detox

For 5 or 6 months

Detox accomplished, and I’m still waiting for my appetite to return, which is an unprecedented and quite welcome feeling, actually.

I’ve posted some of the things I learnt from this experience under my “crazy healthy June” goal, but a further pearl of wisdom that I picked up on is the massive importance of protein in one’s diet. When I was absolutely lagging behind energy-wise, some raw peanuts or avocado picked me right up.

Overall, I feel … empty, I suppose is the right word. I don’t have toxic preservatives or sugars coursing through my veins. Light and happy :)

Definitely a worthwhile experience. I’m going to do another round in six months’ time.

I can’t help but draw really direct a really direct analogy between mental and physical detox. It takes some time, but really, the changes are remarkable. I actually have gotten rid of a lot of really bad memories. I remember them, but because they are “past” (passed?) I have perspective, and I actually feel some measure of maturity here. And I realize this week, that much of what has really been hurting me is no longer even present in my life. In other words, it’s become past tense, and it’s like my brain tissue is being regenerated. I feel calm and empathetic and a lot more mature. I read with much greater clarity and feeling. Philosophy is taking on a whole new value for me. I’m reading Deleuze right now, whom I’ve always found so difficult and obscure…but this book on Nietzsche is resonating, and I’m reading with great ease and pleasure and appreciation for the subtley of his thought, which I am actually able to follow in an easy way. I’m actually learning somethings that are applicable to how I want to live – via my interpretation of some of the ideas he brings out. Also, I’m starting to think more in the future tense. I feel these things that I wanted to let go of during my mental detox are behind me, but now I have to step up, and move forward. And the Buddha is taking on a whole new measure of meaning as a life practice. Life is pain, that is for sure for any thinking, feeling, conscious human being. But that is not the point of life. Maybe it is even a kind of starting point to really living….

Today was harder than expected (coming off the high of the first day). _{Large part of this was probably self-inflicted, as I attempted cardio against express instructions to the contrary.}

My concentration levels were still remarkably good, given the fact that I’ve been subsisting on (largely) raw fruit and vegetables. This may be TMI, but I’m also starting to get that furry feeling in the mouth that is apparently a sign of the toxins fleeing from my body. The rather limited diet is, I must admit, getting a bit boring, but tomorrow is the last day and, after some reflection on healthy eating habits, I can get back to a smorgasbord of food choices.

Now to knock back two glasses of wine water, and head off to bed.

I very much wanted to update this goal last night, but my younger brother decided he simply had to go to bed there and then and, as the computer is in his room, it’s had to wait until now.

Day One was a success (with two minor aberrations – the first being when I couldn’t face eating raw mushrooms, so cooked them, and the second when I was too scared that I would lose a finger in the juicer if I attempted it without instructions – I resorted to bottled apple juice instead).

The good things. I went for a walk to a nearby park, and sat on a bench, watching the water and writing. I did some light weights in the evening.

Perhaps the best thing of all about Day One was gaining some insight about my relationship with food. It’s remarkable how many of my “future things to look forward to” are food/drink related. Having removed that from the equation, I was a little lost yesterday. It was an odd feeling. I’m starting to think that I’m guilty of trying to find some form of fleeting happiness in what I put in my mouth, which is illogical, because sense dictates that the happiness can only last for as long as the time I spend chewing. Surely there are other more constant, more sustaining sources of joy in my life than when I next get to rip open a packet of chips. Food for thought.

One of my worries with doing the detox this week was that I would be rendered hungry, distracted and unable to study. Wow – it was actually quite the opposite. Yesterday, my focus was sharp and I churned through my work, which leads me to think that not only my body, but also my mind, are able to function so much better when they’re not polluted with processed junk.

I’m pushing on to Day Two now, but want to come back and reflect more on what I’m learning by doing this detox – I feel like there are some little pearls of life-changing wisdom just waiting for me to reach out and grab them.

In the past, the only (ill-fated) detox programme I’ve embarked upon was the master cleanse. After the third horrid mixture of lemonade, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, my flatmate and I said “f#ck it”, and threw the towel in.

I am determined to be slightly more successful this time, and part of that is lowering the bar to a three day detox. I’m following the programme outlined here.

• oodles of fresh fruit and vegetables.
• nuts.
• a big water bottle that I can sip from at regular intervals.
• herbal teas. Thank goodness I’m now a fan of them.

Thoughts for while I’m on the detox
I’ll be starting tonight, before I go to bed, and finishing on Saturday evening.

