for food off of other people, showing up at their homes, starving. It is hitting me on this gut, survival, level. This woman know this school is my entire financial future, if I don’t pass, I will not get funding to keep going.

In reading the bullying sites, she fit the profile of the narcissistic bully to a ‘T’. When she gets me alone, her face contorts into a mask of snarling rage. Her now constant put-downs of me openly to the rest of the clinical class is wiping me out. And the research I’ve done shows me nothing will be done if I report her, so I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I know I need to go talk to a professional before this overwhelms Hubby Je and my support system. A friend of mine came into town this weekend and I didn’t return her phone calls cause she’s already a nurse and I feel like such a failure.

She also states: “I can’t train you on drug administration, even though I would like to, because you make me realize you aren’t good enough because I feel you didn’t give that patient a bedpan fast enough.” Even tho I have passed all the tests, mind you. And I knock myself out trying to get to that patient on time. And really, giving bedpans is not the same thing as drug administration. And she makes sure I’m the only student who gets patients that need bedpans, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep up. I see her training her favorite student on drug administration all the time. Yes, the same student who has started cliques (that they all failed out btw) and bullied me right from the beginning. Her bullying, which somewhat ended when her friends failed out, is now stepping up again, even tho I had always been pleasant and professional. I just despair. They are now…together.

Yes, isn’t this similar to: “I don’t really like to hit you, but your failure to do __ makes me have to hit you.” Crazy abuse, and gaslighting me to make me feel it’s all my fault.

So tomorrow I make an appointment, and I hope I can talk to someone this week.

Something is seriously wrong with this woman. She is always berating me, and now it’s in front of other people. One of the other students was stunned: “She really emotionally abuses you.” Patients and their families are appalled, other nurses have noticed. People ask me “Does she always treat you like this?” Well, yes. Maybe I remind her of someone she doesn’t like, I don’t know.

And now I’ve come to realize she’s trying to sabotage me. An example: we can’t go on the floor to deal with the patients until we report in to the nurse in charge of them, and/or review their charts. Both my patients had a nurse I hadn’t heard of before. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I could only find one chart, and did the best I could with that. Then I found out the reason I couldn’t find the nurse: she wasn’t there. She came in three hours late (and looking suspiciously hung over). So I told the teacher this, wasn’t allowed to work with them until she showed, and did the best I could with much less time that the rest of the class. Both patients were bedridden (more on that later) and needed total care. She, naturally, berated me that my work was not done, so badly in front of one patient that he told me he was upset at her treatment of me and he thought I did a great job. This was unsolicited on my part: he just noticed.

Well it hit me today: she knew that nurse wasn’t there! She goes in and does the assignments and talks with the nurses beforehand, and knows them all. She knew that nurse wasn’t there, and deliberately gave me both patients with her, knowing this would slow me down.

And on patient assignments: the other students get to mobile, younger, patients, requiring much less care, which leaves more time for charting. Me? I know they will be in their late 80s and 90s requiring total care. I listen as she gives out the assignments, and this happens again and again. Then she will call me back as we start to head out to work, make some snarky comment that she hopes I’m up to it, as I’m not very competent and I need to be better. Nice way to start the day.

She will tell me she wants me to do different things, I will shift and do what exactly what she asks of me, then she will say oh no that isn’t it at all. When she was on my case about charting, I went home, reviewed everything for 3 hours, came up with a new plan and ideas, and of course in this morning’s berating, I told her how I worked and reviewed, trying to be better, and she just snarled.

And when I make the beds with bedridden patients, I am not allowed to ask for help in turning the patient, no matter how frail or heavy they are. This stuns me, as it is dangerous for the patient and impossible physically for me to do. Other students ask for help all the time, and it’s no problem with her. So I sneak and try to find someone to help me do this, and if she catches me she accuses me of being lazy but I am following the protocol of what we have been taught. I just can’t turn a 85 year old obese patient by myself. Really. I am not lazy, I work nonstop without a water, food, or bathroom break for five hours straight.

But, wait…now she is assigning some of the other students, just one, easy patient. Not two, hard patients like I get. And of course they get all their charting done on time. She showed me one of their charts, as the wonderful way to do it, and guess what…

...it looked a lot like my nasty horrible chart. And today, she, out of the air, never mentioned before, just started on my case to some more charting in the hospital file that was never mentioned before. Just out of thin air, but I should know by osmosis. Because I certainly don’t have enough to do.

