start thinking about what kind of job I really want

cos I want to clear up my list, and this isn’t even a possibility at the moment – I have enough to sort out as it is! (Plus my current job has recently taken a turn for the better with the departure of my most pain-in-the-ass client, taking a large chunk of my workload with them, and the consequent introduction of a new and more varied range of responsibilities; so I’m happy enough to stay here for the moment.)

even if I’m not finished. I’m folding this into my “admit what I really want” goal to tidy up my list.

I’d like to read tarot cards for houses. I mean it. Go into a house (apartment, mansion, studio, office) and do a tarot reading to see what the occupants needed to do to make it a better space. I’ve never done this before but it strikes me as the sort of esoteric skill for which people get well paid if they can find the right clientele.

Perhaps I’ll start practicing this for places I inhabit or visit regularly and see how it goes. It’d be a damn sight more interesting than filing paperwork.

I was lying on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to an amazing singer. I thought I could hear in her voice that her shoulders were pulled slightly forward and it would be useful for her to stretch her pecs. Sure enough, when I looked at her, I was right. Is “muscle whisperer” a job?

roaring, “Life! Life! Life!”

I hear you and I promise this is not the end of the road, career-wise. Be patient, voice of my heart.

who is pushing 40 and still doesn’t know what she wants to do when she grows up? I think it’s being a life coach. But I don’t know for sure and spending $7,000 to find out seems like quite a leap. Maybe it’s just the holiday doldrums.

As part of my reinvention class, I took a journey to meet a light aspect of myself. I saw a beautiful woman in white robes who showed me my own hands, glowing with bright white light. She told me to honor the ancient wisdoms. Her name was Apa-li. Although her accent and appearance made her appear to be from the Caribbean, I thought of lomi lomi massage, which I’ve always wanted to learn. It turns out that “apali” means hilly or craggy in Hawaiian, with a slang meaning of impertinent or rude.

I don’t know what to do with this. Try to get licensed in NC? Return to CA where I can attend refresher courses at my old school for free? Search out lomi lomi classes? She also told me that if I integrate her, I would free up the block in my throat and I saw a picture of myself with creativity flowing out of my body like milk. I’ll be journeying back to spend more time with her, for sure.

It feels right to surrender to Divine guidance right now. But I can’t help wishing the Divine was a little more process-minded. I’m a practical mystic who would like a numbered list of tasks at the end of her inner travels!

That seems a good start. I liked my job in the publishing company. I liked my job at the graduate psychology school. Sure, there were days that I didn’t want to go to work, but in general, I liked those jobs. This job? Not so much.

My thoughts yesterday evening sounded something like this. “Ugh. Boss is back today after 4 days out last week. He’ll probably want me to work. What if he wants to know what I did last week? I did nothing. What am I going to do tomorrow? I have to call on that bill. I hope they don’t cancel his training. I don’t care. I don’t want to go to work. I hope he has a lot of meetings. What else am I qualified to do? Ummm…other admin stuff? Some light accounting? Ugh. Maybe I can call in sick. I’m not sick. I feel sick. That’s just sick of the job, not sick sick. I need the benefits. And the paycheck. At least I can write there. I shouldn’t do that at work. I should work at work. But he’s never there. I really don’t want to go in…”

I have a few tasks. I could, I don’t know, get really organized again. I could move all the crap out of my office into the lounge and set up my boss’s new monitor. That would eat part of a day. I could write up admin procedures. Hmmm, that’s not a bad idea. It would eat time. I wish I was still in publishing. I wish I was working in massage therapy. I wish I wasn’t HERE but I don’t know what else will pay me this salary so I can get out of debt and get out of here. I think I need an attitude transplant.

This may seem petty, but I really hate what I consider the “fluffy” parts of my job. In some ways, I’m hardcore when it comes to work. I don’t care if it’s your birthday and don’t care if you notice mine. I don’t want to spend more than five minutes deciding what food to order and if you’re getting FREE food at work, shut up and be grateful. I hate planning or even being part of the little “feel good” events at work. I recognize that they’re an important part of creating a good atmosphere and retaining good employees. I get that. I just don’t want to have anything to do with it. I may care if you’re getting married or leaving or whatever, but don’t ask me to disrupt the actual work we’re doing to make a production out of it. Don’t bother me with what sort of beverages we should serve and if we should get this or that sandwich.

Like I said, I get that this is important to many people. I even get that there’s contradiction in me writing about how I want work to be more worky on this site. I just don’t care about any of it. Guess what I’m doing today? Driving to a freaking Olive Garden to pick up food for the lunch meeting because someone’s leaving. This is someone that I think we were blessed to have work with us and with whom I want us to have a great working relationship, but must I go into mall traffic to prove that?! I swear, if anyone says ANYTHING other than “thank you” about the food, I’ll dig their eyes out of their skull with my pen and then wipe it off and get back to taking minutes because it’s a much-needed MEETING. At WORK.

I’m the shoulder for a few people at work when it comes to their personal problems and I’m fine with that. I like hearing about people’s lives. I just want it to be a brief detour and then for us all to do what we’re being paid to do. I like showing coworkers that they’re valued here and seen as more than just machines. But this whole culture of cake and food and sitting around feeling all fuzzy instead of giving people the real resources and support they need rubs me the wrong way. I guess it’s the fact that people expect it that bugs me. That they think it’s the Right Thing to Do when in fact it’s just a very nice thing to do if we have time and remember to do it.

End of rant. Sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings. See, I care about that here. ;)

Part of me thinks that it makes no sense to start thinking about what kind of job would make me happier when I need a steady income now through 2010 to get rid of my debt. Part of me thinks that I can start taking a class or two now, building skills, meeting people, exploring new options so that I’m readier for the leap once the debt is gone. A big part of me looks at the fact that by then I’ll be a 41 year old with mostly admin work on her resume and wants to lie down for a loooong nap.

A lot of people would like to have a job like mine. It’s secure, the benefits are decent, the pay is competitive, it’s near my apartment and my boss thinks I’m doing a good job. Why then the sense of dread when I’ve got the whole week stretching before me this Monday morning? I’m definitely frustrated at the lack of leadership; it’s been a year since our last director left and our interim directors haven’t had enough time here to effectively lead. I’m feeling guilty over the fact that I get applauded for putting in minimal effort. At the same time, I dread losing time for 43T, etc. at work when it becomes busier. Am I just impossible to please?

I hate to think of me spending 40+ hours a week marking time for the next 2.5 years. There are times that I enjoy this job and I’m awed by the passion and commitment of some of our faculty members. It does look good on the resume and there are learning opportunities here.

Well, this has been a long entry and I’ve gained no clarity whatsoever. Perhaps I’ve just overgoaled and burnt out. There are only so many areas I can work on at once. I guess it makes sense to see what a new director brings and how the job will change. Sigh. I’ve still got 38 hours to go…