go to sri lanka

Yes, I have come here hunderds of times and have some pretty good things going; so if you want to come over and help, you are welcome!!

FS

Hey, I finally did it, I went to Sri Lanka and met my family for the very first time. It was amazing. Sri lanka is a very beautiful place, and I am so proud to say I have been there. x

It’s happening!...I’ve gone through quite a few plan changes but it should be all set for by february…I am going to sri lanka in February…...sooo excited!

It’s home….and i want to keep going back home..havent been back in 5 years so the plan is to break the drought and visit at the end of this year

Day 10 (I think): We leave the eco lodge and head to Kandy, former capital of the Sri Lanka. Then next were off on the road to Kandy via a restaurant where John has a big argument with the manager because they rip off the students and charge them random prices and dont bring back their change. John uses his scary teacher voice which makes the hardest of people tear up but pretty much gets nowhere. Theres one price for tourists and one price for Sri Lankans and I think we all accept that- we are richer than them so fair enough, why not make a bit of cash out of us, but on occasion people have been taking the piss a bit.

So arrive in Kandy, the home of the massive Buddhist Temple of the Tooth, so called because its the eventual home of one of Buddhas actual teeth (eugh!). The story goes that it was smuggled in the hair (again, eugh!) of a princess who escaped from India to save the holy relic. Normally said tooth is hidden in the middle of the temple in a special room which the worshippers and visitors (heathen tourists like myself) have no access to but since this is the week before Perihela, the huge Buddhist Festival (happening the day after we leave), we get to pass by and peek through a little door at a box that contains the tooth and offer up a lotus flower. The temple is choc full of people wanting to do this, and we wait in line for what seems like a long time, and then the queue starts to move really quickly and before you know it you are spat out the other end, as your lotus is grabbed off you by a nervous monk and then you remember that you didnt get a look at the box, because it all happened so fast. Serves me right for making jokes about the tooth. Like the one I said to Louis about it being in a glass of Sterident inside the box. But Buddhists dont believe in hell, thats a Christian preserve, so I guess Im ok. Buddha sounds like he would like a laugh anyway. Easily a more fun guy than Mohammed.

But what a place though; absolutely beautiful with the large golden buddhas and frescoes depicting the story of the tooth (no Sterident though).

But I am jumping ahead as the first thing we do in our very brief one night stay in Kandy. No sooner do we hit the busy city, our first city in Sri Lanka (Colombo doesnt count as we didnt actually go into it), than we are ushered into a large hall to see Sri Lankan traditional dancing. Its a culture shock. For one reason- there are other westerners; we havent really seen many other Europeans for a week or so and this place is choc full of them. We skilfully avoid any Germans and sit down.

Well, my good ness- the dancing! Its fantastic and hilarious in equal measure. In Sri Lanka homosexuality is ILLEGAL, and weve been speculating about this. How illegal are we talking? Illegal-but -its-okay-really-as-long-as-it-doesnt-happen-in-front-of-me-illegal? Or illegal-but-only because we-cant-be-bothered-legalising-it-and-if we-do-then-everyone-will-want a go-illegal? Or full on illegal-and-well-send-you-down-and your-family-will-dis-own-you illegal? The latter apparently; and they do regularly send our gay friends to prison. So imagine our surprise about how gay this dance troupe were! It was like a gay burlesque revue! I quickly turned to John and whispered, I thought homosexuality was illegal and he informed me that thats exactly what Louis had just said. My eight year old son has gaydar. How should I feel about that?

So after the dancing we go out and watch the gay dancers run over some hot coals for a laugh and then the funniest part of the evening is when a street guy with a pet cobra and monkey act, lets the monkey hop onto Johns shoulder along with Eve who is already up there. Those of you who know Eve well will be surprised to find out that instead of taking an absolute fit, she was laughing albeit nervously. I am just thinking RABIES!!!!!! John smells alcohol on the monkeys breath- the man has got it pissed so it will be docile. Horrible. Then the beast hops onto Louis head and clings onto his hair. So funny as Louis has a lot of hair and the monkey is actually quite large. It stays on his head for about 3 mins photos are so funny. This has been highlight of trip so far. Oh how we laughed as we shaved his head and burnt his clothes afterwards!

