Understand my mother

She lived in times that are hard for us to relate to, late revolutionary Mexico.

I don’t know what I would do, if I were a teenage woman, arrested by the police for being political.

She has more courage than she will admit to.

My mother and i used to be extremely close, but about a year ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Many people tried to tell me that things would go back to “normal” when it was all over. Things like her physical appearance and my scheduele did, but not our relationship. Cancer changed my mother, it changed me, it changed our entire family and view on life. And one of the things that upsets me the most is that i no longer belong to that cliche: you’ll both be stronger once you get through this.

My mother and I are polar opposites. Sometimes I wish that we were closer, but I’m coming to understand that it is our extreme differences that have helped me to shape who I am. My mother raised me well in a loving and caring environment. She instilled some amazing morals in me and created a strong foundation on which I have built my life on. But she also imposed many of her own strong personal beliefs, particularly about faith and religion, upon me. It is her faith that I cannot understand. It is her faith that I have questioned in my own life. I would love to understand what it is my mother feels when she prays. As someone who completely rejects religions as an institution, I want to understand how my mother could feel so connected to a church. And in seeking out the answers, I often find myself in the same position that we always end up in: her trying to convert me and pull me back in. I want to understand how her faith works for her. I want to understand that connection that she has with her god that I cannot seem to make. And i want her to share it with me, without trying to force it back upon me.

and worth it, because I’ve decided that in some ways I do understand my mother. She went through a lot during her divorce after 25 years of marriage, many things happened that I probably will never know about, and that changed who she was. And maybe I don’t like the things that changed, but I can understand why they changed. And there are somethings I won’t understand about her, but there are things about all people that I don’t understand. So I will try not to get frustrated with her life, it’s not my life, and there’s no reason to get frustrated. If there’s something I don’t like, I don’t have to get myself involved. Worth it, because in deciding that I understand some things about her, I now understand some things about life and myself.

Not to be a wet rag but one of the best things I’ve done is let it/her go. That’s not to say I’m not polite, cordial, even entertaining when we find ourselves at family events but I’ve also learned the very hard way to create boundaries necessary to maintain peace and harmony. For me, I needed to stop trying to understand her (or think that she had any interest in understanding me) but determine what I can accept and limit my interactions with her to that. I find it easier to keep it event specific. If/when she tries to go outside of those boundaries: ignore it/let it go until I have to reestablish boundaries with her, in a polite yet definitive way. It may not be for everyone but it is infinitely better than replaying, rehashing the first 25 years. However you decide to tackle it, good luck!

i don’t know if this is a fully attainable goal. i understand that my mother wants love in her life. i just don’t understand her choice to love this man. this is not someone she ever would have found acceptable to be around her children… yet now it is acceptable to have this creepy person around her grandchildren. hmmmmmmm. and now she’s marrying him.