feel deeply and passionately, even when it hurts

It’s worth it!!

on the top part of my computer screen, it now reads: ” Congratulations! you’ve finished feel deeply and passionately, even when it hurts” .... wow! i sure hope the computer is wrong about this one!! that is something i’ve always done, and hopefully never finish doing! i truely believe you waste a huge part of your life by being afraid to feel, and im talking about ANY kind of feelings… how can you realy experiance something if youre only half there, while the other half of you is watching from a safe distance… only when you throw yourself in to the deep end completely is when you enjoy the best life has to offer!!

A lot of changes and potential changes in my life right now. I’m trying to commit to making some realistic and lasting changes, like the vegetarianism and the move back to New England. I’m so scared its all talk in the wind and goals will fade and nothing much will happen. Or I’ll fight hard for goals and not have chosen the right ones. Just very afraid right now. I can admit that to you and it helps. It hfeels better to say it. I don’t know you. But thanks for reading. Its just that I’ve never done well with the idea of a grey area. Everything is so absolute do or die for me. I’m trying desprately to shake that. Got my b/f to give me the email addy of a friend who ditched his career and is back in college studying to become a history professor. I’m very curious how hes feeling now a year into it. What are your thoughts? Have you made any permanant changes? Any regrets? It hurts a lot to take a really long look at myself. I’d like to be a little bit less emotional and a little more thoughtful. I’m so wound up now I’ve been sick all weekend. Thats not helping any. I need to remember that change what I can, get on with what I can’t and know the difference thing. Am coming to terms now with the idea that I don’t really believe in God either. Its getting less scary. Anyway, I’m letting my gut and my heart takes the reins right now. I feel like a charlatan with a dowsing rod tho…..hhhhmmm is this thought instinctive or can I even trust myself. I think once the waves of nausea pass tho I might be on to something. I’ll keep you posted.

I just found out that I was not hired permanently for the job I’ve been temping at for the last few months. I LOVE this job. But it was apparently not to be. So I cried in the ladies room. I guess that counts as feeling deeply. I will give myself the rest of the day to feel deeply then I will hunt down a new job.

just the simple knowledge that i am still willing and able to give my heart completely and fully and not even necessarily in a romantice matter, to someone else, to the world, to show compassion, even when the world doesn’t care or appreciate, means alot to me

It seems that like recovering from frostbite, the first sensation always seems to be pain. I’m back on my “fight for a cause” kick and am now remembering just how frustrating it can be when it doesn’t seem like I make any kind of impact at all. Remember the first time you fell in love? The butterflies? I remember once as a teenager, being so excited by getting a letter from a boy I was madly in love with that I jumped up and down on my bed until I hit my head on the ceiling and knocked myself out. I miss that. Holding hands is perfunctory now. I can kiss and be kissed pretty much any time I want but it doesn’t seem to reach my gut anymore. I don’t need the newest cheap thrill or the ultimate earned satisfaction. I just don’t want t o be numb to the process anymore. I’m out on a limb everyday and if you don’t think you are too then you’re kidding yourself. Every moment is taking a risk as to what the next moment will hold. Who knows what it holds? Could be ‘hey, I can ride a bike”, or “I think he smiled at me”, or “hmmm, maybe gravity isn’t real” or “I’ll never do THAT again”. I want to live without a net. I’m really putting myself out there now, but I think I can be ok with that. Besides, they human body isn’t all that capable of specifically remembering the sensation of pain, it only feels it while its happening. I want to feel whats happening now. Maybe it will be goosebumps? I just have to keep remembering to let myself feel.