I had a co-worker point this out to me, and it made me feel bad. She asked if I had low-self esteem and how my confidence was. This caught me off guard and I felt nervous and some what targeted, but I believe she had good intentions since she’s studying to be a counselor. Since then, I haven’t been able to shake this off my mind. I read some of the “How I did it entries” and they seem to have a couple things in common: counting how many times they apologize and having someone to point it out for you.
This also made me think ‘why’ I do this. And the only thing I can come up with is my childhood. My step-father was very strict on me and also abusive. At times he called me his ‘subordinate’ and I would have to say ‘Yes sir’ whenever he was talking to me. No matter how much I tried to please him so I wouldn’t get in trouble, there would be always something ‘I screwed up on’ and I had to listen to him yell at me, calling me names (like a b*tch or tramp), how I’m lazy and no one likes me. The best way to make the time go faster was to agree with him and say sorry, whether I believed he was right or not. At some point, I stopped fighting and just agreed to everything – and perhaps all this has contributed to my low self-esteem.
This was a long time ago, but I’m still in the healing process from this past. I am fully aware that all yelling and name calling, I did not deserve – and nothing was my fault. So I have the right mind set and now I just have to get out of this bad habit. This goal has become even more important to me now, that I’ve realized it’s linked to my step-father. It’s my way of fighting back. 10 months ago