We stay in colonial style Queen Elizabeth Hotel where old Louis Mountbatten stayed during the war (Sri Lankans fought in WW2 with us , you know) and the Queen stayed when she visited about 40 years ago. Back then it was the height of luxury and you can certainly see that it was once a fabulous place. It still is really but its tatty round the edges now and needing a bit of a facelift, but we loved it. And if you sat in the coffee lounge outside you could almost imagine the well heeled of 1930s British colonials sitting there being jolly racist and hatching plans of world domination over some cucumber sandwiches and copy of the Times dressed in tweed plus fours. Ahhhh just like being back in Aberdeen College with my boss, Paul.

Oh and a cockroach the size of a Jack Russell ran over my bare foot. Ah reminds me of those days as a Brazilian street kid.

Day 11: The day weve all been waiting for, the day we go to the famous, five-star and fabulous Kandalama Hotel for four nights. Woo-hoo! But theres lots planned to break up the four hour journey on the way. First off we head to the Botanical Gardens in Kandy. Were here mainly to see the fruit bats who live here in the trees. I am blown away by the bats. We spot what looks like a pterodactyl in the sky. Phil tells us that the wing-span of the bats is 7 foot. They are huge! And there are hundreds of them. The closer you get, you realise that what you thought were leaves on a tree are actually hundreds of bats hanging upside down. These things will swoop down and pick off mangoes, mongustines, papayas- allsorts. They will eat 25% of their own body weight each day in fruit. I probably have the bulk of my trip video footage of the bats and Louis gets involved too and takes some really good stuff. Thats my boy!

On leaving Kandy we are taken by Sunil to Emporium of Overpriced Saris, official home of the overpriced sari. We pretty much all go hook line and sinker for the saris and part with our cash saying things like You know I will wear this often, I can see me wearing this to a wedding maybe, Its something youll never have the chance to buy again, Ill wear it at Xmas… Basically we all look wonderful in them, and get carried away but they are for the last night in Kandalama, so who cares? The trick is to realise that they are going to show you the most expensive saris first, get you dressed up in them, make you go ooooooh and then not mention that they are £100 until you get to the til. By then you are so weary you hand over your money and justify it with the comments I mentioned earlier. They played an even more mean trick on me, they dressed my daughter up in one and made her A: look really cute and B: not want to take it off. Pure evil. But in the end we got the saris we wanted for about £60 for the pair (Mines green, Eves is pink, of course) and we will wear them again, and I can see me wearing it round the house etc etc etc.blah blah blah.

Next stop a Sri Lankan bakery where we realise what eating out really costs in Sri Lanka. We all eat and drink good food for about a £1 each and the girls serving dont want tips. One actually runs after student Lois with the tip as if shes left some money behind. So there you go, not everyone is on the make.

Back on the bus. Im being uncharacteristically kinder about the bus today as No1. were getting to shop intermittently on the way, and No2: the bus is taking us to Kandalama so must be respected for that. We stop at The Overpriced Batik Emporium official home of overpriced batik. We see it being made which is quite something, the woman dresses some of the girls and an embarrassed Richard up in some and we all get relieved of our cash in the shop afterwards. After the sari session John and I play it cool. There is a lot we like but we arent prepared to pay £200 for a wall hanging. How hard can it be to do it yourself? A bit of candlewax and some cochineal and bobs your uncle. A woman follows me round the shop for an hour in the hope that Ill relent. I like the wallhanging of the Perihela- the big one- the big one costs $460 (no rupees here- this is aimed at tourists), and over the course of an hour she brings me smaller and smaller ones decreasing in size in the hope that Ill break. But I dont like it enough to spend £100 on a hanky sized version, so no deal. I may be a rich spoilt guilt ridden western idiot whose just paid 5 times over the odds for a sari shell only wear once but Im not a complete fanny. I get back on the bus and its all the woman can do to stop herself shaking her fist at me. A crowd of young boys gather at the bus and we give then chocolate and crisps, a couple of them dont have dads and John feels all guilty and goes out and playfights karate with them for 15 minutes. They have a blast. I frisk John as he gets back on the bus in case he is hiding one of them to take home. And I thought I would be the one that was in danger of coming back with a wee Sri Lankan baby tucked under my jumper.Toooo difficult.

DAY ONE: Arrive in Colombo at 2.15 am local time, thoroughly knackered. Kids were fine on plane even though duration was 11 hours. First plane meal ever to consist of curry. Novelty, feeling it may wear offSo we arrive and embark on the first mammoth bus journey on the bus that is to become our home. Our guide is the moustachioed Sunil. He is to stay with us for the next two weeks. More of Sunil, later.

