Accept things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference

has been presented to me. I cannot change what has presented itself to me. This was presented to once before only months into my marriage. I was very clear then on my expectation and what the outcome would be if it ever happened again. Ever.

My mother who I told of what was presented to me once again on Saturday night, referred to me as gullible; Easily deceived or duped. Gullible…gullible…it keeps wandering around my mind, my thoughts, every since she spoke the word…gullible.

Is a person gullible because they have faith and trust in others? Is a person gullible because it is hard to believe that someone can be outright dishonest and manipulitive when you are not a person that thinks and lives that way. Am I gullible because I don’t see the unobvious? Am I to live always over thinking and doubting? I always thought that to be a paranoid type of behavior. Gullible…is a person gullible because they are kind and believe in others? Gullible or Trusting: a person who is confident in another or having belief or reliance on integrity, ability, or character; “Trust” right. Isn’t that how we are supposed to live…I struggle with this, I have always struggled with insecurities and now to hear the word “gullible” from my mom where all my lack of trust issues began…

Now I wonder was I deceived “duped” all these years. Perhaps…he managed to love another and run me down and have me doubt who I am and turn me into weak doubting role model always trying to reinvent myself causing me to let my children down…This went on almost the entire time we were married, but mostly in the last 13 years…

Now, my son, not me found this and brought it to me. I have an obligation that I will not turn away from. I don’t know what is going to happen. I will have to put my trust in God to work through this one, but mostly I will accept what I have to do because one thing I know is I do have the wisdom to do what I need to make this change and to accept whether I am thought to be gullible or trusting…that I learned I was deceived and I have an obligation to take appropriate steps to be the role model I need to be for me children when it really truly counts…living by example will carry them a long way through their lives.

No I don’t believe I am gullible, I believe I was deceived by someone who lives and works at being manipulative, someone who lives dishonestly at the expense of others.

Such a wonderful goal for life. I certainly have been heading in the right direction at times, but I still have a long way to go!

that my daughter is a slob and will continue to leave messes in the kitchen. And, that I will unwisely continue to clean up those messes because I can’t stand waiting for her to get around to it.

aaaaaaggggghhhh! she’s lucky she’s mine and a beauty with a good heart!!

I write this as I prepare to go meet my friend B. I have known him for around a year now. We have been traveling similar paths; we have been there for each other. We began our relationship talking on-line and sharing our lives with each other. We met face to face when my path was determined. We became and have been good friends. We found we were similar in so many ways. We made each other smile and laugh, we consoled each other when the emotion became too much with what each is facing. I am on a definite path and it appeared recently that he was on the same path. We became very close and I allowed him to get near me. I was hesitant, but I did eventually,

Now, tonight, I leave to meet up with him for what I believe will be the last time. It has always been about the love we have for our families and the pain we were feeling. But in that we were finding and found so much more and now I suppose we will have to accept that he has chosen to go back the other way, because that is where we both are. So, no matter how painful this is going to be, I have the wisdom to know that family is more important than anything; no matter what has happened to cause either of us to be placed on the path we have been on.

I know our memories will give us the courage to walk yet another path.

That is the question. I have heard for the last few years…”I’m leaving when I am 18!” and all of the other nasty and painful stuff she can spew out that she is/was feeling over the years. Placing in it at me/us to feel and live with the pain 100x’s more. 1000x’s no a million x’s more. It is lasting and forever there…

Today, my daughter, Sarah (yes, that is her name, a beautiful name for a beautiful young woman inside and out. Just beautiful. I know she is mine, but she shines and I have been told so.)

Anyway, today, my daughter, Sarah, is 18 and all I can think of is what will she do?

Will she be home when I get home?

Will she see the balloons, flowers,cake and card/gift I will have waiting for her?

Will she be here when her brother and all her friends stop by to surprise her either today or by the end of the week?

So, today, a day cool as it was 18 years ago…less snow flurries and hopefully not another earthquake…

God blessed me with a beauty to forever love…to accept, to find courage and learn wisdom…

I hope I have done enough and mostly I hope she hangs in there a little longer with me to work through all of the years of pain; so I can do the one last thing a mom can do, besides love; give her her independence, help her find her confidence and self-worth so much quicker than I did in life. That would be the best gift of all.

Love her so.

_{My words are quick this morning and probably don’t say it properly and completely. But, I felt compelled to make an entry now.}

_{1983-84 From Jimmy. Found last night in my jewelry drawer I was going through, I forgot, I keep it there.}

Here are bits of gold
you left behind.

I pass these back to you
in hopes that
feelings, precious and dear,
you and I continue to share.

Thank you
for the light
you bring
to my life.

Jim

It’s been a terribly long time since I have seen you. But I know you are always near, you and grandpa. I think you will be proud of me; though I am feeling so deeply broken hearted and insecure tonight. But also know that it is only a passing thing and I will find my way out of it soon.

I remember the day I came home after a surprise visit from Jimmy. It was in your bedroom where I was sitting on the edge of your bed, grandpa had followed behind, when I told you he asked me marry him. You looked at me and asked without hesitation the same thing I thought when he asked me. “But what about, Kevin?” Your words and look on your face said it all, but I could not really see it, you really liked him, but knew we were not right together.

That rainy night when we got married in the church down the road that I was baptized in, I saw saddness on all your faces and I felt something wrong within me too. And, you know, I think he did too. We tried for almost 23 years to make this work and we did/do love each other so very much. I spent years trying to figure it all out, because marriage is a commitment and so many in this day and age just give up when it gets tough, instead of trying to work through it and change as you move through life.

I made a very difficult decision to leave him and split our family. Someone had to make it. I remembered how you always knew what was best and you acted on it if it felt right to you. I decided not long ago it was time. Mom encouraged me often in the last couple of years, not because she didn’t love Jimmy, but because she knew and has lived the same her whole life long and did not want me to make the same mistake…to change it now while we were young enough to enjoy life. So, one day not long ago, I knew and I did. The best part, Grandma, I came home. I live close to our old house, I can walk there anytime and not far away just really down the road is my church. It feels right, I am at peace, though, I am so very sad at times. There is much I need to do, much I need to do alone. But, I know you and grandpa are near walking with me each day, so I know deep down, it all will be as it should.

I love you and I hope you see I did good and will be ok. I miss you guys awfully, but know I will see you again sometime in the future when the time is right. And as far as that question you asked so many years ago. I found not too long ago that Kevin was not the one either, I just always thought he was. He came back a couple years ago, only to hurt me too. I am glad for my choices made with regard to him or it could have been much worse. You raised me well. I am so grateful to you and grandpa. I miss you dearly and hope to keep living my life in a way you will always be proud. I will write again soon.

Love you always,
TrishaSue

(with hand over forehead)

I lost a subscriber :-( awwww….

Eyes; the window to our heart and soul.
Eyes; looking into mine touching my heart.
Eyes; coming close,lips touch, feelings flow.
Eyes; seeing hearts no longer apart.

Not long ago a decision was made to accept an apology for past indiscretion and behaviors; along with a commitment to change. Upon forgiving a darkness turned to light within a heart; opening it to possiblities. With forgiveness does not come forgetting, but the ability to grow and learn…wisdom.

Embarking on a road to healing. A road sure to be long with many hills and winding roads. Within those roads will be crossroads forcing the courage to choose a path that is right and fair; respectful and understanding. Choices will placed in front of each.

Tonight a choice to accept at a beginning there will be stumbles; anger will still present itself. Each time an opportunity to choose courage; courage to walk away instead of unwisely engaging in anger. Courage to respect oneself and the wisdom to know when words are best left unsaid.