So now the other students are received their drug training, actually giving meds, and not me. Oh, no. She tells me my high grades on the classroom tests don’t mean anything (even tho she once again berated me when I got a C+ once, and I promptly pulled my grades up to the top of the class, which, naturally, received not a word of praise). She tells me I’m not fit, or ready to do this. She has a little smug smile when she says this. “I know you really want this.” Well, yeah. Beat me up because I’m knocking myself out to learn how to be a good nurse.

I guess what really gets to me is I could be with the nice cookie baking teacher actually learning something. I could approach her and actually ask her questions, or admit that I am weak in one area without being verbally pulverized. And yeah, one patient would be nice cause I could chart well, take care of the patients well, and actually do things I am supposed to do. I could learn. And I am tired of being abused, but I am always polite, respectful, decent, even when she is at her worse (I suspect she would love a meltdown as a reason to get rid of me: I won’t give her that: thank you AA for teaching me emotional sobriety).

So this is it, my long end of week ramble. I got a nice surprise today tho: I qualify for a grant I didn’t even apply for, for a decent amount of money. A phone call out of the blue said a check was waiting for me to pick up next week. We can get a turkey for Thanksgiving, I can buy a decent blood pressure cuff (my cheap one broke), and I can actually own more than one uniform!

And I’m halfway done with this term. A miracle.

Edit: I was thinking, yes, I am not perfect. But she could correct me without telling how stupid and incompetent I am. She could just say: “This is a better way, try this.” I would implement the changes, really. Why does she always tell me I’m stupid? I passed the test for Mensa, and have an honors degree already, so I just think she’s completely cruel and abusive. I’m not stupid, and to keep telling me I am makes me think she’s emotionally unbalanced. It makes me wonder how many other smart students she’s treated like this who gave up their dream caused they believed her.

In clinicals we are assigned two patients, with AM care (much work)and a whole new, much longer, sets of paperwork/charting to fill out. Plus this hospital allows us to do much more work with the patients than the other hospital, which is great, cause we learn, but it is just that much more to do.

So honestly I have never got the paperwork done on time, or even close. It’s always late. Teacher just looks disgusted at me. I was thinking ‘okay I’m just not meant to be a nurse’ and thoughts of dropping out were swirling in my head.

Then I found out…the other clinical teacher, the nice cookie baking one in the other, clean nice hospital, has her students do just ONE patient, ONE chart/paperwork. Just one. We do over twice the amount of work. Today I was talking to the other students and nobody has finished their paperwork on time, even the top students. And I look around and realize the top students are the ones with this teacher. We knock ourselves out. There is no way possible everything can be done in time. No way. And this little group of us, has decided, to not turn the work in on time. Not in a mean or sarcastic way, we just don’t say anything and turn it in late the next day. You see, it’s late after lunch anyway. And I was missing lunch, not eating at all trying to chart and do the impossible. Now, I eat lunch. And turn it in the next day. The whole class does this: she can fail us all. We’re all expecting it.

I just can’t do anymore, and I am amazed how this entire class is going into meltdown. They feel like me. Dealing with this woman five days a week is too much. She yelled at a student today for not knowing something she didn’t teach us. She claimed it’s in the book, but we have this new stupid book that nothing is in, but we are treated like we are supposed to know. How can we? Another impossible thing. We are not allowed to ask any questions, she tells us we must already know everything.

So there is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one. Every one in this clinical class hates Sunday, knowing we have to deal with her the next day. And I’m so angry we get so much more work than the other half of the class, and yelled at when we can’t do the impossible. And I won’t go complain: often the complainer is the one cut.

So a day at a time. I really hope that all nursing schools are not like this, arbitrary, cruel, too much work with seldom any praise, but much criticism. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

Edit: She says we are the only class that is like this. Know what? I don’t believe her. I think its a way to goad us, and that’s her game. It’s impossible to do this, and I won’t believe every single person in this class in that incapable. Why does she feel this game is necessary?

The hospital, unlike the other one, is in the bad section of town. It is small, dirty, and just plain weird. The pantry smelled truly awful, with a smell I can’t even describe. The teacher during orientation kept telling us to not bother asking her for help on anything, to do it all on our own. If we call her for anything other than missing class, she will hang up on us. There is limited space, so we have to chart in the patient’s room. The nurses’ room was trashed. On top of this, she raised our grade to pass this, up to 77%. So, basically, we will have to get almost a B to pass. Our work load has doubled too.

We have to work for five straight hours before we get a break: “And if any of you come to me feeling faint, I just don’t want to hear it.” And the hospital’s cafeteria has very limited hours, and a small selection of food.