So first impressions from through a bus window of Colombo is overwhelmingly how poor it is and how many packs of stray dogs there are. We must have seen thousands of them on the way to Kosgoda. We arrive as the Kosgoda Beach Resort at 5am as the light begins to come up. What a place- but we are too early and Phil, (Tour Leader and Biology teacher) has to negotiate fast with the manager who doesnt want to let us into our rooms until noon unless he gets more cash. Phil demands the rooms be opened up-theres only about ten or so people at the resort anyway (another school party from some English posh nobs school on a sports tour). Phil wins- we will see his expert bargaining skills many times again throughout the trip. Our room is spectacular with our massive bed in an arched alcove. Easily the bed can fit all four of us, pretty much without touching. And the bathroom is something out of Living etc or Wallpaper interiors magazines- one; its outside and two the shower is a large stone bath, of about 2 meters squared with one of the showers that have about six jets of water. Eve plays in it for about half an hour and then we all go to sleep til noon. Whilst we are sleeping the students all go swimming and a 3ft water monitor lizard tucks into a giant worm just outside our door watched by Glenys (Phils wife) and Carol (Mrs Pharmacist- shell have her work cut out for her, more later).

Later that day the students go on their first turtle conservation lecture and me and the kids stay by the pool. Fantastic. The resort was rebuilt only last year after being completely destroyed by the Tsunami on 26th December 2003. Eight of the staff that worked here were killed. It only opened again in May and they are finding it difficult to get any travel agent interested in booking this close to beach as many insurance companies wont insure them.

Sri Lanka is having a really hard time at the moment. The country relies on tourism. The countrys employment is only 40% of the population and as if the Tsunami werent bad enough, the Tamil Tigers have broken the ceasefire agreement and are going for it. We cant go anywhere near the North or the East, as the Foreign Office have advised against it. The more I hear about the Tigers the less sympathy I have. It seems that the majority of Tamil people are unconcerned with issues of independence and do not support the Tigers who, by most accounts, are a bloodthirsty bunch who are pretty ruthless and think nothing of sending a eight year old boy into a target area as a suicide bomber. The main Tamil activists apparently wear cyanide-filled phials round their neck to avoid capture alive. Time and time again during this trip Sinhalese Sri Lankans will tell me how sorry they feel for the Tamil people whose lives are being ruined by a small group of individuals.

But back to day one. The kids and I take a walk along the beach but theres no chance of swimming as the waves are 15ft high. The Tsunami wave was 80/85ft high. You cant help but think of this as you walk along this otherwise postcard picture beach. Some men offer to show us turtles later but John and Phil return with warnings about the so called conservation guys next to our hotel who really only have tourist in mind, not the turtles. Its goodfun watching hundreds of little transparent crabs scuttling about.

We are not alone for long. All the Sri Lankans want to touch the kids hair and bring their kids over to see us. A lot of these people havent seen foreigners in a while and they are so friendly. Women selling batik keep on cooing over Eve, but the whole time security guards from the resort keep an eye on what is happening.

At night John, Phil and the students go on turtle watch and see some hatched babies making their way into the sea. Only 1% of baby turtles will reach adulthood. Just as well Im not there, would be too tempted to stick one in my pocket.

Day 2: Leave Kosgoda and commence the trip to Tangalle. The next day, were off as Kosgoda is a momentary smidge of luxury to galvanise us for a long bus journey and the beach cabanas in Tangalle on the Southernmost tip of Sri Lanka. One hour into the journey and we stop for a mangrove swamp safari. We fill 4 largish boats. Off we go and within three minutes I am eye to eye with a five footlong monitor lizard. Phil, these are vegetarian,right? I ask as its long blue forked tongue flickers out practically brushing my teeth for me. No. But its their tails you have to watch, they can break your ankles, he replies. Holy crap I reply. Its ok, your ankles are hidden. Ha Ha. Hes just going to ignore my face then. During the trip we will see about twenty of these beasts- biggest about 7 foot long. I kid Louis on that they only eat fish and small children.

