relinquish control

I find myself in a 12 step program, originating from other people’s problems that have no seeped into my life and discolored my existence. I am constantly anxious, it shows in my weak stomach and my need to control everything around me. I would like to get to the point where fear doesnt control my life. To the outside world, I have it totally together, but inside, I know this is only a facade. I am a scared little girl in the body of a successful 23 year old woman. In 2009 I will continue to put myself in uncomfortable situations, take deep breaths, and believe that it will all be okay. As hard as it is to accept, everything will work out if I am not in control. I can sit back and let a “power greater than myself” help me. Even typing it I dont fully believe it. A work in progress…

Pushing through to achieve my goals can sometimes cause others to push me away.
I am too intimidating. I push too hard.
I’ll relax my fist and open my palms to what the world has to offer me.

I’m not a religious person, but I do value the following prayer:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

It is time to step back. I suppose I am afraid of being forgotten and fading into nonexistence in the minds of those I love and cherish. If that’s to be, however, then that’s just the way it is. And I deserve more- I should not have to kick and scream just to remain in existence in the minds and memories of others.
I deserve to be loved and cherished as well. And I know this.
I think that’s where the frustration comes in.

I actually care deeply about people, though I come across as nonsocial. But I cannot control them. I can only focus and control myself.

And then yesterday I was realizing some assumptions I have about our upcoming move: specifically, that I am more focused and organized and better at this than everybody else (especially my partner). Woah, where did that come from?

I sent him an email and asked him what he’d like to focus on this weekend, and we’re working together on that approach. It’s sort of a strange feeling, but it also feels good to see my sweetie feel energized by moving forward in the way that works best for him, and to know that I don’t really have to be in charge of everything to prevent the world from falling apart.

that things go great when I am in charge of them. Just look at all my completed things. I feel complete confidence in my ability to make things happen.

But it’s exhausting being in charge of everything (or… thinking you are). It’s lonely not to trust others to help.

Thus another new goal that goes together with this one.

If I let go of control