find out why I'm no good at relationships

I think the first step to doing that is actually getting over the person that will never ever ever love me back.
And maybe stop desperately looking for a guy everywhere.
Start being nice instead of shy.

I was looking in the wrong place. Maybe I wasn’t that broken, just with women who were too sane. Maybe us two lunatics are fine running our own asylum. It’s sucks sometimes, but she seems to know when to be invisible and when to climb in my window, in spite of having a key, to tell me she’s scared of the noise she heard, but was too drunk to drive, so figured walking halfway across the city by herself at night was safer than staying in her own bed.

How could I not be happy to see her in one piece at this point? I’m drunk she’s still here, like she cares but doesn’t say if I’m better drunk or better sober cos that would be telling me what to do she knows I hate being told what to do. So she yells when I’m not thinking enough (drunk) and hugs me when I think too much (sober). If she’s been invisible for more than four days I start stalking her till she talks to me.

She likes me Parking an sixteen tonne truck outside her work to bring her a poem I wrote while waiting for gravel at the quarry and thought my workmates would crucify me for if they saw it in our truck so I had to drop it off now. She knows full well I’ve been writing it for a month but pretends she doesn’t.

Could this be what it’s like to be happy?

When we have no choice but to be apart things are so much better. That and knowing when exactly we’ll see each other. Means there’s none of those “what are you doing wanna come over” when really I’m to tired to be arsed and want to be alone, but knowing if I say that she might get all hurt I don’t want to see her. When we do catch up it’s awesome cos we get like two nights and one whole day till I’m away again and we make the most of it. She knows Sunday night to let me sort out my shit without me even having to say it. When all our conversations are mainly by phone it forces me actually talk to her which seems to be a bonus so far.

Plus she’s making more money than me now so she’s more independent than she was at the begining.
Her ex basically took care of her for two years and I thought maybe she expected me to do the same.
seeing her own her own two feet and knowing I helped her do that I figure I must be doing something right.

I know who I am, and sort of proud of it, but it means I can’t let anyone too close (except by letting it all out over the net.) she doesn’t even know i still do this (43things). There’s so much that almost comes out but then I think “fuck that’ll sound wierd to her” I’ve known three women who’ve said tell me what you’re thinking I really want to know and upon hearing the truth whished they’d never asked. Being all quasi-stoic and silent doesn’t work either, not least because she thinks I’m mad at her or being “difficult”.

I can’t sit with the boys at work and talk about this cos, well honestly They’re my mates I’d go to war for them but I don’t wanna talk about real emotional personal shit with them. All my other mates are also her mates, and given the way i was being a couple of weeks back if it goes under she won’t be the one they cut off. I guess I’m not top flash on friendship either.

I just can’t deal with examining a relationship, finding a new job and being sober. I can’t do everything at once this will be a work in progess for another day.

I’m so used to fighting I don’t realise when the end is finally here and this fight she’s not going to forgive me for. I’m not going to drink my way through this, I’m not going to screw some random to make myself feel better. I don’t know how to recover from a relationship without that sort of self destructive shit and maybe that’s why I never learn enough to not fuck up the next one. I wish I knew what was broken in my brain that makes me such an arsehole so I could have it ripped the fuck out and not be this prick I see in the mirror anymore. I try to be a good boyfriend, I haven’t lied since we got back together, I’ve never cheated, I make little presents to cheer her up when i know she’s having a bad day. But it’s not enough. If any other did this he’d be her god but I’ll always be that fucked up guy she met that time and he was bleeding from the head and drunk as a skunk and blah blah blah, and would I just stop feeling sorry for myself and have a fucking drink cause we both know I won’t last. I’ll always be ‘in recovery’ like somehow my soberiety passes jugdement on her once a week binge drinking. I’m never home during the week and I could get a different job but I like this one. I could go see her more often, go to dinner with her family and NOT call her mother a racist, even though she is. But then I wouldn’t be me, I’m pretty sure I need to change who I am but do I want to be who she wants me too?