We go to Cinnamon Island and try some cinnamon- it made from tree bark, you know, fact fans. One boat load sees a snake and we see hoardes of different bird and butterfly species. John is thrilled to see a orange clad Buddhist Nun driving a speedboat and nearly falls off the boat trying to get a photo of her. On the way back to shore after two hours of sailing, our boat pilot stops and picks metre-long stemmed lotus flowers and quick as a flash makes a lotus flower necklace for every female on the boat. Incredible. Ltus flowers are the symbol of Buddhism. Reason being that the Buddhist raison detre is the search for enlightment and lotus flowers grown from the murky depths of the mangrove swamp to reach the sunlight at the surface to blossom. The flowers are beautiful and throughout our trip will be presented with them as we check into the posher hotels and will buy them as offerings at the Buddhist shrines and temples we will visit. I have seen them white, pink and purple so far. And there are vast swamp areas just choc-full of them. Some of them the size of dinner plates.

On the way to Tangalle we stop off at the formerly Dutch port of Galle, where two teenage lads high dive off a cliff for £1 each for our amusement. Very impressive, but as our guide Sunil said, They are risking their lives in order to live. Feel a bit bad. We reach Tangalle at night: total days hours on bus =7.

Days 3-5 Tangalle, Paradise Beach cabanas. Bizarrely this area escaped devastation by Tsunami. It seems that some large rocks either side of beach meant that although all around whole communities were destroyed this small area was untouched. We are 50 metres from the beach which is like something our of that film where Tom Hanks gets marooned for four years and cant even knock up a basic shelter. John decides he could easily put a shed together having observed some old guys whipping together a mat from palm leaves. But we all know it would look like Homer Simpsons spice rack.

Its bloody hot here and the cabanas are aircon free but very cute. Little huts with beds covered in mosquito nets- just as well; mossies in full force during the night but we are pleased to have a resident lizard which lives behind the bathroom mirror and routinely pops out to snaffle a cockroach or mosquito. We cheer him on every time he does it. At night we also share our cabanas with a few firefly that look like green LED lights on our wooden ceiling. Eve has little trainers with little red lights that flash every time she takes a step and we joke that the fireflies might start trying to mate with them.

At night I go on my first turtle watch whilst John stays with kids, Glenys and Carol on the balcony with our new friend, Belle, a foxlike dog that has adopted us. Eve named her after Belle of Beauty and the Beast. To be honest shes more Beast than Beauty. But you cant call a dog Beast. She becomes quite protective of her new status as the family Martin dog and chases any other dogs that come around wanting a piece of the action. She sleep on our porch every night. Who says dogs are stupid?

Anyway, the turtle watch is incredible. We wait for our pregnant lady turtle to dig her hole in the sand undisturbed. This takes over an hour. Once she is settled into her hole we can approach which I feel a bit guilty about having had two kids I would not have been happy about having an audience present. But someone explains that its all ok as she goes into a trance to lay her eggs and will be unaware of our presence largely. Turtles also cant hear too well so it doesnt matter if we chat around her. She is very aware of light however, so no flash photography or torches allowed until the egg laying is over. Im not entirely convinced, Theres only one turtle facial expression from what I can see, but it does look a bit pissed off. But I video the whole thing anyway in the name of science from the eggs popping out (ping pong sized) to the giant turtle covering her eggs over with sand with flippers the size of oars, so I cant feel that guilty. She is about five foot in length and is a green turtle. Gruesomely, the name green turtle comes not from her appearance but from the colour the soup made from their flesh is. Of course, turtle soup is illegal now but you know that for the right price it could get made.

Our second green turtle has covered up her eggs and we are lucky to see her make her way from the beach back into the sea. She is larger and makes tyre tack type markings along the sand as she goes back into the sea. The night vision on the video camera give me the best view. I feel like David Attenborough! Predictably some students do some Attenborough type commentary fro me as I film. Nice.

Day 4: Beach Cabanas. Another day at the beach for the breakaway faction of the Martin Family plus one new honorary member, Kirsty,who is not feeling well and a little homesick. Eve loves Kirsty which is great as Gill and Louis need a break from her to go to beach properly without the constant litany of, I want to go home (she means the cabana), Im too beachy (I have sand up my bum) and the legendary, I did eat beach (there appears to be some sand in my mouth. A guy who twenty syllable name I have forgotten approaches and chats. He claims to be the beach patrol guy. He shows me his commendation letters from ITN journalists who he assisted during the coverage of the Tsunami which are laminated and clearly his prized possessions. We chat for a while and he explains the whole Tamil Tiger situation to me. He speaks to me several times throughout the days we are here and never seems to want anything which I find odd as people expect a tip for everything and you quickly get used to handing our small notes of cash. When we leave he asks me if I will write him a letter or commendation and gives me his address. I will. Funny to think that he will be showing my laminated letter to other tourists sitting on that beach too in a months time.

