Create a great intimate relationship

I still think about her a lot, and I’ve noticed that when she doesn’t hear from me for a while she’ll text me, or chat with me online. I know she’s not ready for more than friendship right now, though. And maybe all this means we wouldn’t be right together anyway…or maybe it’s just bad timing.

Either way, I’ve also realized I can’t jump right back into dating—I’m not ready for it, I still have strong feelings for C and it wouldn’t be fair to another woman to date her while I’m emotionally unavailable. I’m going back to focusing on me for awhile, getting things going with school and continuing to better my financial situation. But I will admit, I still hold out hope that the right time will come along with C. She’s really an amazing person, and I think we fit well together in many ways…both with our similarities and our differences. Plus, she motivates the hell outta me!

Sigh. Long story short, she was worried about hurting me because I seemed more emotionally involved than she was, and that that could cause problems in our mutual circle of friends, the support and stability of which are very important to her right now, after the bad year she just went through. So, we’re going to be friends for now. It was quite painful at first, and I still have some hope that things could change, but I’m forcing myself to get back on the dating website and things like that. I think I’m ok now. I know the right one will come along when the time is right.

...until she returns. :) I’m kind of amazed at how much I’m looking forward to that. We never seem to run out of things to talk about, though I know part of that is how recently we met, but also we have a lot of shared interests, and we’re just very attracted to each other, on many levels. I’m still keeping my eyes open, reminding myself not to just dive in head-first…but I’m also enjoying every minute of this giddy anticipation. A good example: I needed to walk to Barnes & Noble to return a book yesterday, which is about half an hour away, and the weather was very warm…but there I was, walking along, enjoying the sun on my back, the breeze in my face, the trees, the blue sky, and the thoughts of C…thinking what a contrast it was from just six months ago…thinking, “Does life get much better than this?”

Well, I’m back. I met a girl in May of 2007, a week before I was scheduled to fly out to meet my over-the-phone friend. This girl and I really hit it off. I still flew out to meet my friend, and she and I did get a bit intimate…although gay, she’d never yet actually been with a woman, and wanted me to be her first, which was very flattering…and she was (and is) a very dear friend. I couldn’t get the new girl out of my mind though.

To condense a bit, this girl and I got VERY involved VERY quickly…she moved in within a month. It was a long honeymoon for a couple of months, then things began to crop up here and there. At the time, I thought they were sort of normal-ish misunderstandings and differences, but I can now look back and see them for what they were—signs of things to come. I basically wound up devoting my whole life to her and her physical and psychological issues for over a year, getting very little sleep and doing things for her I never should have, and just not taking care of myself at all. We broke up many times, and the final time was in the middle of December 2008, after which she ended up in and out of mental facilities, and then moving across the country to live with her parents.

It took me a couple months, but I did what I had to do to start rebuilding my life and getting back to being my normal happy self. I think I’m better for the experience; a better judge of character, less impulsive and emotionally driven, and more certain of who I am and how much I like myself, and what things I want to work on. The last few months, as a single woman taking charge of her life again, reconnecting with friends and family and making new friends, have been some of my happiest.

About a month ago, after having gone on a date here and there with several girls, I met C at a friend’s party. She and I stayed up all night talking…then went to lunch with her friends the next day…then accepted their invitation to join them in San Francisco that night and the next day. Needless to say, we got along well. For the drive down to SF, she bought a little book full of “what if”-type questions at a local novelty shop, and as she drove, I read the questions, and we shared our answers, learning more about each other. That night, after dinner with the friends, we went for a walk…both knowing we wanted to find a place to finally kiss each other. We talked as we walked…she said how she was nervous and needed time, and began telling me some things about her for which she’d been criticized by past partners. I responded with some of my own; we’d both gotten out of bad relationships around the same time, and were cautious and somewhat guarded. At last, we found a little park facing the bay, and a bench at the side of the path through it…sat and talked for a while, holding hands…and when we finally kissed…words cannot describe it. I won’t even try here. :) I’ll simply say it was different from any other kiss I’ve experienced.

We both want to take things slowly, and the fact that she’s out of the state for another 3.5 weeks now helps us stick to that. :) We’re getting to know each other better via text and email and online chat and occasionally even video chat. I really like most of the things I’ve learned about her: she’s very responsible, yet can still be spontaneous; she’s very dedicated and persistent when she’s decided to do something; she’s quite intelligent and educated, shares my love of words; and she’s an artist. Paints and draws and oh, her writing… :) We disagree on a few things, which has already resulted in some stimulating discussion, and doubtlessly will continue to do so. In many ways, she is the complete opposite of my ex-girlfriend. And that is a wonderful thing.

I’m very much looking forward to seeing where this leads.

A lot has happened since I last posted here. The gist of the current situation is that I’ve managed to simultaneously develop a more-than-just-friendship relationship with my best friend of the last year (over the phone—we’ve never yet met in person, as she lives in another state) AND find an amazing woman through a dating website, who lives a couple of hours away. I’ll probably be meeting both of them within the next few weeks. Oh boy. I’m excited and terrified at the same time.

And then, there are a couple of local women I’ve been on a date or two with, and had a lot of fun. Why does it always have to be feast or famine??

There were some things I’d been wanting to tell M running through my mind at various times over the last week or so (both positive and negative), and, figuring I had nothing to lose, I got up the guts to write an email and actually hit the send button. I didn’t hear back the next day, but I don’t know how often she checks it, and also I only half-expected a response. Well, long story short, she responded last night, and we exchanged a number of emails within a couple of hours. It actually went very well, considering—we each understood where the other was coming from, and agreed that we aren’t right for each other, at least not right now, since we want different things in the relationship department. I felt a bit better after that. :)

...I’ve actually been on dates with three different women!

