I made an illegal U-turn and a car honked its horn at me and it hurt my feelings. 13 hours ago

I feel like crying right now… I feel like such a disappointment. Even looking over my goals on here reminds me of how far I have to go, so far that I may never accomplish some of them, which makes me feel like even more of a failure. I guess some of the things require someone to do them with me, and before I knew in my mind who that person would be… but now things are up in the air between us, I cant see them ever happening. Im such a fraud.

This entry links in with yesterdays ‘find love’ one and the mood Im in has slowly crept over me since then so that now I find myself engulfed in this lowness so far that I cant see a way out, a way to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I feel as though I deserve this, that I bring it on myself. Right now, I feel like Im mourning the loss of my best friend even though he’s still in my life, I feel like i’ve made a mistake, that my actions have brought with them consequences I should have considered before in more detail. I don’t know what my feelings toward him are anymore and I wish I could have figured them out before we went down this ‘relationship’ road. If things don’t work out, the blame is all mine. I feel so stupid, I feel weak for letting myself be open to the idea, and a failure for letting my vulnerability get the better of me. Im looking at this all negatively even though it might not be the case, but having him be there for me was sooo nice that now I dont know if mistook my feelings or if they are genuine.

How is it that can you not trust how you feel?

He’s the one person that has been there for me consistently, even if his motives were for it to develop further, I knew I could rely on him. I don’t know what Id do without him, Id be left with no one. I don’t make friends easily, sometimes I wonder if I even know how.

I think, a lot of it has to do with me preferring clear lines between things, now I feel everything is a jumbled mess and I caused it all. We went years and years being JUST friends… now its all in jeopardy. 1 week ago

Dove, Inc. has been doing a lot of late to fight against the beauty images that have become so common in the US. A few months ago the released a video that actually showed how self-critical women are of themselves (can be seen here). Today, I found this article which tells about Dove’s sneak attack on people who use Photo Shop to “enhance” beauty. I thought it was a rather brilliant social experiment and applaud Dove for attempting to change how society perceives women as beautiful. 1 week ago

I’m really struggling with feelings of mediocrity. I talk to my family and friends and boyfriend, and they all respond with “no, you’re not mediocre, you’re brilliant!” or, “no, you’re better than everybody else not the other way round!” – this is all lovely and so incredibly supportive of them, and I can tell they really want me to feel better – but I don’t.

I KNOW I’m mediocre. I’ve just completed my degree that has taken three years of slogging my guts to achieve, and I’m going to get a crappy mark (I’ve worked it out, I’m not just been defeatist) even though I’ve nearly killed myself trying to do well. I’ve been very ill through this last year, but I don’t want that to be an excuse for why I’ve done badly. All of my close friends have received wonderful accolades, awards, and opportunities as a result of the course, Texprint 2013, New Designers 2013, people approaching them for their skill. I’ve got nothing, not even a half decent grade.

I’m feeling so badly about my own abilities right now. I was always told I was an incredibly talented and intelligent child, and I could achieve whatever I wanted, and at that time I was all of those things. What changed? Why am I such a failure now? Blah :( 1 week ago

sheeesh… a long, tiring May is fortunately over and I can finaly enjoy 43T as much as I like and to pamper myself a bit. This weekend I decided to spend at a spa with my Mum, it`s always been Her dream to visit one and mine – to fulfill this dream :o) Seeing Her being happy – priceless!
There are still few weeks left to enjoy my 2-week-long holidays but my head is already there. I can`t wait – especially since we`ll be visitig lots of new places this year. Keep your fingers crossed so nothing bad happens ;o) 2 weeks ago

I’m important, I know I am, but for some reason, I have to constantly find faults with myself. That truly makes me sad, so I’m changing my perspective and will remind myself of the good things about me every single day! Because, lets face it, I’m awesome! 2 weeks ago

every time i skiped doing this or that, every time i pushed myself into back burner, every time i broke a promise towards myself, it chiped away a peace of my loving and accepting who am i. towering mountains of guilt and stupidity, overshadowing everything. no intention of living my life in that shadow any more. 2 weeks ago