Here comes sickness! Mrs Pharmacist, the lovely Carol, goes into overdrive as the various ailments begin. At the Cabana restaurant there is only one meal option and that is curry, often fish curry and the kids go down with bot trouble like dominoes. One girl Hannah develops a raging heat rash, another complains of throat pains. Most cases genuine but cynically I feel that there a couple of girls at it for reasons of I cant be arsed going on another turtle related lecture tour and would prefer to be at the beach but Carol takes every complaint seriously and breaks out the placebos and immodium in equal measure. I think a bit of attention is all that is needed as some are maybe just a little homesick. The kids are 15/16/17 and you cant blame them for that. Well, I cant certainly as the 13 year old girl who phoned her Mum on day 2 of the girl guide camp 30 miles away in Turriff crying and demanding to be taken home.

Day 5: The Road to Yala National Park. Yay! Were on the Fing bus again. During the past two years of fund raising the students have raised aid money for giving to Sri lankan Orphanages. Although deserving it seems that these are relatively well supported by the government. So we come across a school for the blind and discover that less than 50p a day per child is giving for educating and caring for disabled children by the government. What was supposed to be half-hour visit turns into half a day. Phil tires to hand over $300 to the school but the English teacher takes him aside and asks him not to. She explains that if he makes a money donation the principal (himself a blind man) will pocket the lot and the kids will see nothing. By telling us this she is risking her job. The principal already knows of our presence (just like Darth Vader) and has passed the message on, Get some cash out of them. So we decide to piss him off. We leave John and the kids playing and chatting with the students in the school, giving them toys and sweets and the rest of us go shopping with the English teacher to buy clothes and toiletries for the kids. I go to the supermarket and clean them out of toothbrushes and toothpaste and by way of balance, sweets. Meanwhile John is speaking to the male teachers and finding out t hat they make pennies a day. He feels guilty and gives them all the cash he has on him.

As a final gesture of sticking it to the man Phil buys all the ladies who work in the school who get next to nothing, a sari each. We all assemble in the school courtyard after 4 hours with all the kids and staff, but no principal, for a group photo. The English teacher is in tears as we leave and many of our students are also. On the bus we discuss how we can fundraise get Braille books and supplies to the school without money being siphoned off by the bastard Principal when we get home.

So our plans change dramatically and we drop some of our itinerary. But we do eventually make it to the massive Buddhist temple at . At 8pm which is incredible. On the way you can buy a plate of fruit called a Puja to offer to Buddha. One of lads, Richard is challenged by a red arsed male baboon for his puja. He tries to keep holdofitbutis on a hiding to nothing. The baboon is determined and a little scary so he flings the puja at him to avoid being attacked. John, his protective teacher, falls about laughing for about half an hour. In the grounds of the temple it is like a carnival, all fairy lights and gold. We are offered the chance to meet our first elephant, a baby at only 7 years old. In order to cure us of nightmares you must pass under the elephant twice then head but its side. Okay. It is a male elephant. How do I know this. Simple, as I pass under the elephant its four foot penis hits me on the head. I think Im going to have nightmares.Now wash your hands.

Yala National Park: Yala Village Hotel.  Arrive at 10pm.  Hours on Fing bus =8+ .  The elephant theme continues.  I keep on dreaming about elephants. Mainly about finding baby ones and getting to keep them, or giving lost ones back to their mothers. I reckon the dreams are based on three things (the first two pathetic) Disneys Dumbo, Disneys Jungle Book and the overall general group obsession with seeing a wild elephant.

In four days we havent actually seen any wild ones but in a way they are everywhere. Street sellers are peddling wooden versions of them everywhere, temples have got paintings and statues of them everywhere and everyone warns you to watch out for elephants that may walk past your door at night. No such luck, although whilst looking out the window with no contact lenses in our first night in Yala I had 5 seconds of excitement at seeing baby elephants, only for John to point out that they were actually cows.

As far as the nightly elephant dreams go, I am in good/bizarre company. Two other mums have had significant elephant dreams: Buddahs ma dreamt of an elephant before giving birth to him as did the mother of John Merrick, the elephant man. I dont know what mine signify- probably just a result of drinking Sri Lankan lager when I havent drunk enough water.

