save my marriage

The marriage is still iffy, but we are both trying; that’s a lot better than before.

I seem to be floundering a bit. I’m of two minds; I want to stay in both worlds, but know I must choose.

One of the women from my past that I had stopped emailing contacted me yesterday. The conversation was strictly platonic, but it started my desires heading in the wrong direction again. I’m trying to let go, but it is hard at times. She came along at a time when there was no intimacy in my marriage. I would be lying if I said I don’t miss this woman, but things are getting better in my marriage and I don’t want to screw it up. It is still difficult for me to not stay in contact with this woman, but my wife deserves my attention and love.

It’s an odd thing, but I’ve found that sometimes when you pretend something is good it starts actually being good. At first I was going through the motions, but each day it seems more real. I think we are going to be okay. I still have my doubts, but I think the ice is melting.

My wife and I had a good talk tonight about our goals and our life together. Then we walked on the beach, talking and laughing – it felt good, like we were coming back.

We’re reading to each other in bed now. Also touching more. We seem to be reconnecting.

Today I said goodbye to two women friends that were fulfilling my emotional needs. Each of those two relationships, though not physical, made us feel alive. Now, though, my wife is trying to reconnect with me and she deserves all of my attention. Perhaps this is a first step upwards to get over the wall my wife and I have built between us. We’ll see.

We’re back from our two day trip. Things went pretty well. After many years of nothing, she is trying now. I need to try too. It’s just that it has been so long and now it feels like too little too late. I feel bad about feeling this way, but I’d like to live separately. I’m not ready to take that leap though. For now I’ll try to stick it out; I think our long history together is worth it.

We’re taking a two day trip together. I’m hoping for the best.

Last weeks tasks done (Busy week!)
1. Removed my profile from an online dating site.
2. Stopped flirting with a guy at work.
3. H cooked a meal for me.
4. Arranged to stay the long bank holiday weekend with him.
5. H and I discussed possibly moving house (together) to help start afresh.

This weeks things to do,
1. I would like to buy H a small and thoughtful gift to say thank you for a lovely weekend. Must think hard, suggestions welcome.
2. Buy theatre tickets for a show we would both like to see.
3. Remember to sign off every email / text with a kiss.

Have to say that this has all been hard work and I do worry that I will run out of ideas soon enough. It is a constant ringing in my head and I do not doubt that even if we do get through this that making a marriage work takes thought every single day, big and small ways. Tiring week
So please any ANY ANY suggestions would be helpful.

I now know that I want family life more than I want to argue about how clean the house is. Gosh, how sad was I?

Wishing everyone else tackling this all the very best each and every day.