Emotions et al
I know that people often talk about detoxing physically and mentally – they go hand-in-hand. I’m in a good place inside my head at the moment – my relationship with G was toxic, and was slowly poisoning me from the inside. With that over, I feel airy and light, and can taste freedom and fun again. There are areas, however, that I could be more aware of. I want to journal for at least half an hour every day for the next three days.

Exercise
Cardiovascular is out, but I can go for gentle 30 minute walks in each day, and do some non-intensive weights and stretching.

Indulgences
What better time to indulge, eh? I must admit that by far the most prevalent form of indulgence for me is by sampling something food-related, and (with that out of the picture), I’ll have to find other ways to treat myself. Hot baths, scented moisturizers, days spent studying out in the sun. Cartwheels on the lawn, belly laughs, facemasks – the possibilities are endless.

And my affirmation: I release negativity from all parts of myself and welcome freshness and light.

I can’t help thinking that my “detox” program is a kind of lunacy. I end almost singularly focused on the negative – that is, avoiding it. Maybe we all just need to learn to live with a certain measure of dirt in our lives. I mean, it starts feeling really regimented, and dare I say puritanical in almost a literal way, as in, a near obsession with “cleanliness” and purity. It’s a bit phantasmatic, I’m beginning to think.

Yes, I like my healthy eating habits, and I do feel much better – but I want to cultivate a spirit of gratitude and respect for whatever food is on my plate, enjoy it, be grateful for it, and learn moderation.

I have benefited from healthier choices, and I have even “detoxed” and I will do so in a more organized fashion.

As for my mental detox, I did in fact get past a lot of psychic garbage that had been clogging my arteries for years, but let me say that this was HELL for at least one day. Really. I wouldn’t recommend it. I found myself, in the interest of detoxing them, focusing on these really negative emotions and memories, and of course, they only got worse and to almost paranoid proportions. This is when my rational brain kicked in and said “enough of this shit”. And I went for a walk. Not as an “escape” – I had simply had enough.

Yes, it does become compulsive when one is detoxing, you start feeling depressed and begin to go over old wounds in obsessive detail, if you’ve given yourself time to do so. I think what happens is that they get “bored” out of your mind. In other words, you get to a point of total and complete boredom with the tedium of your own self pity – even if there is “real” tragedy behind it! I fear for those who don’t snap out of it though.

I suggest only drinking water when you get really depressed. You feel bad, you drink water, you get hungry, feel worse, feel bad, keep thinking dark negative thoughts, drink water, tell yourself “No! I can’t eat. I’m detoxing” and on it goes until you say – fuck it, I want a cup of coffee and out of this pathetic head space, and you go for a walk and feel one million times better, but instead of getting a coffee, buy a banana. And you find yourself feeling unbelievably happy and grateful for being alive, and that you don’t have to think about that shit anymore, not because it’s “out of your system” – but because you are completely and utterly sick and fed up with your sad old stories that make you feel like shit. It seems, in other words, utterly pointless, and I guess it is.

Detoxing, I’m beginning to believe, really brings out my latent OCD – as I suspect these capers do in most people

this is hardest of all. I am toxic with anxiety and resentment. I know I have to let it go, but a big part of me resists letting it go, which doesn’t mean I’m not letting it go, but that I am going through something here.

I know it’s already started. So much sadness, and genuine hurt, deep and real. I don’t know if a person can “detox” from sorrow. I guess I just try to let it go.

I haven’t yet done a full-on detox, I’ve been living at other people’s houses or travelling for 6 months and it hasn’t always been easy to get the right foods. I have barely touched alcohol in the 4 months I’ve been away which has been great, and I’ve been getting lots of exercise. In asia in particular though I’ve been eating too much friend stuff and meat. Now that I am back in the UK I am planning to go back to a largely vegetarian diet with little or no processed foods. I’m looking forward to fresh veggies and fruits and salads, wholegrain and nuts. If I can stick to a healthy diet and at the same time keep up my levels of exercise I’ll be happy with that.

This week I am detoxing from the negative influence my mother has had on my life. I am facing the hurt she has caused me, and I’m not lying to myself about it anymore. I’m also releasing all guilt and all attachment.

This isn’t about forgiveness. This is about acceptance, and moving forward on my own behalf It’s about claiming my own self, and my own life, and letting my mother go.

I have been holding onto her, for better and for worse, for far too long. I want my own life. My mother is not stopping me from claiming this – I am. I am. I feel alot of hatred and resentment toward her, and alot of hurt feelings, and sorrow. I will work through this, and detach from her.