But Im not being entirely honest. We did see an elephant, up pretty damn close in the temple at Kandalama (google the name to see pics) which is one of the holiest places in the whole world according to the Hindus and Buddhists (even the Muslims agree-and they dont agree about much). What an amazing place. It is huge and absolutely beautiful and at night lit up and nice and cool, so Im glad we didnt actually see it at our original scheduled time of 12.30. We made it at 9. But Im repeating myself.

Getting back to the admittedly tenuous Buddhas mum connection, far from having a divine son who has found enlightenment, my son Louis has found that he can puke high velocity from a safari jeep. Right now some jackals are probably fighting over his breakfast in Yala National Park.

Day 6: Yala safari 5.30am. Who spotted the only elephant? Was it the four so called expert tracker guide blokes. Was it hell, it was me. So there. The guides were good at lingering on and pointing out the indigenous species of Scotland, however,likedeer and rabbits. They thoughtfully spent no time at all hanging about the tree full of monkeys, cos wild monkeys are BORING arent they? Common as cat shit to us, monkeys. Move on.

Student Luke was so excited by the elephant he practically run up to it, leapt on its back and rode off into the jungle never to be seen again. Elephants KILL people in SRI Lanka. Phil shouted at him to come back with the panic in his voice undisguised. Question: Whats the Scariest latin phrase in the world? Answer: In loco parentis.

No leopards though. Phil not happy with standard of safari guides. "I'm not happy paying for shite", he says. He organizes second safari for the next day with a guide called Dillon that took the kids on a nature walk that fternoon. He wants guarantee of leopards.  Dillon gives him 99% guarantee. He radios his mates to stick on the leopard suits for a few quid.

Yala National Park is massive and pretty much takes up the whole South-west corner of Sri Lanka, but you can only go ito one of 6 zones.  The remaining five are left to the animals, and if I were an animal (and some would say I am) I would hang out in the people free zones. Laughing my ass off.

Later that day Mrs Pharmacist steps in once again. Why wont sixteen year old girls wear suncream? We are 30 miles from the equator, in the hot, dry junglezone of Sri Lanka and many of us are a smidge ginger- why bother with factor 30? Because if you dont you end up with pus-filled blisters the size of apples all over your shoulders. Next day Carol has bandaged the shoulders of four girls having lanced their blisters. One has sunstroke. Pretty much all the students are burnt. All claim they had sun cream on , but my baby skinned Eve, who is fair as you like, had factor 30 on all day at pool and is untouched. So chinny-reckon to that one.

Elephant news! Whilst at Yala Village a bull tusker elephant breaks into the kitchens in the middle of the night and it takes 3 hours to get him out. Wish wed seen that one. Louis thinks idea of an elephant in a kitchen is hilarious. Apparently it been spotted trying to get in for a few days,untilit figured out, Hang on, Im an elephant, I can just break the door down. Which it duly did. It apparently cooked itself a full English breakfast and shouted at the help Gordon Ramsay style.

Day: What day is It? Lost count. Think it’s 8. Farewell to lovely Yala Village. Why cant we stay longer? We dont care if we dont see a leopard, just let us have nice food, clean rooms and dry sheets and the slim possibility of an elephant walking past our door or into the pool for a drink. The Village is lovely and the rooms are great. Had to stop student Kendall from nicking animal print bedspread. Ill just take it for my mum she said innocently. Why dont you ask if you can buy one from shop I Say. Kendall looks rumbled.

So we leave Yala and sit on the f*ing coach for 3 hours til next stop off ;point which is the carvings in the rocks of Buddha and the gang at place I’ve forgotten name of- will check for later. These were under water in a natural reservoir until 70 years ago when a natural dam burst and all the water ran out. Google the name oce I’ve uploaded it to see pics: amazing. Millions of people spend millions of pounds queing up to see shit like the crown jewels and Madam Tussauds and this exists??? I dont get it, it is incredible and no-one knows about it. Still it was great to be there ourselves with just a toothless guy as a guide. I thought he was blindly chatting away to us in Sinhalese until I saw John speak back to him. His English was full of confidence and fast but impenetrable. I videoed relic to hell and back as Phil has given me sole responsibility for the video. Its called singing for your supper. I get free trip, I owe a video. Seems fair enough I suppose and am actually enjoying being the cameraman for once. But with no tripod. My students would go wild. What do I shout at them every five minutes? Use a tripod!!!. Well, Phil doesnt have one so the rocks and fences and surfaces of Sri Lanka are my tripod and if it turns out wobble vision, I am sorry.