(sorry i need to discuss this with myself on deeper level) kako sam se baš toliko razočarala? počelo je to s 10 godina života koje sam podredila pospremanju, neuspjeha u tome, zaključka da to ne mogu učiniti sama, i odustajanja od toga da podredim svoj život bilo čemu. heureka! u tom trenu zapravo sam počela živjeti, jer ako sam sve prije toga podredila nečemu, onda nije postojalo. onda se nemam u što razočarati jer nema objekta razočarenja.
ali dobro ako nema objekta to ne znači da nema subjekta razočarenja. ono što me je razočaralo je jaz između očekivanog i konkretnog. taj jaz trebalo bi da me potakne a ne razočara. problem nije u jazu nego u umiranju entuzijazma. odustajanjem od projekta u koji sam unijela toliko entuzijazma, kao da izgubih pristup do entuzijazma samog. zašto? zato što ga nisam unosila ni u što osim u taj projekt.
lažem, unosila sam ga i u svakodnevno gubljenje vremena u kvaziproduktivne aktivnosti, tj. ono što sam smatrala gubljenjem vremena jer nije donosilo rezultat. zapravo se ustanovilo da ne da nije donosilo rezultat, nego nije donosilo onaj rezultat koji sam ja očekivala.
rezultat je bio da sam se osjećala entuzijastično. ono što sam ja očekivala kao rezultat je bilo da učinim nešto, da pomaknem svoj život.
entuzijazam je bio bitan dio moje osobnosti. ali entuzijazam nema prekidač pa da se pali i gasi prema želji. entuzijazam je vatra kojoj se dodaju cjepanice i kisik, u suprotnom je nema. cjepanice su bile te vesele tričarije koje su mi tako puno značile, kao što je 34T. pa makar satima sortirala svoje ciljeve, dodavala tagove itd. pa ako i ništa nisam “postigla”, postigla sam to da se osjećam dobro, a to je nemali uspjeh.
kako je moj odnos u kalupu odnosa mog oca prema meni; divim se sebi kad nešto napravim dobro. ali je i u kalupu moje mame; korim sebe ako nešto ne napravim savršeno. trebam od mog dragog naučiti kako voljeti sebe; onako kako me on voli. o Bože! to ne mogu niti zamisliti…

...ah da mi je diskreirati lance prošlosti…
želim dopustiti osjećaj ljubavi neka uđe u moj život tako da ja osjetim 2 weeks ago

i don’t remember feeling of loving myself. liking ,yes. being proud of, yes. but loving? i beleive i marked it as done in some moment of getting used to idea of loving myself.

i feel resentment towards me getting into this situation. but thank Godess it is turning around. but my attitude towards myself can’t be reflection of what i do or don’t. ... well, it can’t, but it is! relashionship with myself is as any other relashionship: what you give is what you get.

that leads me to conclusion that i can’t afford myself any resentment if i want to get something else. 2 weeks ago

I have been living with myself for 17 years and I still don’t know me, I have been working for a year trying to improve myself but, its like I am stuck at the last mile and I want to finish this race! I want to be myself and to shine! 2 weeks ago

I have notes that I am always in this self-pity state. . I don’t know why :( I really need to stop it. 2 weeks ago

I’m getting the impression lately, the for men, my first impression is one of sexuality. I’m actually feeling a lot like Samantha from Sex And The City. I’ve enjoying it over the past few years because it’s something I missed out on when I was in high school and didn’t realize I had going on in college. Plus it’s just nice to be told you’re a very sexy girl. However, I think this is starting to be at odds with my desire to find a romantic relationship and I’m not what to do about that. Or even if I can. So what do I do? 2 weeks ago

I always sneered at this saying thinking it was egotistic but not if you look at it the right way. I’m slowly realising that loving who you are encompasses more than appearance but what makes you, you. Loving yourself means how you look after you. Being healthy, exercising, taking the time every day or every week to do something just for you. I think this is a very important goal for me to build healthy relationships with the people I care about in my life. I have just recently come out of an abusive relationship and I am broken but I am willing to pick up the pieces 3 weeks ago

I saw myself in the kitchen mirror and saw a beautiful, young, smart, mature, intelligent person staring back. I looked in to her eyes and saw that wow, wouldn’t I love this beautiful person? Her hair, her eyes, her nose, her body ?

I felt love for her. I saw that she was strong. 3 weeks ago

whats up people of 43things, long time no see :)
so this past months things has been diffrent. i have a boyfriend now, many new friends, more freedom. . in other word, life is so good to me right now and I haven’t been unloving myself for a while, something that feels good because I got a cute boyfriend that loves me for me. Something I personally i’m not a big fan of because I feel like he is felling my unlove myself hole for me. . what will happen if he breaks up with me, will I start disliking myself again. .? that is why I have decided to start this therapy again, so that I can fell my own hole :) 3 weeks ago

It sucks to be your own worst enemy. I just noticed that I’m looking for love outside rather than filling myself with self-love. I try to make myself fall in love with guys. No wonder, i dont have any friends at all. If i do have any friends, I just focus on that guy who i try to fall in love with. I try to fall in love with him by looking at his pictures and putting on a song. I know that my heart is telling me that he isnt the one. I keep ignoring my heart’s cry for past 11 years. I should put a stop to this. I also realized that it takes a lot of strength and courage to follow your heart. Guess I’m a coward!!

The good news is that I have found out a solution to my problem. It is meditation. My thoughts are taking over my life. I am living my life outward instead of inward. No wonder, my life is fucked up. 3 weeks ago