One is probably too much like M, not to mention the fact that her girlfriend just broke up with her a week before I met her, and so she’s in no way ready for anything serious. So although the chemistry is there, I’m forcing myself to stay away from anything more than friendship with her.

Another is very sweet, and a cute girl, though a little more femme than my usual “type.” She’s also a bit quiet, and is only 24. I like her, and she’s fun to dance with, but sadly there are no sparks flying for me. I wish there were, since she seems like the type who would make a very caring and attentive girlfriend.

The third is a friend of a friend, and we’ve now been out together a couple of times. She’s fun, sweet, cute, etc. Definitely not quiet, and closer to my age than the other two. I found out Sunday night that she gets pretty frisky when she’s had a few drinks too! So…what’s my hold-up with her? I can’t really put my finger on it. I like her, and enjoyed kissing her, but for some reason something is holding me back. Maybe it’s just that I need more time to get over M and move on?

After not hearing much of anything from M all week, I saw her out at the bar with some mutual friends last night. I saw her making out with a friend of a friend. Granted, there’s no official attachment between us, no rules, and she was drinking… A short time later, she came over to me and kissed me. I kissed her back, and asked if I was taking her home with me or if I should find some other girl to go home with. (Not that I really would…necessarily.) I told her I’d much prefer to take her home. She kissed me again, then wandered off after a little more conversation. A few minutes later, I looked over to see her making out with the first girl again. At that point I knew I couldn’t handle any more, so I left. I ran into some friends and went to the nearby burger place with them, then on my way home I sent M a text message: “You’re killing me, girl. I can’t do this anymore.” I got a drunken response from her. So today, figuring that she wouldn’t remember that, I told her basically that I wanted her to know I didn’t think she’d done anything wrong, since obviously she can make out with whoever she wants, but I just can’t handle watching her do it right in front of me, especially right after kissing me. I told her that my feelings for her were too much for me to be able to deal with that. She apparently didn’t recall having kissed me. I ended the text exchange with “So yeah. I can’t hang. Sorry.” Ha. Hopefully I got my point across. (Her fantastically expressive response was, “k”.)

As opposed to the last time I tried to end things with her, I’ve removed the keychain she gave me from my keyring, as well as getting rid of a few other reminders of her. I also made my best long-distance friend promise to talk me out of it if I was tempted to date M again.

On a more positive note, I met a girl Wednesday night, and spent Friday evening with her. She’s recently out of a relationship and thus not ready to jump into anything, which is really a good thing, and we got along extremely well and had a great time. :)

So…we’re both stubborn girls, M and I. Friday the 19th, the day after we talked via text and voice and decided to keep seeing each other, she came down and spent the night with me. I cooked dinner, and we watched “Willow” and played computer games. She wasn’t feeling great, so we went to bed and just laid there talking about random topics for a while before falling asleep. We both had things we had to do the next day, so she left around 2pm. I saw her briefly again that Sunday night, as we have a regular little party at our mutual friend’s house to watch “The L-Word.” We had fun playing card games and watching the show, and got to make out a little…teehee. (Don’t I sound like a teenager?)

We exchanged a few text messages during the week, but each conversation was initiated by me. So when I hadn’t heard from her Thursday or Friday (figuring it was her turn to invite me to get together, since I’d done the inviting the previous weekend, and I guess am still looking for confirmation that she wants to spend time with me), I made plans to meet a girl I’d only communicated with online up to that point – we’ll call her K.

K and I met for coffee, and had a great time talking, so we went to dinner at a nearby restaurant. During the conversation, I learned that she, too, loves to dance, and that it had been a while since she’d gone to the major local gay bar to do so. So, when the restaurant was near closing, I suggested dragging her out to Faces for some dancing. We went, and danced until they closed. I drove her back to her car, and we ended up sitting in my car and talking until after the sun came up! We’re very similar in a lot of ways, and she’s very funny, intelligent, and interesting. I’ve invited her to a party my “straight friends” are having this Friday. :)

Back to M…I wish I wasn’t so back-and-forth about her. I didn’t hear from her Friday or most of Saturday, and I mentioned this to a mutual friend of ours while chatting Saturday afternoon. A short time later, I got a text from M asking what I did Friday night. I told her I’d gone to dinner and Faces with a friend, and asked what she’d done. She said she hadn’t done anything, and that she’d had to get up early Saturday to take a road trip with her friends. I knew the mutual friend must have said something to her, since the timing was just too good, and sure enough, she told me she’d heard I was looking for her. I said no, I’d only mentioned that I hadn’t heard from her. She said she hadn’t heard from me either…haha. I told her I figured she’d let me know if she wanted to see me, that I’d been the one to invite her down the previous weekend, and didn’t want to make her feel pressured or anything. She said she’d thought I would tell her if I wanted to hang out. So yeah…stubborn, us.

We’ve both (M and I) been invited to a drag king show this coming Saturday by one of those mutual friends, so we’ll see what happens, I guess. At least we’re both done with the PMS now!

But then, I guess I kinda knew that. I’ve been unable to get her off my mind all week, even having to choke back tears on occasion, despite keeping myself busy.

We corresponded via text a lot today, and to condense, she told me how she really didn’t want it to be over, that she was “broken up over this,” that she likes me a lot and has feelings for me but just doesn’t want to “be with anyone right now”...I eventually asked her to call me later, as text messages aren’t the best form of communication. She said she’d be off work at 11:30p, and I told her that was fine. But then she called me about 15 minutes later. We talked for a while, and I told her I’d give the dating thing another shot. Amazingly, I feel back to normal again! Well, for me anyway… ;)