Anyway, back to the Buddha carvings. Incredible and John did a great piece to camera explaining what they were and their significance. He was great- he should be on telly. Its the resemblance to Elton that will hold him back, though. It was so hot that he had sweat pouring into his eyes and Eve on his shoulders (eith no pants on, as she has taken them off for a laugh) as she doesnt believe on setting foot on foreign soil. Its a religious thing.

One of the lads, BJ, went to kick a stone or something and his trainer flew of down into a no-doubt snake infested gully. He had to pay some young lad willing to pay his poor little life to earn some rupees fetching it back. He gave him 1,000 rupees which is fiver to us but two days wages to a Sri Lankan, so worth the venom, I suppose.

Sri Lanka Factoid no: 1,005 : Sri Lankans eat with their right hand shovel food by hand into mouth and wipe their arse with their left. This is important to remember which doing Strip the Willow with a gang of Sri Lankans, if you ever happen to be in that situation. Anyway, I mention it because it is amusing and because this arrangement means that you never shake hands with left hand and never pass anything with your left hand. John has found this hard being left handed and in fact didnt know about it til I told him. Hes probably been causing offence all over the island but I do hasten to add, he hasnt been wiping his bum with the aforementioned hand. Which is disappointing in a way as karmically he could give some of the dysentery he has received from the Sri Lankan hospitality back the people by way of thanks.

So anyway, after the shrine were back on the fing bus and up the mountains to the next place. Just a breeze at 5 hours later. Total hours on fing bus today = 8. We arrive at the River Garden Eco village of death at dark and the students are not happy. Especially since they are going to be living in tents for the next three days. They are even unhappier still when informed that the next days visit to the tea factory is 6 hours away (so thats 12 hours round trip stats fans). Dr Neville tells them this and I wait for him to say, So given that its too much travel we have arranged an alternative event here in the forest. But no such luck. Instead he says, So well be leaving at 7.30am. My jaw drops. I turn into BA Baracas ; I aint going on no bus. I lean over to John and pretty much whisper that to him but with a sweary or two. I cant do it to Louis for one thing who is green with travel sickness as it is. John agrees and we form a splinter group. Before long our faction has tripled in size. We arrange to stay at Eco Lodge and plan alternative itinerary.

So day 9: Get up and meet the splinter group. Plans are: we gad about for an hour two, look around, take in the forest and then go for swim in natural rock swimming pool also known as a river. A large group of Sri lankan males have booked a party lunch type thing at the river-, sorry pool-side, but we are informed that they will leave within the hour. No danger, those lads get one look at the miscellanous shapes and sizes of our girls and like the look of the wobbly white flesh on offer. They are not going anywhere. Muslces are flexed, towel flicking, japes and general tomfoolery ensues. We go down stream and I say to girls maybe not to take t-shirts off. No need to excite them further. Sri Lankans are not used to seeing semi naked girls- it saris all the way. So lets just not go there. Its bad enough when they see white people. But at least they dont hiss like Italians. In fact they just stare and smile, really as the Buddhists arent at all big on anything lewd. In fact the showing of affection in public is NOT on. Even if a married couple were to give each other a wee chaste kiss, they would be shocked. Canoodling in public is apparently just as bad as full intercourse in the middle of the street according to our guide Sunil, whose drivers have already complained about the smooching of the groups Romeo and Juliet, Grant and Emma. They are not even that bad, just the odd kiss and hand holding, arms round each other kind of thing. But the bus drivers are NOT happy and we have to tell them that their behaviour is an absolute no-no.

So we basically sit on a rock and watch our lads mess about in the water which Louis really enjoys. The male students seem to be taking to him, especially since bizarrely they are all into collecting Pokemon cards. Can I point out that these lads are 16/17. I dont get it but am pleased Louis has some common ground with someone.