The eleven of us just looked at other with glances of despair, thinking of the other eleven who are with the nice cookie baking teacher in the nice big clean hospital. The teacher who says she will do anything she can to help them to pass. We have the one who expects us to fail.

I feel like I’m being sent into Mordor, with leagues of orcs after me. The other eleven are in Rivendell, being looked after by loving elves.

I will do this. I will act better than I feel, take good care of my body. I have told Je we eat sandwiches and soup for the next nine weeks, no more prepared dinner. I will do what I can, and be both firm and nice with myself.

I received my clinical review today. I was nervous because she took most of the students before me and she was taking her time, really letting them know what they did wrong. I couldn’t hear exactly, but I know the tone.

My turn came, I expected the worse. She told me that my biggest flaw was that I don’t believe in myself. My comprehensive test had pretty much been by far superior to anyone else’s and I know the material. (I am not the best tester in the regular tests cause it takes a while to sink in with me, but then it stays forever.) Apparently the test is at RN level, much higher than LPN level, and I still scored extremely high. She stated I overthink everything and should just trust myself more. I’ve got the brains and the talent. She said I was opposite of a few class members who think they know more than they actually do (and I bet I can guess which ones). Oh, and once I had worn gloves in the hall. That was it. Done in five minutes or less.

Oh the funny thing is, the one woman who is always bullying me and thinks she’s the top student—well she was bragging about her comprehensive score, how high it was.

It was about a 100 points less than mine. I smiled to myself and didn’t say a word. And it’s harder for her now cause her number 1 minion has recently failed out, and she doesn’t have quite the audience for her bullying. I’ve caught two other students telling her to knock off her attitude. So the energy’s changed, we’ve lost almost half the class to failing, and the peer pressure is just about gone.

I can get through this. Like the little train that could, I know I can, I know I can…

I am registered for next term.

I took the end of term computer test for nursing and did not expect much, considering I just don’t seem to be doing so well as compared to my classmates. Well, surprise:

Class average score: 715 National average: 763

My score: 935 My percentile: 88%

The only parts I did not do well on we had not been taught yet. If we had learned them, I anticipate I would have done even better. And we learned many things not asked on the test, so my base of knowledge is even wider.

This confirms to me that I have been studying and retaining well, that the tests we have in class are just out of whack. My reality has been confirmed, and I do not have to keep doubting myself, in spite of the near constant berating I receive. My score above predicts the probability I will have of passing the licensing exam well the time comes. That’s the test that really counts. I can do this.

Big sigh of relief.

The teacher spent the entire day pretty much on the rampage. It was awful, and at the end of clinicals she announced that this entire class was not fit to be nurses and we were failing out. The whole class. We just sat there in stunned silence, and one lady burst into tears. Strangely, the lady I took care of today kept praising me to everyone. She was happy, at least.

So I just keep trying and just put myself in my inner happy place when she yells at me. Today she did that a lot, as her favorite student missed clinical without calling (which I think triggered much of the rampage, she seems to have an unhealthy attachment to that woman).

The hardest thing is that the rules seem to change every day, and there is no example of what is really expected. It’s really crazy-making and I am beginning to think there is something seriously wrong with her. The whole class with the exception of her favorite student can’t be that bad. Really.

Well anyway tomorrow I find out my result on the last of this series of tests so this might be the end anyway. I took a nap after this day and I had a nightmare of being kicked out of the program for the most stupid reason, and her just mocking me.

I do keep focusing on what I do right, which is a lot. And if I do survive tomorrow, there is only slightly over two weeks left with her. I can survive, and get past this.

Another student was in a room with a alert patient, when the teacher came in. The teacher started berating the student in her usual way, and the patient told her to STOP yelling. When our teacher left, the patient, a sweet old lady, told the student that she was a teacher for many years, and never, ever, had she seen a teacher be that rude to a student, especially in front of another person.

This was nice as validation that she is out of control with her temper. the sad thing is she yells even worse at me.

Four months in school, total time with teacher actually helping me learn something in clinicals is still less than five minutes (well, actually, never, I just realized. Never. Her favorite students she spends hours working with, while I always get the yelly face for everything. Today she said I didn’t fill the forms out correctly, evenly I state: ‘You’ve never shown me how, even when I ask.” (btw both during clinical itself and after lecture class. She always blows me off.)

Two and a half weeks and I’ve on to a new teacher.

Most of the class now starts to bully even worse: it comes from the top.

I feel like a hamster on a treadmill, running, running, running, always something else to do and sometimes a dozen things to do…

...but I just keep doing it.