Anyway, we then hire a minibus and set off into nearby town. Without our guide Sunil and the drivers we, gasp get to go out unchaperoned. The three of them are VERY nervous about any of us leaving the bus unchaperoned. I have two theories about this: the first is that is they are very protective of us and thats all very nice and I applaud them for this but the second I think is also true and that is Sunil doesnt want us to go and spend money anywhere other than the places they have arranged as he wont get commission. Basically I think we are being ripped off slightly by Sunil but thats just the way it works here. A lot of the time he will tell us things like The entrance to the rainforest national park is $17 dollars per person. That is an absolute fortune in Sri Lanka- 3 days wages. And were talking times 24 for all of us. But if John or Glenys say, hang on we cant pay that, well need to do something else, hell phone someone and look like hes getting us a deal and come back and say, We can get in for 500 rupees per person (about $2). Those figures are actual, no exaggeration. Everyone pretends they are pleased with the result of his deal making but we all know its him thats adding on the cash. But he comes across as a kind personand doeswatch out for us generally and we certainly do need him, but basically we are pretty much onto him cash wise. But we do have plans to escape him to do some commission free shopping.the tunnel is half dug.

So back to the day, we are on our own, twelve of us in a minibus not arranged by Sunil so its about a fiver to go 15KM and back. We enter the busy town which is absolutely teaming as its a Sunday and a market is on and folk are just hanging out. We cause a stir. I honestly think that many of these people havent seen white people, or at least the sight of them is extremely rare. People run into their houses to tell their families to come out and have a look at us, families come up to us in the shops to just stroke our kids hair and have a good look. Louis and Eve attract a lot of attention and mothers bring their kids over to say hello. Its quite nice really. Only in the real country areas or at the temple have we encountered begging. Here, people just want to say hello. Im just as interested in their kids as by in large they are absolutely beautiful, especially the girls. Anyway we set off to have a good look, try not to smell too much or notice the dirt and buy some Sri Lankan tat. We have a really good time; the kids need a bit of gadding about, seeing a bit of Sri Lankan life. We try fresh lychees from a stall. Dont be fooled by the minging ones you get in Chinese restaurants, these are great; quite like white grapes in flavour. We haggle for bits of crap and Eve talks John into buying a gaudy purple and green dayglo umbrella with green dogs on. It also has a whistle attached, for no apparent reason other than to annoy people. We walk around for about 90 minutes and dodge the speeding tuc-tucs, avoid the 5 simultaneous reversing buses and dont catch leprosy from the street filth (that we know of). Kids loved it; job well done. We arrive back at camp for a Barbie which is situated beside 3 long set tables under a canopy. It is really nice and we have a laugh. The others come back at 9.30 (thats 10 hours on a bus, folks) and tell us that the tea factory was closed. Oh dear.

Day 10: Leave on bus at 8am, spent two hours at gem palace, get back off bus at 11pm. Bloody great, Sri Lanka through a cracked windscreen once again. I told John not to invite me and the kids on any more school trips as we were just going to buy a season ticket for stage coach and travel non-stop through Scotland for two weeks next year. Feeling a bit low,which is a bloody cheek really as am getting pretty much the holiday of a lifetime here. But the Fing bus is too much. Ill getoverit. Just need to sleep.

Have jelly bot and up all night after open air Barbie (actually indoor barbies arent a thing are they?). Anyway after four days if eating vegetarian I had no option but to eat the Barbie fare or starve. Bot crisis ensued and I am now on a special pill that is nicknamed something like the Backpackers Saviour. I wont crap for weeks now. Bot has seized and can now enjoy the delights of 8 fing hours on a toiletless coach with comfort and joy. John told me that the chicken was about to be served up from Barbie in semi raw state until he clocked it and demanded it be cooked to within an inch of its life. John has become the salmonella monitor, he routinely steps in, checks the kids food and sends it back, waving bits of half cooked chicken at wee SriLankan guys shouting, My students cant eat this!. Good for him, I say.

The gem palace was good but gems do something to a woman, they make you go a bit mental and its a very dangerous state. We were all like a bunch of braying magpies round that table. The woman brings out a selection of the type of gems you want to see and every time a new batch is brought out we chorus OooooooooooH!!!!!!. Its funny. John buys me massive aquamarine for anniversary as am tired of waiting for mum to break and give me the much coveted brazilain aquamarine ring she never wears. (hint hint, mum)

Next: The road out of eco hotel hell and onto 5 star luxury at thye Kandalama Hotel. More later. Well done if you’ve read this far, I salute you!

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My best friend’s from there<3

We’d booked to go to Sri Lanka for a few weeks, but the Tsunami hit a few days before we left, so it all got cancelled. Now I’d love to go back and spend some time there, but now I haven’t got the time. Anyone know anywhere amazing over there?